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Hi im new to this forum, and only decided to look into this after my girlfriend had discovered i was looking at dating sites. Not just just regular dating sites but the sex dating site like adult friend finder. I was abused by an older woman when i was 5. I cant say how long it lasted or how often it happened, or really even the extent of what happened, but I know it happened because I can remember bits and peices. Now Ive never even told anyone else about what happeend to me before her yesterday. I dont know if im going to these sites to actually look for someone, but they always seem to be older women im looking for. Yes women my age are attractive and I can be sexually attracted to them, its the older women who really get me going. Yes I do love the woman im with and I dont want to be with anyone else (yes she is older then me) but she told me that she feels that she doesnt make me happy, which in fact she does. I am having a difficult time with this because I dont know what to do or how to handle it.

I was reading on another post about the "voluntary" thing and in a way mine was "voluntary" given the fact that I dont ever remember being forced to participate. Fortuneately I do not have alot of the other symptoms that develop from this experience, like anger. I used to hate women but over came that with time, I also had trust issues but those as well lessened over time. I want to know if anyone else has a similar experience, and how they are or did correct it.

Richard
 
Richard,
You're in the right place. There are tons of guys here to help answer your quetions WAY better than I can, but like many of us, you have told yourself, yeah, it happened, but I'm OK with it. From my experience, the anger, that i thought I had dealt with - I hadn't. The trust that I thought I had dealt with - I hadn't. I acted out for years looking to "fix" the empty feelings inside. They never worked cause the sex sites are just one of the symptoms. Stay here and read and listen and ask questions. these guys saved my life in the last month. Even though it's going to be hard, I've put myself in the right direction and you probably can too. All the support in the world is right here.
Welcome
Paul
 
Richard,

Welcome to Male Survivor, I'm glad you found us. This is a good place to talk things over, and a lot of what you refer to is stuff many of us have also experienced in one way or another.

On "voluntary" abuse, have another look at the thread on this subject for ideas on why it is that a child cannot volunteer himself for abuse. It's important not to accept any of the blame and responsibility that really belongs to the abusers.

Take your time here and find your way around. And if you have any questions or comments, let's have them. That's what we are here for.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

Thank you for the welcome.

I guess I should have worded it different, or went into more detail on the "voluntary" abuse. I know that none of it was my fault, I was simply stating that my abuse was more along the lines of "voluntary" since there wasnt any physical or mental force being applied.

I do understand that none of it was my fault, and while I probably should have told someone what was going on, but at no point do I remember feeling that it was "not right".

I guess what im looking for is others who have been through, but have not felt such a huge impact as to lead them extreme forms of social deviation.

Ive never been a substance abuser, ive never been physically abusive, ive never had cases of extreme rage, ive never been suicidal, ive never been depressed. It's not that it doesnt affect me, it just doesnt lead me to those situations. It affects me more on the sexual level, its like im never satisfied even when I am. Im searching for something I dont want, but I do. I just dont want this to ruin the relationship I have with my girlfriend.

Richard
 
Richard,

That confusing feeling of "searching for something I dont want, but I do" happens frequently to survivors and it comes up here, of course.

One thing that happens to an abused boy is that his nascent sense of sexual boundaries is destroyed; he isn't laying down any solid foundations for the future. This often results in adulthood problems like you suggest.

As you become more comfortable with the site and feel you can talk more easily, try to raise these issues and see what others say. It really does help.

Much love,
Larry
 
Rich,

if you feel safer with older women, that is what was learned in the past.
It has probably meant that you cannot form lasting or meaningful relationships with women your own age.

I am glad you got over the hate and anger thing that we all can go through.
I guess survivors just dont know how much we are liked in society.

It comes from broken boundaries and trust issues that become chronic over time.
It is not your fault that you have these feelings, they need to be unlearned.

They are like old tapes that need to be erased by new thinking.
Get rid of the old bring in the new.

Welcome to MS,

ste
 
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