New, with questions, if anyone would mind?

New, with questions, if anyone would mind?
I

Iwanttohelphim

Registrant
Hi, I am new here and I have some some questions.

My fiancee was physically abused and emotioanlly and verbally abused in his home bu his father and then went to live with an uncle afterwards who did the same. At a certain point he was sexually abused by an older cousin.
He has emotional problems as a result.

I am a survivor myself. I have been through the process and I am emotionally healthy at this point -by all accounts ;) . But my situation is different. I have and have had more support in my life to manage and to recover. I am also female, so I do not have the same issues as men do, some yes, but men face certain challenges in recovery that women do not ("victim" status vs. male "image" for eg), and I have little idea where to begin to know about those. I have no idea how to talk to him. I know what I would say to a girl - but

He also became abusive. he has been verbally and emotionally abusive in all his relationships prior to me and he escalted to phsical intimidation and some rough detatched sex a couple of times. He does not see his own behavior at all. He knows he is depressed and has a "dark sad soul" (his words)but he does not know what to do.

When the abuse started with me, I recognized it and tried to address it and his answer was to leave-denying and saying that I was crazy and he is a "good person" and he hates abuse... I know what that is all about..projection, fear.. But not before asking me for help- he's of "two minds" and I don't know what to do- pushing him will not help- I don't even know what kind of help I could recommend to him (I can not do it I know) and he refuses therapy- he has limited access because he is currently in a war zone- slow internet - taht's what he has--and a phone.

This is not "about me"- I just have to say that my heart is ripped out knowing he is in so much pain and how much he is suffering and there is nothing I can do. I think about him alone at night feeling frustrated and hurt and afraid and angry and betrayed and I feel like my head will explode...how must HE feel??? :( :( :(

He is a wonderful man and he is so messed up. I want him to come home so I can support him. Not addressing this is really ruining his life and I don't know....I know it is maybe safer to start with addressing things like verbal abuse or emotional abuse, is there a place for men to do that? I am on a site that is wonderful, but it is heavy estrogen-

Thank you for listening
 
Hi IWTHH,

I'm with you. My heart really breaks for all of the people who are just not there yet... can't see their way out of the darkness. But all I can do is keep MY light on for them-- they have to come to where it is.

What would you say to a sister or a best friend in your situation?

SAR
 
A specific question would be, can he come here and get "his feet wet" by initially talking about the EA/VA and hitting until he is ready to discuss the sexual abuse?

Are those subjects that are discussed here as part of the general make up of abusive experiences?
 
This is a site specifically dedicated to overcoming male sexual abuse, but many sexual abuse survivors find it helpful to talk about the way that other forms of abuse have affected their lives. These discussions are generally not considered out of bounds for the board.

My advice would be, give him the link to the main site, and to some of the articles here, as well as the discussion board... and then step back from it. Let him figure out what he needs/wants to do here.

He may just want to lurk here for a while-- most of the people here read for several months before posting anything. I'm sure he'll figure out a way to tell his story on this site when the time is right for him. If he has concerns about what is appropriate to share, it would be best for him to discuss it with one of the mods/administrators personally.

SAR
 
Iwanttohelphim,

I wish there was an easy way to get a survivor to seek help before he is on the brink of meltdown. That is the point at which so many, including myself, seek the support and help they need.

All you can really do is let him know about this site, and then perhaps from time to time ask whether he came here and what he thinks. From you he may need to hear AND BELIEVE that you don't blame him or judge him for being an abuse survivor, that you will believe him if he wants to share details, that he is still a lovable and worthwhile person and that he has nothing to be ashamed about.

But at the same time be sure to take care of yourself. Don't let the fact that he is a survivor give him a trump card he can throw down in every aspect of the relationship - you have been hurt yourself and in any case you have your own needs and priorities.

I hope you will continue to post here and join us. The problem you are describing is a tough one, but it CAN be resolved if both partners are honest with each other and are prepared to do the work.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thank you,

This advice was very much in line with what I was thinking and I am relieved to hear (as I am sure he will be) that although the focus here is sexual abuse, it is within the bounds to talk about the non-physical forms of abuse that underlie the physical and sexual forms of abuse.

Thank you for taking the time to answer. It really means a lot.

And thank you, I am taking care of myself quite well. Part of that is having to keep a "no contact rule" because of his abuse of me. But I love him more than he believes (that's the real problem isn't it? I feel like the "horse whisperer") and continue to try and find ways to help him find ways to alleviate his pain.

IWTHH
 
Might I suggest that you tell him my situation? I first disclosed to a girlfriend, (yes I had one, almost 20 years ago :) ). She, coincidently, suggested that I see a T, (a Therapist). I dismissed her suggestion out of hand entirely. I simply didn't think that I COULD be helped. When I say this, and if you or the others don't understand, it's because I still don't feel comfortable enough to talk openly about the many of the effects of CSA that have manifested themselves in my teen and adult life.

20 years have passed by and I have nothing to show for myself other than having survived and existed. No career, no family, no intimacy, unaddressed mental issues, etc.

I suggest that you tell him that either choice that he makes will have a cost or price, and that one is surely more expensive than the other. Guess which one that is?
 
Thank you. I will.

He is deciding to live a life free of relationships now. I reasilze that is his choice- I aslo know he will continue to live a life of pain as well.

The hardest thing about loving someone is sitting back and letting them destroy themselves, and just hoping that they will stop before they hit so low and maybe lose every one and eveything.

I am never going to give up on him though- in my prayers and in looking for ways that he might respond- the more ideas the better- :-D
 
Iwanttohelphim,

When you care about someone very much it is tempting to make that person's troubles a kind of personal project. But the really tragic part of this is that in many cases, such as in survivors of child abuse, you can't help someone who refuses help. The effort becomes more and more frustrating and harmful to the would-be rescuer, who often neglects her own priorities in efforts to accomplish the impossible.

It's back to the old saying: You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Your fiancee will have to recognize that he needs help, and WANT that help, before he can benefit from anyone's efforts to make him see.

Much love,
Larry
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top