Newbie with need of help

[lonesomepenguin]

Alright, I've finally gotten around to this after putting it off for quite along time. I can't say this is the outlet in which I had hoped I would get my first answers, but if this is the problem then I just have to hear it from somebody other then myself I guess...if that makes any sense. Plus I spent the last two hours on the internet attempting to find a way to get just one question answered without having to pay a certain amount of money for a response. Not to mention I'm a little embarrased as that I'm quite sure the majority of the people helping me answer this question here have much more painfull stories then my own. Alright, enough with all of that. I'm in my young twenties. When I was around twelve or eleven, or even possibly 10(I'm not quite sure as to my exact age as to I don't often like to recall said events) I enganged in various serious sexual acts over the course of about a year and a half with an older babysitter(around the age of seventeen or eighteen as I believe). All I consented to, as I believe. My babysitter was male even though I've shown no attraction to other males either then or in the present. I was mostly just curious at the time being of such a young age. Knowing that the acts were consentiual I never really paid them much mind until recently when I had sort of an "epiphany", or so you could say, about my current and past mental problems. I've been an on and off drug abuser since the age of fifteen, I have panic and social anxiety disorder, heavy insomnia started at puberty, for a time I believed I was paranoid schizophrenic(byproduct of anxiety disorder i've been told), Heavy depression, very self deprecating, I don't have thoughts of suicide, but I have done such things as putting cigarettes out on my arm and slight cutting, I don't have any troubles meeting women, but I do tend to refrain from sex(not due to religous or moral reasons, unless it is a long term relationship with a heavy trust I cannot seem to reach orgasm), I've been told by almost every teacher/professor I've studied under that I am quite intellectual and could suceed quite far, but continually seem to sabatoge any sucess that I may achieve academically for some strange reasons. Which is strange as I have always enjoyed school quite heavily for as long as I can remember. For years now I've seen doctors on and off for these other problems, but all of them have just written me off as a anxiety/panic disorder with obsessive compulsive disorder. I've been prescribed everything from xanax to geodon, but I'm sick of the meds. Until recently when I had heard of a similiar story to my childhood "babysitter" fiasco being classified as definate childhood sexual abuse, and the repercussions it had on their stability, I had never even considered that part of my life being the possible petri dish for my current mental state. So here it is...is consenual sexual relations(not initiated by myself)of a eleven/twelve year-old with a person around the age of sixteen to seventeen still considered sexual abuse, and can it lead to all these life problems that I've discussed. I am definately ashamed of the events that took place(mostly due to the fact that I know I did everything consentually). So much to the point that I've only confided in one other person about it in my entire life, and that I don't know what I might do to this person(babysitter) if I every saw them again sometime later in life. I haven't discussed this possible "sexual abuse" thing with any doctor or counsular yet as I am only scheduled to see them once every couple months or so, and when I do see them we don't talk much. It's mostly an "in and out" sort of thing ending with a dosage adjustment and that's about it. Sorry for the long entry, but I'd appreciate any help on this issue.

 

[phoster]

yes, what happened to you was abuse. there was a definate situation where someone in authority over you took advantage of you. i walked around most of my life thinking my abuse was consentual. when you are young, you dont really have a good understanding of relationships and sex. for someone with much greater knowledge to take advantage of your lacking experience is abuse.

it can effect many aspects of your life, and the symptoms you describe are common. the meds tend to work best on people with chemical imbalances, bi-polar for example. they are less effective when the balance is okay, and they simply have issues. you should talk to your doctor and counselor about this. that will at least allow them to take a look into things.

welcome, and thanks for sharing. i know it isnt easy at first, but it is a good step toward healing.

 

[irishguy]

Hi,

I would agree that yes it was CSA, being at such a young age i would not think that you woud have proper understanding of what a sexual relationship is, and being the age you state you were curiosity in that area would be normal and rising and could easily be manipulated by someone with more experiance and knowlage i.e the babysitter, i would say that regardless of if it was consentual by yourself or not it would still drasticly affect you later on in life.

Welcome to our family, i hope this helps you somehow.

IG.

 

[roadrunner]

penguin,

What happened to you was most definitely sexual abuse, and yes, all the problems you mention can be linked directly to the things you were talked into when you were a boy.

The basic reason why it's abuse is that a 12-year-old boy is not the emotional or sexual peer of a 16 or 17-year-old. The older boy is in the latter stages of puberty while the younger one is just starting, for example. The older boy has at least some understanding of and experience with what sex involves, while the younger one is probably still mostly clueless. The older boy also enjoys an enormous advantage in his ability to manipulate younger boys to follow his lead or do what he wants.

What this means is that you and the other boy were in no way equals. He enjoyed a power and influence over you that meant there was never going to be parity in your relationship.

Consent is a word you use over and over again, and clearly you blame yourself for what happened - you think you "wanted it" or agreed to have sex with him. But at the age of 12 you could not have understood what you were agreeing to, my friend. Think back to WHY you agreed and you will see what I mean. You were almost certainly impressed that this older kid wanted to be with you; you probably thought it was so cool he liked you. And let's face it, sex feels good. You were probably impressed with what he was introducing you to.

Reading posts here will show you over and over again how innocent the victim is. I myself, for example, didn't even know this was sex. Another guy here talks about how he thought this was care - he thought it showed how much his big brother loved him. Another thought all Dads did this with their sons until he saw a sex abuse video in school.

The bottom line, bro, is that a child cannot consent to something he doesn't understand.

You will probably be asking yourself right now, "If that's the way it is, why did it affect me so badly as an older teenager and why do I feel so messed up about it now?" There I think a big factor is that we forget that as we get older we understand things more clearly. Armed with the wisdom of adulthood we look back and ask ourselves questions like, Why didn't I say no, Why didn't I make him stop, Why did I go to him, Why did I keep letting it happen, and so on.

But when we do this we are assuming that back then, as young boys, we should have understood things the way we do now as adults. That's precisely the problem: we DIDN'T understand back then, not at all! Isn't it pretty unfair to blame ourselves for lacking adult judgment at the age of 10 (me) or 12 (you)?

I started here by saying there are many issues weaving back and forth in your post, and that's where I will end for now. But please do see this as your starting point: You did not "consent" to the abuse in any meaningful sense of that word, and NONE of what happened was your fault.

Much love,
Larry