New-unsure about my story.. TW (maybe)

amoda

Registrant
hi all.
first I'm very pleased that a place like this exists online. it's very important and valuable and life changing.
My story is strange because I am unsure if any abuse actually happened. I'll explain:

I'm 34. I have lived a happy life. amazing parents and siblings. However, I have always been spacey, "absent" and disassociated for as long as I can remember.
Because of this my inner self talk, my sense of belonging with others can be very poor. I always tell myself I am different, I will never be included in their world
their club, etc...
I had my first marijuana experience in college and took a much much higher dose than I should have (ate 5 or six brownies and didn't think they were working)
In addition to so many insane sensations that night, one thing that the marijuana brought up was an image of darkness, tied to a erotic/sexual feeling, tied to young age, tied to sense of HELP! As I got older and continued to understand what marijuana does and use it more wisely and safely, everytime I smoke, this feeling occurs...as I get older a feeling of intense fear and shame happens. I shake out all the tensions. images that I cannot tell if they are real or imaginary flood my mind. One in particular is being at a friends house and the friend's father is taking off my shoes as I'm sitting on a bed. I was around 14-15 at this time so why did I need help taking off my shoes?? More feelings of intense dirtiness, filth, disgust of my body. I end up needing to take showers immediately after the marijuana kicks in. I feel so much shame for existing that I want to shrink inside myself and become nothing-that is the only way I can be around people. Its almost like the marijuana is holding up the biggest mirror and saying "this is what you think of yourself and this is why" but I'm too afraid and confused throughout the whole experience.
So life goes on..I don't smoke often anymore, but little fragments keep popping up. Ones that are legit memories-like when after I spent the night at this person's house, I also developed a yeast infection (thrush) in my throat, doctors had no idea how I got it... Also strangely, the night that I found out my best friend died, and my emotions were all over the place, I had a very vivid dream of being at this same house and being abused by the man and his wife, instructed to go down on her and videotaping it.

When hearing stories, such as yourselves, some of it rings true. I do hold a sense of shame, disgust, and cannot figure out the root cause. I want to listen to my intuition, but I feel if I have no memory of it, I don't want to make it up. I don't know if the body can trick itself into thinking it experienced trauma?? I just feel so very strange that there feels like a clear "something happened that I don't understand" in my early life but that's it. I don't want to include myself with the very real survivor stories if I can't remember anything. Has anyone experienced this? Is this how it begins?? am I finally trying to wake up?
 
Welcome! I'm afraid I didn't experience anything like what you're describing as far as your memories, or fragments of memories. Even so I think you'll find this is a safe space to explore those feelings & try to make sense of them. The mind is a powerful thing, & capable of protecting us from things we weren't prepared to handle at the time. I'm truly sorry for the loss of your friend. I would encourage you to consider therapy with someone experienced in childhood trauma, & perhaps EMDR as I've heard that can help fill in some blanks. That is just a suggestion though & I am no professional, so you do what you think is best for you. I hope you are able to find some answers. Take care!
 
Welcome. It is very difficult to share feelings like that, but I do believe that sharing them will help you to understand them and perhaps to remember more or determine their truthfulness.

I did have similar experiences to yours. I felt increasing anxiety/panic when using pot and other drugs accompanied by very strong physical sensations of dirtiness and being under threat. I also experienced some reoccurring images I did not understand, but that were oddly disturbing and emotionally charged. I finally remembered the first time I was raped 50 years later. It was an extremely physical memory, but part of me still wanted to doubt it. The emotional and physical intensity of the memory, along with some pretty clear changes in the way I experienced myself afterwards left no doubt that it was a true memory.

Only you can figure out where your feelings and possible memories are coming from. Professional help, or at least a very close friend to share this with will probably be very be helpful. There are lots of men here willing to listen and share, too.

Take care.
 

amoda

Registrant
Welcome. It is very difficult to share feelings like that, but I do believe that sharing them will help you to understand them and perhaps to remember more or determine their truthfulness.

I did have similar experiences to yours. I felt increasing anxiety/panic when using pot and other drugs accompanied by very strong physical sensations of dirtiness and being under threat. I also experienced some reoccurring images I did not understand, but that were oddly disturbing and emotionally charged. I finally remembered the first time I was raped 50 years later. It was an extremely physical memory, but part of me still wanted to doubt it. The emotional and physical intensity of the memory, along with some pretty clear changes in the way I experienced myself afterwards left no doubt that it was a true memory.

Only you can figure out where your feelings and possible memories are coming from. Professional help, or at least a very close friend to share this with will probably be very be helpful. There are lots of men here willing to listen and share, too.

Take care.
Thank you so much for the response. It makes me feel sane. Your experience and feelings sound similar to mine but like you I always want to doubt it and the amount of negativity that I give myself is crazy. I won’t let myself win. Either I’m disgusting and a shell of a person if it did happen or I’m stupid for thinking my imagination is coming up with this. I’m curious and a bit scared what happens next. But thank you for reaching out
 
Thank you so much for the response. It makes me feel sane. Your experience and feelings sound similar to mine but like you I always want to doubt it and the amount of negativity that I give myself is crazy. I won’t let myself win. Either I’m disgusting and a shell of a person if it did happen or I’m stupid for thinking my imagination is coming up with this. I’m curious and a bit scared what happens next. But thank you for reaching out
Amoda,

In my opinion, no matter what comes next you're just a human being trying to do the best you can. That's what I tell myself when I bring the world down on top of me. It usually helps.

Take care of yourself.
 
@amoda
I have no doubt you experienced trauma as a youth. I had a new memory in the past 18 months that centered around my father & a cross-dressed male prostitute-this would have been in the late 1960’s—when I was 6-8.

I’ve discussed it with my therapist & he says the memories will become more clear when my mind & body are ready to process more of it. He told me, and I trust & respect him, not to rush it; not to try to find the memories-just to wait for them to rise to the surface of my mind. You too will figure out how you want to/are supposed to deal with them.

I wish you well.

Joe
 

betrayed boy

Greeter
Staff member
your mind will let memories when it thinks you are well enough to deal with them,,,,,,,,as to your throat it sounds like the parents used you for sex some women get yeast infections on and off so that could be where you caught it,,,,,another thought there could have been some type of drug the parents dosed you with that could be why your memories are so messed up over it,,,,,welcome to m/s btw
 

WG

Registrant
It all takes time. I'm 68 years old (my trauma happened between 1959 and 1961). My T told me the same thing : don't rush. Don't think that it's one and done. The memories surface as you move through your recovery work. Sit with them. Let them wave through you - and write them out if you're able then process them with your T. This is what they went to school for. This is why you spend your time with them - they're safe, they can see these memories with 'different eyes' and give perspective. Keep up the work. You're worth it.
 
hi all.
first I'm very pleased that a place like this exists online. it's very important and valuable and life changing.
My story is strange because I am unsure if any abuse actually happened. I'll explain:

I'm 34. I have lived a happy life. amazing parents and siblings. However, I have always been spacey, "absent" and disassociated for as long as I can remember.
Because of this my inner self talk, my sense of belonging with others can be very poor. I always tell myself I am different, I will never be included in their world
their club, etc...
I had my first marijuana experience in college and took a much much higher dose than I should have (ate 5 or six brownies and didn't think they were working)
In addition to so many insane sensations that night, one thing that the marijuana brought up was an image of darkness, tied to a erotic/sexual feeling, tied to young age, tied to sense of HELP! As I got older and continued to understand what marijuana does and use it more wisely and safely, everytime I smoke, this feeling occurs...as I get older a feeling of intense fear and shame happens. I shake out all the tensions. images that I cannot tell if they are real or imaginary flood my mind. One in particular is being at a friends house and the friend's father is taking off my shoes as I'm sitting on a bed. I was around 14-15 at this time so why did I need help taking off my shoes?? More feelings of intense dirtiness, filth, disgust of my body. I end up needing to take showers immediately after the marijuana kicks in. I feel so much shame for existing that I want to shrink inside myself and become nothing-that is the only way I can be around people. Its almost like the marijuana is holding up the biggest mirror and saying "this is what you think of yourself and this is why" but I'm too afraid and confused throughout the whole experience.
So life goes on..I don't smoke often anymore, but little fragments keep popping up. Ones that are legit memories-like when after I spent the night at this person's house, I also developed a yeast infection (thrush) in my throat, doctors had no idea how I got it... Also strangely, the night that I found out my best friend died, and my emotions were all over the place, I had a very vivid dream of being at this same house and being abused by the man and his wife, instructed to go down on her and videotaping it.

When hearing stories, such as yourselves, some of it rings true. I do hold a sense of shame, disgust, and cannot figure out the root cause. I want to listen to my intuition, but I feel if I have no memory of it, I don't want to make it up. I don't know if the body can trick itself into thinking it experienced trauma?? I just feel so very strange that there feels like a clear "something happened that I don't understand" in my early life but that's it. I don't want to include myself with the very real survivor stories if I can't remember anything. Has anyone experienced this? Is this how it begins?? am I finally trying to wake up?
@amoda I owe you a thank you. Your story help me connect some dots just last night.

When I read about your throat infection, something started to churn in the back of my mind. This morning when I awoke, I remembered that I was diagnosed with scabies (sometime between the sixth and eighth grade). Scabies isn’t necessarily an STD, (but technically he could be classified as one) and when the doctor, with my father in the room with me, explained the rash on my stomach, groin, inside of my thighs was scabies, I felt dirty. I also felt ashamed and fearful.

My father never took me to the doctor. It was always my mom/stepmom. I remember that when I noticed the bumps on my skin, I told him. He’s the one who made the appointment to see the doctor.

Did he make the appointment because he knew what it was and how I picked it up? Did he make the appointment so he could assure the doctor nothing inappropriate was going on? Was he trying to mitigate the situation?

I knew at my age, (I only remember that I had already started puberty), that I should not have that condition . The doctor, nonchalantly, told my father “yeah kids pick this up sometime…”.

The problem was, no one else in my family had it and neither did any of my friends at school. I wondered then, and I ask now: then where did I get it?

Did I get it from my father and his friends?

Is scabies part of the memory, from my earlier years, when he picked up a male, cross dressing prostitute as I sat in his (dad’s) front seat? I have a partial memory of this event & I am certain the two of them had their way with me. Today I ask: is this when and how I picked up that skin condition?

@amoda this is why I come to the site. To learn, to understand, and see things in a new light.

Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing.

Joe
 

amoda

Registrant
Thank you all for sharing your vulnerability and care and stories. I will just ride out the sensations, memories and not force anything. Even though I do t know you, I love you all just from the compassion you have shown. Much appreciated
 
This is how healing happens. We struggle with shame and confusion, often without clear memories of bad things happening. We find this place and read what other men have shared and wonder whether we've missed something. We take the great leap into the unknown and register... then tell a bit of our story. Other men read and comment, offer support... tell about their struggles with memory, with shame, with fear and confusion. We are all helping one another find the truth. Welcome amoda. You're not alone. I didn't remember anything about the four years of trauma I experienced from age 3 to 7 when I was raped until I was in my early fifties. But I'd struggled my entire life with feelings of shame.

Please be gentle with yourself. The burden of trauma you carry doesn't really belong to you, but rather to the perpetrators who hurt you. Healing takes time and great self-compassion. We are all learning how to do that. Welcome to Male Survivor. Support is here for you. All you have to do is keep coming back and keep telling the truth. I wish you well on your journey.
 
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