New with questions for survivors and mates...may trigger
Hello all, I have come across this forum many times in my searches and just recently decided that maybe I should join and seek some active support. I am here because I believe that my fianc is a victim of mother son incest as well as physical and emotional abuse by both father and mother. I am here because I have not been successful in getting him to talk with me about his pain and his past and it is really impacting our relationship. I am here because as a victim of sexual abuse myself I believe that we are triggering each other albeit in different ways. We have recently begun counseling, but I know it is going to take many session to get us to the heart of our trouble so I am here to try and tell my story in hopes that I can connect with others who can relate and to help clear my own understanding of our dynamic.
As a victim of multiple incidences of sexual abuse by a number of different men through my childhood, I can relate to comments I have read in this forum about feeling as though there is a sign painted on your person that says Hey, over herevictimize me. I know that the truth is that victimizers are keen at knowing a potential victim when they see one, and as the child of a single alcoholic mother who worked nights and slept through out the day, I very likely didnt need any other signs, even though I havent begun to scratch the surface of how my innocence and neediness played into it. What I do know is that even today, at age 39 years and I have raised a daughter of my own, battled my alcoholic potential, I have a neediness that never seems to be filled. I was pretty, the attention men gave me was like a temporary fill, it was like power and the promise of love all rolled up in one and injected right into that hole in my soul warming and numbing me at the same time and I began to seek it out like a junkie.
What saved me from becoming a prostitute? I dont know, I guess maybe it was getting pregnant by the right man, one whos moral were such that he stayed with me. We didnt have a good marriage, he was controlling and I was convinced that he was too good for me. I was not excited by him, so we did not have a healthy sexual relationship, you could even say that there were more then a few times that I found myself repulsed by him. We raised our child to age 15 and then I left. I relapsed in my sobriety, lost control of my child, sought out a swinger lifestyle and in the midst of all that craziness I met my fianc of today. I will refer to him as G.
G was a different man, so different then the men I was used to and when he looked at me it was like he saw right through me, when he spoke to me it was like he was speaking to the pain inside me, I was in awe of his ability to read me so well, to know my thoughts and finish my sentences with them. I know now that it wasnt magic, it was recognition. He knew those things in me because they existed in him, we spoke with each other child to child and pained adult to pained adult and he helped me heal myself from the life I was living by simply making me want better for myself. But, as time went on I began to notice other things about G, things that I have no idea how to deal with on my own.
About 3 months into our relationship I started to notice that G was not always predictable in his behaviors, some days he would be goofy and funny and very attentive and other days he was aloof, detached, even a little bit arrogant and selfish, other times he would be a nervous, worried mess getting caught up in depressed cyclic thinking, while still other times he was like a little boy seeking coddling, mothering, someone to take care of him and baby him, buy him things and stroke his hair. It shouldnt come as a surprise to note that in looking back on those varied dispositions that it was that detached, elusive one that started causing me to scrutinize him, the last thing a needy person like me wants in a relationship is someone who isnt feeding their neediness, so I confronted him.
One night while we were wistfully rehashing our thoughts about the world, the conversation came around to such a place where I found myself saying to G sometimes it feels like you have multiple personality disorder and went on to explain to him why I felt that way and what I had witnessed from him. He was silent for a long time, and then he started to cry and I thought I had done something really insensitive and callus so I went over to him and held him and told him how sorry I was. After awhile he admitted that he had indeed been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), which is what multiple personality disorder is called today, and that he had been in counseling most of his adult life working on managing it. I had only the vaguest idea about DID and what I did know I was skeptical about, I certainly did not expect him to confirm that diagnosis because I was merely using it as an example to accentuate the fact that I saw him having extreme mood swings. It was that night that he first revealed that his father had preyed on his older sister and that his childhood had been very abusive.
Doing some research, I later learned that DID most often is a result of child sexual abuse or some extreme childhood trauma and that it is not really any more sensational then any other personality or dissociative disorder such as narcissism or post traumatic stress disorder. If I was going to love G and believe his story then I would have to try to rid myself of my skeptic attitude and try to understand what it meant for him. Whether the psychiatrist are ever able to prove or disprove DID is not really my concern, I just dont have that much faith in all their applied logic anyway, I do know that I live with a man who is several different men and sometimes a little boy and I love him.
Love him or not, believe him or not, his different personalities have been challenging. I have the very devout religious man, the young adult who enjoys surfing the net and porn, the people pleasing and needy little boy, the teen who cant stop playing x-box once he starts without a timer next to him, the sage who is so wise and kind, the playful young man who is passionate and deliberate and so funny, the angry man who is afraid the whole world is against him and really cant trust anyone, and the broken man who has no faith in his own self worth. And am I not saying that these personalities dont exist in all of us, its just that they are usually enmeshed with each other in the average person and when he is one you cant really reach the others and it makes things confusing sometimes.
G was previously married, had been a virgin till he met his ex-wife. She was a woman who had her own brokenness and not unlike my ex, needed to be in control. He often says he felt as though she had lived over the top of him and he never wants to experience that in a relationship again, there have been times when that has worried him where I am concerned. My neediness causes difficulty for him sometimes, he has an aversion to anything that may make him feel trapped, I try to see this but the type of love I want for myself is one that goes beyond functional, I dont want to be alone in my relationships anymore, so when I feel him slipping from me I sometimes panic. I am almost 40 and I feel my age creeping up on me, how much more time do I have to be pretty and desirable? Who will want me in another couple years if I stay and try to make this work? I love him, I really do but ever since we moved in together he has become less and less interested in me, like in spending time with me and in making love to me. He says it isnt true, and I do know that my need for attention and my need to feel desired and my discontent with aging is part of the issue, but I am starting to fear that he will not be able to carry this relationship, that he will start seeking a way out. He may start covertly like he did with his ex, surfing chat rooms, dating sites and porn for his sexual relief, like he tried to do early in our relationship when he thought I didnt know about it. He may start to resent me, because I mother him even though part of him needs it and wants it because its the most tenderness he has ever had.
In rereading this I can see that my anxiousness to get to the crux of my issues is actually compromising my ability to make my point. So I am just going to try and tie it all up now. I believe that G was sexually abused by his mother for a few reasons, first because he has eluded to a hatefulness and some questionable interactions with his mother, second because I found notes to his ex where he blamed his mothers sexual abuse on his ability to have a relationship with her because she, like his mother, was overweight. Third, DID is rarely a manifestation of just physical abuse. Fourth he has managed to admit that his father and his grandmother on his mothers side were both child predators, it just doesnt seem like much of a stretch to imagine that Gs mother was doing more then enabling the situation given all the permissions around her with her husbands and mothers behaviors. She might have even found a certain vengeance in it against her husbands actions with their daughter. Anyway, he hasnt told me himself, I am not sure whyperhaps he only made that part up to his ex wife to excuse his lack of desire for her, I am not overweight and all of a sudden he is showing a slowing of desire for me also. Maybe it was never about being overweight, maybe it is simply how women in general begin to effect him. There is a certain safety in relationships that are strictly via the internet, or by stimulation based on looking at porn, beautiful women who dont move or speak, beautiful women you dont even have to touch.
I am sure a said too much on some issues and not enough on others, I am thankful for the space and I appreciate the time you take to read this. I am interested in knowing if any of what I have described here has been familiar and if so what your story is. I am interested in knowing from a male survivor if they are familiar with some of the behaviors I am describing and if they feel like it is possible to have a successful heterosexual relationship in this situation, and what advise they might have to help me open my scope of understanding.
Thank you all.
Janie
As a victim of multiple incidences of sexual abuse by a number of different men through my childhood, I can relate to comments I have read in this forum about feeling as though there is a sign painted on your person that says Hey, over herevictimize me. I know that the truth is that victimizers are keen at knowing a potential victim when they see one, and as the child of a single alcoholic mother who worked nights and slept through out the day, I very likely didnt need any other signs, even though I havent begun to scratch the surface of how my innocence and neediness played into it. What I do know is that even today, at age 39 years and I have raised a daughter of my own, battled my alcoholic potential, I have a neediness that never seems to be filled. I was pretty, the attention men gave me was like a temporary fill, it was like power and the promise of love all rolled up in one and injected right into that hole in my soul warming and numbing me at the same time and I began to seek it out like a junkie.
What saved me from becoming a prostitute? I dont know, I guess maybe it was getting pregnant by the right man, one whos moral were such that he stayed with me. We didnt have a good marriage, he was controlling and I was convinced that he was too good for me. I was not excited by him, so we did not have a healthy sexual relationship, you could even say that there were more then a few times that I found myself repulsed by him. We raised our child to age 15 and then I left. I relapsed in my sobriety, lost control of my child, sought out a swinger lifestyle and in the midst of all that craziness I met my fianc of today. I will refer to him as G.
G was a different man, so different then the men I was used to and when he looked at me it was like he saw right through me, when he spoke to me it was like he was speaking to the pain inside me, I was in awe of his ability to read me so well, to know my thoughts and finish my sentences with them. I know now that it wasnt magic, it was recognition. He knew those things in me because they existed in him, we spoke with each other child to child and pained adult to pained adult and he helped me heal myself from the life I was living by simply making me want better for myself. But, as time went on I began to notice other things about G, things that I have no idea how to deal with on my own.
About 3 months into our relationship I started to notice that G was not always predictable in his behaviors, some days he would be goofy and funny and very attentive and other days he was aloof, detached, even a little bit arrogant and selfish, other times he would be a nervous, worried mess getting caught up in depressed cyclic thinking, while still other times he was like a little boy seeking coddling, mothering, someone to take care of him and baby him, buy him things and stroke his hair. It shouldnt come as a surprise to note that in looking back on those varied dispositions that it was that detached, elusive one that started causing me to scrutinize him, the last thing a needy person like me wants in a relationship is someone who isnt feeding their neediness, so I confronted him.
One night while we were wistfully rehashing our thoughts about the world, the conversation came around to such a place where I found myself saying to G sometimes it feels like you have multiple personality disorder and went on to explain to him why I felt that way and what I had witnessed from him. He was silent for a long time, and then he started to cry and I thought I had done something really insensitive and callus so I went over to him and held him and told him how sorry I was. After awhile he admitted that he had indeed been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), which is what multiple personality disorder is called today, and that he had been in counseling most of his adult life working on managing it. I had only the vaguest idea about DID and what I did know I was skeptical about, I certainly did not expect him to confirm that diagnosis because I was merely using it as an example to accentuate the fact that I saw him having extreme mood swings. It was that night that he first revealed that his father had preyed on his older sister and that his childhood had been very abusive.
Doing some research, I later learned that DID most often is a result of child sexual abuse or some extreme childhood trauma and that it is not really any more sensational then any other personality or dissociative disorder such as narcissism or post traumatic stress disorder. If I was going to love G and believe his story then I would have to try to rid myself of my skeptic attitude and try to understand what it meant for him. Whether the psychiatrist are ever able to prove or disprove DID is not really my concern, I just dont have that much faith in all their applied logic anyway, I do know that I live with a man who is several different men and sometimes a little boy and I love him.
Love him or not, believe him or not, his different personalities have been challenging. I have the very devout religious man, the young adult who enjoys surfing the net and porn, the people pleasing and needy little boy, the teen who cant stop playing x-box once he starts without a timer next to him, the sage who is so wise and kind, the playful young man who is passionate and deliberate and so funny, the angry man who is afraid the whole world is against him and really cant trust anyone, and the broken man who has no faith in his own self worth. And am I not saying that these personalities dont exist in all of us, its just that they are usually enmeshed with each other in the average person and when he is one you cant really reach the others and it makes things confusing sometimes.
G was previously married, had been a virgin till he met his ex-wife. She was a woman who had her own brokenness and not unlike my ex, needed to be in control. He often says he felt as though she had lived over the top of him and he never wants to experience that in a relationship again, there have been times when that has worried him where I am concerned. My neediness causes difficulty for him sometimes, he has an aversion to anything that may make him feel trapped, I try to see this but the type of love I want for myself is one that goes beyond functional, I dont want to be alone in my relationships anymore, so when I feel him slipping from me I sometimes panic. I am almost 40 and I feel my age creeping up on me, how much more time do I have to be pretty and desirable? Who will want me in another couple years if I stay and try to make this work? I love him, I really do but ever since we moved in together he has become less and less interested in me, like in spending time with me and in making love to me. He says it isnt true, and I do know that my need for attention and my need to feel desired and my discontent with aging is part of the issue, but I am starting to fear that he will not be able to carry this relationship, that he will start seeking a way out. He may start covertly like he did with his ex, surfing chat rooms, dating sites and porn for his sexual relief, like he tried to do early in our relationship when he thought I didnt know about it. He may start to resent me, because I mother him even though part of him needs it and wants it because its the most tenderness he has ever had.
In rereading this I can see that my anxiousness to get to the crux of my issues is actually compromising my ability to make my point. So I am just going to try and tie it all up now. I believe that G was sexually abused by his mother for a few reasons, first because he has eluded to a hatefulness and some questionable interactions with his mother, second because I found notes to his ex where he blamed his mothers sexual abuse on his ability to have a relationship with her because she, like his mother, was overweight. Third, DID is rarely a manifestation of just physical abuse. Fourth he has managed to admit that his father and his grandmother on his mothers side were both child predators, it just doesnt seem like much of a stretch to imagine that Gs mother was doing more then enabling the situation given all the permissions around her with her husbands and mothers behaviors. She might have even found a certain vengeance in it against her husbands actions with their daughter. Anyway, he hasnt told me himself, I am not sure whyperhaps he only made that part up to his ex wife to excuse his lack of desire for her, I am not overweight and all of a sudden he is showing a slowing of desire for me also. Maybe it was never about being overweight, maybe it is simply how women in general begin to effect him. There is a certain safety in relationships that are strictly via the internet, or by stimulation based on looking at porn, beautiful women who dont move or speak, beautiful women you dont even have to touch.
I am sure a said too much on some issues and not enough on others, I am thankful for the space and I appreciate the time you take to read this. I am interested in knowing if any of what I have described here has been familiar and if so what your story is. I am interested in knowing from a male survivor if they are familiar with some of the behaviors I am describing and if they feel like it is possible to have a successful heterosexual relationship in this situation, and what advise they might have to help me open my scope of understanding.
Thank you all.
Janie
