New understanding

[Caetel]

Hey !
I haven't been posting for a while but need to share something which I am not going to explain properly. During the retreat in Switzerland, I was introduced to a guy who had been abused by women when he was a year and a half.
The weird thing was that he looked a lot like V. not so much physically (though there were a few similarities) but more in the body language (shoulders down, closed body turned inwards, hands between thighs all the time...). There was an unbelievable pain coming out of this young man and it hit me like hell.
Suddenly it was like I was "getting it" about V. It was about understanding the core emotional pain, feeling it, experiencing it. I have been a mess since then. It was the last piece of the puzzle and yet I cannot really describe that "it" and don't know what to do with that or why that knowledge was given to me now (two years after he left me). I still love him and it is bringing back all the painful emotions of the break up.
So why ?

 

[roadrunner]

Caro,

You are a loving and caring person and clearly you still have feelings for V. and wish him well. When you saw this young man and the way he expressed himself in his body language, you recognized these features from V. and realized that they weren't just idiosyncrasies of V., but rather traits of a survivor in his situation. Connecting with this young man's pain helps you to connect to V's in a more immediate way.

Maybe you are thinking something like, "If only I had seen...", or "If only I had understood this..." Perhaps this experience drives home to you the incredible damage that CSA does not only to the children it touches, but also to those close to them then and later in their lives. I myself am sometimes staggered by this fact. It's something we know and acknowledge, but when we see yet another vivid example of it it can be quite overwhelming, especially, as in this case for you, it has some connection with our own lives.

Much love,
Larry

 

[SAR]

The weird thing was that he looked a lot like V. not so much physically (though there were a few similarities) but more in the body language (shoulders down, closed body turned inwards, hands between thighs all the time...). There was an unbelievable pain coming out of this young man and it hit me like hell.

I had an experience like this, I was talking with another survivor who has done a lot of work on his healing and he said something in what was meant to be an exaggeration of his former, self-deprecating tone of voice. All of the sudden it could have been my partner talking to me.

Caro, I know that you are a very caring person and have trouble NOT focusing on the other person's emotions... but I hope you are extending that same attention and care to yourself and allowing yourself to really experience your own loss and hurt over the breakup. Maybe that is part of the puzzle too and will help you to really heal so that it doesn't hurt you so badly every time something reminds you of V.

At least it is my wish for you that it can stop hurting you so much...

SAR

 

[Caetel]

Thanks guys !
Larry it is exactly that and I guess part of the reason why I "got it" was that my own healing process since the break up allowed me to have that awareness.
SAR I have unfortunately gone through the mourning of that relationship and even had a spiritual experience to help me with the closure last Spring doing the vision quest in Ireland. I have also been dating another great guy. I don't know where the relationship is going right now but there is a will to go slow on both sides due to our painful past (though he isn't a survivor but experience a lot of loneliness as a child).
But the love for V is still very much there and would remain until the day I die. The pain also that it hasn't been a clean break up because it was due to infamous diffamation and people sending him crazy letters pretending to be me.
There was never on his side a wish to clarify and breaking up "properly" whatever that means.
Thank you very much for your love and support.
Caro