New-unsure about my story.. TW (maybe)
hi all.
first I'm very pleased that a place like this exists online. it's very important and valuable and life changing.
My story is strange because I am unsure if any abuse actually happened. I'll explain:
I'm 34. I have lived a happy life. amazing parents and siblings. However, I have always been spacey, "absent" and disassociated for as long as I can remember.
Because of this my inner self talk, my sense of belonging with others can be very poor. I always tell myself I am different, I will never be included in their world
their club, etc...
I had my first marijuana experience in college and took a much much higher dose than I should have (ate 5 or six brownies and didn't think they were working)
In addition to so many insane sensations that night, one thing that the marijuana brought up was an image of darkness, tied to a erotic/sexual feeling, tied to young age, tied to sense of HELP! As I got older and continued to understand what marijuana does and use it more wisely and safely, everytime I smoke, this feeling occurs...as I get older a feeling of intense fear and shame happens. I shake out all the tensions. images that I cannot tell if they are real or imaginary flood my mind. One in particular is being at a friends house and the friend's father is taking off my shoes as I'm sitting on a bed. I was around 14-15 at this time so why did I need help taking off my shoes?? More feelings of intense dirtiness, filth, disgust of my body. I end up needing to take showers immediately after the marijuana kicks in. I feel so much shame for existing that I want to shrink inside myself and become nothing-that is the only way I can be around people. Its almost like the marijuana is holding up the biggest mirror and saying "this is what you think of yourself and this is why" but I'm too afraid and confused throughout the whole experience.
So life goes on..I don't smoke often anymore, but little fragments keep popping up. Ones that are legit memories-like when after I spent the night at this person's house, I also developed a yeast infection (thrush) in my throat, doctors had no idea how I got it... Also strangely, the night that I found out my best friend died, and my emotions were all over the place, I had a very vivid dream of being at this same house and being abused by the man and his wife, instructed to go down on her and videotaping it.
When hearing stories, such as yourselves, some of it rings true. I do hold a sense of shame, disgust, and cannot figure out the root cause. I want to listen to my intuition, but I feel if I have no memory of it, I don't want to make it up. I don't know if the body can trick itself into thinking it experienced trauma?? I just feel so very strange that there feels like a clear "something happened that I don't understand" in my early life but that's it. I don't want to include myself with the very real survivor stories if I can't remember anything. Has anyone experienced this? Is this how it begins?? am I finally trying to wake up?
first I'm very pleased that a place like this exists online. it's very important and valuable and life changing.
My story is strange because I am unsure if any abuse actually happened. I'll explain:
I'm 34. I have lived a happy life. amazing parents and siblings. However, I have always been spacey, "absent" and disassociated for as long as I can remember.
Because of this my inner self talk, my sense of belonging with others can be very poor. I always tell myself I am different, I will never be included in their world
their club, etc...
I had my first marijuana experience in college and took a much much higher dose than I should have (ate 5 or six brownies and didn't think they were working)
In addition to so many insane sensations that night, one thing that the marijuana brought up was an image of darkness, tied to a erotic/sexual feeling, tied to young age, tied to sense of HELP! As I got older and continued to understand what marijuana does and use it more wisely and safely, everytime I smoke, this feeling occurs...as I get older a feeling of intense fear and shame happens. I shake out all the tensions. images that I cannot tell if they are real or imaginary flood my mind. One in particular is being at a friends house and the friend's father is taking off my shoes as I'm sitting on a bed. I was around 14-15 at this time so why did I need help taking off my shoes?? More feelings of intense dirtiness, filth, disgust of my body. I end up needing to take showers immediately after the marijuana kicks in. I feel so much shame for existing that I want to shrink inside myself and become nothing-that is the only way I can be around people. Its almost like the marijuana is holding up the biggest mirror and saying "this is what you think of yourself and this is why" but I'm too afraid and confused throughout the whole experience.
So life goes on..I don't smoke often anymore, but little fragments keep popping up. Ones that are legit memories-like when after I spent the night at this person's house, I also developed a yeast infection (thrush) in my throat, doctors had no idea how I got it... Also strangely, the night that I found out my best friend died, and my emotions were all over the place, I had a very vivid dream of being at this same house and being abused by the man and his wife, instructed to go down on her and videotaping it.
When hearing stories, such as yourselves, some of it rings true. I do hold a sense of shame, disgust, and cannot figure out the root cause. I want to listen to my intuition, but I feel if I have no memory of it, I don't want to make it up. I don't know if the body can trick itself into thinking it experienced trauma?? I just feel so very strange that there feels like a clear "something happened that I don't understand" in my early life but that's it. I don't want to include myself with the very real survivor stories if I can't remember anything. Has anyone experienced this? Is this how it begins?? am I finally trying to wake up?