New, with many questions.

[TheHermit]

Hi to all who read this, and thanks for your time, and any help you can provide.

I guess i'll give a quick run down of my experience in very vague terms. I was molested (taken advantage of) by a neighbor(adult male)when I was around 9 years old. And also taken advantage of by a 15 year old male when I was about 12 or so. I am now 30 years old and have (apparently, and unfortunately) hardly started to deal with this. It was nothing violent or long-lasting, but has nonetheless taken it's toll on my life. I have told a few close female friends about what happened to me. And have told several psychiatrist, though I have recieved no help or info from the pdocs, other than an "uhhuh" or a simple acknowlegdement of what happened to me. (seems unprofessional, now that I think about it.)

I repressed the memories of these events for nearly all of my life, until 4 years ago, but have since kind of forgotten about it again, and not dealt with it like I should have.

Some of my questions to follow are... Should I describe my experience to another (appropriate) person in detail, rather than vaguely, as I have described it to a few people? What I mean is... will it be more beneficial or more hurtful to go into detail with the proper person about my experiences? And is this a necessary step in recovery?

I guess any other questions I have at this time concern symptoms really. I have read the symptoms that can follow SA, and seem to have almost all of them, with exception of about 2. I guess I could use more understanding about what kind of effect this has had on my life, and can have on someone's life, if anyone could elaborate a bit on that subject for me.

One of my main problems in life, and especially in relationships is trust. I have horrible problems with trust, jealousy, and a pure paranoia of my partner's unfaithfulness. (though all of my partners turn out unfaithful, so this may be a learned lack of trust, or a "chicken and egg" situation)

I have (or have had)(off and on)overeating problems, compulsive spending problems. Anger, temper, rage problems. Depression, Anxiety, Social Anxiety. Agoraphobia, Isolationism, Introversion, i'm usually just a hermit, and don't like to leave the house often, or socialize often. Self-esteem problems, and sexual addiction\perversions. I've had slight problems with sometimes wishing I was female. I have intimacy issues, can't express my feelings sometimes, or most times. I often have what I (and others) would refer to as a "Wall" that must be torn down by potential partners or anyone who wants to get close to me. I have problems communicating. (I guess that falls in the intimacy department) And seem to never feel like my partners truly love me. Drug abuse.

Actually maybe i'll stop there, this could go on for a while. Basically I have been trying to self-diagnose myself with all sorts of disorders and syndromes, and my symptoms fit most criteria for nearly all of them. But it may just be that this is the true root of all of my symptoms, and I have refused to acknowledge that, and deal with this like I should.

Thank you for your time, and any advice, help, wisdom, insight etc. that anyone can offer.

 

[sophiesdad]

Hermit:

First of all, welcome. You are in the right place. And, I will be the first of many to tell you that you are not alone - your symptoms and behaviors are nothing out of the ordinary - they are simply our minds' way of coping with the trauma.

I have a few observations and suggestions:

• Try to find a therapist who is trained in CSA. You need someone who is compassionate and who will gently guide you through the healing process
• "Taken advantage of" is a much softer term than "abused". I would suggest to not "water things down" - abuse is abuse
• Once can be enough - it doesn't take years of abuse to cause the damage... just because you had a couple of experiences, doesn't mean that you didn't suffer severe trauma
• Describing what happened in detail (sometimes called "my story") IS a good first step in acknowledging the abuse. For me, it was too painful to look the people in my support group in the eyes, so I wrote everything down and read it at the meeting...hands shaking and tears streaming down my face. But it was a liberating experience - the secret was out!
• If you want to tell your story, choose someone or someplace that you feel safe. You can post it here, PM another member, or someone in your immediate circle of friends who you trust
• Choose who you divulge your SA to carefully - a lot of people who haven't experienced it find it hard to empathize. They try to understand, but will never know the depth of our souls to which we were affected
• Relationships require trust - we find it hard to trust because we were betrayed so deeply.

I'm known for writing "novels", so I'll wrap it up here by saying that all of the symptoms that you have described are common to CSA.

I would suggest trying to find another T. There is a section on this website where you can search for one in your area. Or maybe one of the T's who moderate can point you in the right direction.

If you can find a support group where you live, that's a good place for healing. This website is a godsend, because "real time" groups are hard to come by, but if you have the advantage of adding that, it is even more powerful because you have to face flesh and blood people while you're talking. The trust that's built in that forum is incredible. I still have a deeply close friend from my support group who I meet with regularly. We have built a level of mutual trust that we can discuss our innermost feelings, shameful memories, desires, faults, victories, etc.

Anyway, welcome again.... you have come to a group of caring, compassionate, and understanding men who have experienced SA and know what it's like to have walked in your shoes.

Sophiesdad

 

[sophiesdad]

I do need to clarify something that Soccer Kid brought up and I guess I wasn't too clear on one point.

Telling your story in detail can be a good idea ONLY IF you are comfortable with it and feel that it is a necessary step in your recovery. I NEED TO STRESS ONLY IF YOU FEEL THE NEED. I'm sorry that I wasn't very clear on that point before and I appreciate Soccer Kid pointing that out.

Never should anything be FORCED in your recovery. I chose to tell my story because I knew that I needed to get out of my comfort level and "break the secret" that I had held for so many years.

Thanks, Soccer Kid.... it was very late when I posted that and I wasn't as clear as I usually am.

SD

 

[TheHermit]

Thanks for your replies, and advice.

I didn't try to sound as if I was "watering things down" It just came out that way. I understand that it has caused me great trauma And it is not right. I guess I was just speaking about my abuse relative to the experiences of others i've read about. As well as attempting to be more detailed about things without be graphic, while still giving an idea of what I experienced. Plus some details were going through my head while writing this. But I will take your advice, and try not to "sugar-coat" or minimize what I have been through. That is important.

I guess i've not gotten mad at my abusers either. As I have read from others, not being able to show anger towards them for what they did.

I also believe i'm thinking things may have been more serious, and happened a few more times than I remember, as I may have repressed even those details as well. It's a possibility anyhow. Most of my childhood memories seem to be non-existant.

Yeah, the Pdocs never spoke to me about my abuse, or gave me any tips for dealing with it, nor any idea of what symptoms it would cause. Though I hardly got started in my therapy before I stopped attending. They just wanted me to stop my drug abuse, and take Paxil before they started making any decisions. I guess I wasn't ready to be sober, and deal with this yet. But they never gave me many answers about what was going on or what they thought. I was so impatient for more help and insight. I will need to return to therapy soon, and get started with this, if i'm to get my life straight. With a good, and qualified therapist, of course.

Actually i'm beginning therapy already, right here. It's helpful to be able to talk about these things with others, and hear their stories as well.

I thank you for the welcomes, and the advice. I look forward to hearing from others as well.

 

[sophiesdad]

Hi again, Hermit:

I guess i've not gotten mad at my abusers either. As I have read from others, not being able to show anger towards them for what they did.

I also believe i'm thinking things may have been more serious, and happened a few more times than I remember, as I may have repressed even those details as well. It's a possibility anyhow. Most of my childhood memories seem to be non-existant.

Lots of us are afraid of expressing our emotions, especially anger. We're afraid that if we get angry that the rage inside will be uncontrollable. In time, and in a safe place, you will experience the fact that you CAN be angry and learn how to express it and that your emotions won't destroy you or others. And at the risk of sound like a T (which I definitely am not), depression is nothing more than anger turned inwards. We often blame ouselves for the abuse and, many times, get depressed.

As to not remembering a lot, that's a common thing, too. For example, I don't remember much of my life before age 12 or 13. What I have recovered in memory is in bits and pieces. Our minds use memory repression to protect us from events that were too painful or terrifying.

Though I hardly got started in my therapy before I stopped attending. They just wanted me to stop my drug abuse, and take Paxil before they started making any decisions. I guess I wasn't ready to be sober, and deal with this yet.

It just wasn't your time. Each of us has his own time in which to deal with things. The fact that you're here now is a testament to the fact that your time is now and you're ready to face and conquer memories of your CSA.

SD

 

[Grobut]

Its very true what you say about anger sophiesdad, i for one am terrified that if i let the cat out of the bag, it'll never get back in.

From what i've read thats normal, and many survivors feel that way.

 

[FLRich]

TheHermit,

Welcome to Male Survivor. It's great to see that you are ready to deal with your past SA. The guys here are great! You never have to feel alone again!

Tell as much or as little as YOU feel comfortable telling others. This is all about YOUR healing. I would encourage you to be selective about who you tell, and how much you tell them. You can safely confide in therapists and the guys here. You know the ones in your personal life that you can trust. Do, and say what is right for you.

Good luck!

 

[VN]

Hello, I am new here also. I do not know so much to give you answers or advise. There is one situation of something that happen to me, it is addressed some few months back ago that I have to give more details of, because it is of legal issue. I am thinking, small bit of what I tell to anyone right now, that was much more hard,and upset me much more then just to say 'this happen then'. Detail, I think it is on you to think if is needed. But I think for me was quite scary. I hope you will find good here.

VN

 

[TheHermit]

Thanks for the replies, as always.

I guess i've just been thinking that maybe I do need to speak about the details to someone else, at some point. That maybe that will, in some way, help me more. But I suppose, as many have stated, that will need to be my decision.