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testingWaters

I confronted my father without saying anything specific.

He yelled and got angry and told me he has no idea what I'm talking about and immediately went into a terrifying litany of repudiations. He told me I was crazy, that I am a bad person, that this is what I do to other people, that I could not give him a blanket of blame for my own problems, etc. But he looked afraid. Or maybe I projected that.

Then I confronted my two siblings who are not ready to believe me and have me sitting with a new and ugly form of self doubt in which I am afraid that I am "just" doing this to punish him, hurt him, make him feel weak and powerless, etc. And I am, but to do so without cause I would have to be a complete narcissist, devoid of any human feelings, and I am pretty damn sure I am not that. Or at least I sure hope not. Is anyone awake right now? I'm feeling very numb.
 
TW,

Your reaction to what happened is absolutely understandable. An abused boy is so ready to think that whatever is wrong is his fault anyway, and that feeling of "it's all me" doesn't go away just because he's an adult now.

I think what you need to hear first is this: Boys don't have a vested interest in inventing stories about being abused by their own father! Why would you do that when the result would predictably be to make you look (to others) so shameful and risk being disbelieved and rejected?

Your siblings perhaps aren't ready to believe you because they never say this side of your father. With them he may have been loving and ideal, so they cannot imagine that he would do any such thing. Or if they do believe it, then perhaps they were harmed as well but are unwilling to have all this come out in the open.

Your father is probably VERY afraid! His anger and denials are typical for abusive relatives, and you can bet he will rerun his mantra every chance he gets, or at least every time he needs to defend himself.

Do you have a T? I don't recall what you said about this. You are not dumb, my friend! Not in the least. But this is heavy stuff to go through, and I have to say I hope you won't try to do it without professional help. The problem isn't that you are such a mess; the problem is that child sexual abuse is such a terrible and devastating crime.

Much love,
Larry
 
Definitely sounds like a shifting the blame stunt to me. If he can make you look bad it takes the heat off him.

On your other siblings not believing you, to have a bombshell of incest dropped on anybody, let alone one that says its been happening in their own family is like having leprosy. Its all too much to bear and many people will go into denial.

The other sad thing is that where incest takes place the perpetrator often doesnt just limit the abuse to one. I dont want to raise unnecessary alarm bells here but it could also explain their reaction.

Trying to get them to think about the unthinkable (if indeed it did happened to them also) is probably not a good idea right now. Just like you needed to arrive at this place of confront your past abuse they (if abused) will need to do this also.

This is about you. Know that you are right and not to blame. Whatever shit he throws at you let it fly on past.

Im not a violent man, but if you have any spare baseball bats lying around give me his address.

Take care.
 
Thank you. After I posted this last night I called a Child Abuse hotline since I felt alone. And the woman I spoke to was very helpful. I told her what had happened and as I said it out loud to another person I could see that I was fine and that what happened yesterday was perfectly common. Of course I understand it is devastating for them, but one of their responses was that they didn't know what to do because all I told them was that I believed I had been sexually abused by my father. They seemed to be saying if I told them more details they could make up their own mind. And I don't particularly think I should have to relive the things that scared me most in order to get them to believe me. I was obsessed with proof when I was a kid, black and white thinking etc. And I don't want to go there again. Acknowledging and confronting this felt like such a breakthrough. Now I see that a whole new chapter in my life has just begun and that it is going to be a long road and have all of its own perils. Best to all.
 
TW,

Yes, a long road indeed, but worth the trip since you get your life back. Hang in there.

On your siblings I can see how they feel. The problem here is that so far you haven't given them anything to "work" with. Rather, you just threw them a slippery sphere. They can either hold it or drop it but not much else. There's nothing for them to think about or reflect upon.

When I disclosed to my parents last November the T I used stressed to me that it was vital that I give them enough to chew on and put together: who, when, where, how bad, and so on. None of the details, just enough for them to gain something "real" to work on emotionally.

Much love,
Larry
 
Man I am so proud of you TestingWaters.
That took alot of intestinal fortide to confront that. I am on the fence at the momment on how I am to address it. It has to be done, I know this but man. Good job one more battle completed in this War and you won. Good job I cant express that enough and thanks seeing this post had a possitve affect on myself and my continuing War.

Thanks

Pete
 
I haven't wanted to clearly remember enough specific details to give them something to chew on. Though they're there.

It is hard to explain but one thing I'm noticing may be familiar to others or may not. In doing all of this I've burned my hiding place. Throughout my life I've had this place to go to where I have an excuse for myself and for not dealing with things, responsibilities and confrontations. And the more I let go, remember and process, the more that place disappears. It is what I always wanted, to be free of, and yet now I have nowhere to hide. I've made the confrontation I always feared and I understand how it kept me from making other ones, but I now see a huge, huge, huge amount of responsibility that I never took for things in my life and in my mind I no longer have an excuse. All of which is good but I feel overwhelmed. There are some outstanding things I need to go back and confront now in my professional life and I can do it but it's all so confusing. Wish you well.
 
TW,

That's an interesting way to put it: burning the hiding place. That expresses the feeling of exposure and vulnerability you experience now that the information is "out there" to some extent.

I guess I would just assure you that the hiding place is not somewhere you can live your life. Maybe you haven't burned it after all. What if you are simply facing the fact that the hiding place was never going to be any more than an illusion?

Much love,
Larry
 
Yeah I think I know what you mean. I internalized so much as a way to cope - self-loathing, self-doubt and fear of myself. At first the past few days I felt very powerful and I could see him as weak and vulnerable and I could see the part of me that wanted to punish him. And then I got really afraid of that power again - that I didn't want to have to choose between being crazy or ruining his life. In one sense I have a huge amount of power and authority now and I'm afraid that I will abuse that power/authority. I never asked for that power. I don't want my words to be so powerful. I don't want to hold a secret anymore that threatens someone else. It's not fair. That feeling makes me want to run away and hide where I can be sure I will never hurt anyone. Once again, writing all of this is like exorcising a childs logic. It's like finally exposing my own magical thinking and recognizing that I have privately remained a child for ages. I have a good T but I like having this place to come to, where I can tell a bunch of strangers (since I don't have many other people to tell) that I'm trying to be honorable, ethical and all of those things as I deal with something that I still barely comprehend and that makes me feel nauseous all over. Peace.
 
TW,

I'm so glad you have a T to discuss all this with. That really is an important plus.

It's perceptive how you describe things: discovering yourself possessed of unwanted power and at the same time feeling like a child. It's all part of the confusion I think, and after a time you will gain in confidence and sort this out too.

Much love,
Larry
 
I have a quick update for anyone who's been following this. I had to come back to the house to stay for two nights after the initial confrontation. And left again yesterday.

In that time my father never tried to speak to me. He only asked me mom "if she knew what I was talking about." The little kid in me sees that as almost objective proof. The adult knows it is at least a very odd response when your son says he never wants to see you again and may pursue legal action. Last night I stayed elsewhere. This morning my mom updated me that he did not even ask where I was and seemed to be in a much better mood.

My own grasp on reality is tenuous. I have the sense that part of me is still an 8 year old kid who never fully processed being sexually molested. When I saw my T yesterday, I realized that I have been feeling like a little kid who is afraid of the Devil and that he can control me. That sounds crazy but bear in mind it is a very powerful *feeling*. As an adult I don't believe people are evil though I do believe they are capable of doing evil things.

I leave town for good (whatever that means) in a few days. In the mean time I will be seeing another shrink who is a family friend to get a 2nd opinion, or maybe a better way to say that is to explain what I've worked through and realized in the past several months and get his professional opinion on what's going on. I used to be so afraid of psychiatrists, etc. This time I feel like I can go in and tell the truth and that the truth will transcend doubt/skepticism.

Until then I'm feeling shaky. I have a huge amount of catching up to do. I don't know how to recognize and trust my feelings. I've spent so much of my life pretending. I look in the mirror and it is overwhelming.

This is getting long and my coffee is done brewing but I wanted to share this with someone. Alone in my hotel room last night I felt my deepest terror. It was very scary and I was so so anxious. Finally I realized something. Assuming this is all true, it means that I've had sexual relations with my dad. I hit a place where I realized that beyond being terrifying that was the most repugnant, embarassing thing a little boy could imagine. That he would work to protect with absolutely everything he had. And maybe I'm nuts, but it felt like a healing moment, cause I was like a little kid who was beyond grossed out. And I started laughing to realize that a huge part of what I've been running from my whole life is that feeling of humiliation.

Anyways, I'm so used to making up stories to explain my life that sometimes I still don't trust myself when I write this stuff. But you're all strangers anyways. Peace and love to all.
 
I am so sorry this happened, especially since it was your father who did it.
Flashbaks and feeling of terror is a common experience, but you must get beyond the devil being part of you.

We are taught about the devil when we are young, and it is twisted in your mind that somehow you were driven by the devil.

My feelings of terror somehow go back to when I was 12 or 13yo, and believe me they are real, but they are not mine, they are too fragmented to put together, and notice that they do not reflect my age of abuse at 10yo.

When a parent does this, and a mother who never notices, or at worst puts it behind her.
It is an act of extreme betrayal, that she covers for him even now, and still fails to protect her son.

I hope you can find peace in all of this,

ste
 
That is what I am trying to do very actively right now. I guess to give some background -- everyone I've talked to says I'm making unusually good progress. I still have to take their word for it because I've never trusted myself before.

I wrote my dad a two page letter that I won't give to him yet. I'm holding it right now and I want to give a copy to my mom and say "This is what I think is true."

Yet I am still in a boxing ring with this one thought that maybe I am "just gay." It is a little kid's thought, I know, and I sure as hell understand why most kids would run away from that. And exploring where the fuck that thought came from is what led me back here. But I am having a huge amount of trouble trusting this: I am a grown man who is very progressive who has a gay T, who is comfortable around gay men (I think partly because they are in touch with their sexuality and I might've had the idea that repression leads to what happened), etc.

I say it and I write it but I never believe it, I guess because its the last hiding place: if I were "gay" I would be. In order to get to this place, I had to tell myself I was completely open to that and that I would blank slate the issue and explore it in time. And I promise myself and all these strangers that I will, but at the same time, last night Naomi Watts never seemed so sexy on TV.

It's like the more I see how afraid of that "devil" I am, the more I come into real adult contact with my heterosexuality.

I don't even feel confused right now, I don't think, just afraid I'm going to finally hand this letter to someone besides myself and they are going to analyze me and tell me I've got something totally wrong. That sounds exactly what I'm most afraid of, and it is time to be brave.

Right?
 
Oh and PS. Other people might appreciate something great my therapist said yesterday which is the Devil, as an idea, can also be thought of as a Trickster who speaks truth to power. Isn't that f'ing great? He's awesome.
 
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