new type of abuse?

I am a middle aged male.my x wife(wife at the time)asked that i have a vasectomy for her health reasons. she said she needed to get off the pill.
we saw a doctor, he counseled us, told us that it is considered permenent and should only be done if we were sure of the future of our relationship.
I had the vasectomy. the very next week she changed her hairdo and makeup. sex came to a stand still right after my recovery . she lost all respect for me. she started having another man over to our home.
she soon left me and told me she had not loved me for over two years.this all happened in a four month period.i am very angry over this, i feel this was intentional. i wish i had some kind of recourse .strange thing is this happened to a coworker of mine a few months after me. don't take it all in stide guys, do your home work before you have a vas. i now have a wonderful wife. i can not have children with her. be careful!!

 

[getteddie]

Matt,

There is a very good Dick Doctor here in Baltimore at Johns Hopkins Hospital who is world known for the repair of your first operation. I see him for my problems and if you are interested in having a child he is most likely your best bet...you got a 75% chance of him being able to make the repairs. If you are interested, let me know and I will give you his name and how to make an apointment to see if he can do it for you.

Good Luck
Eddie

 

[thunderbolt]

i know what you mean, that blows, people are contemptable.. my wife thinks i did it to help to you should see the strain on her face when she found out i was sex addict, to bad shell never be the same, thats realy fucked up, i alwise know i was a bad seed ...

 

[RJD]

HI THUNDERBOLT,
YOU ARE A SEPARATE PERSON FROM HER. MANY A TIME I MADE MY WIFE INTO MY MOTHER IN MY HEAD. EITHER I PUT HER ON A PEDASTAL OR I HAD CONTEMPT FOR HER. SHE WAS A SAINT AND I WAS SHIT. BOTH WAYS WERE ABOUT AVOIDING BEING OUT OF CONTROL IN MY LIFE. SOMEONE HAD TO FEEL MY CONTEMPT/RAGE, AND IT WOULD BE HER OR ME( IT WAS MORE OFTEN ME AS THE FOCUS). IVE LEARNED TO BEGIN TO PUT THE RAGE WHERE IT BELONGS, ON MY MOTHER(OR MY OLDER BROTHER), NOT ON MY WIFE OR MYSELF. I REACTED WHEN YOU DESCRIBED YOURSELF AS A BAD SEED. IT IS A FEELING VERY FAMILIAR TO ME. IT WAS WHAT I WAS TAUGHT TO FEEL ABOUT MYSELF. I WASNT A PERSON. I FELT LIKE I SHOULD APOLOGIZE FOR TAKING UP AIR THAT SOMEONE ELSE NEEDED. I WAS THERE FOR WHARTEVER SHE NEEDED, SHE DIDNT KNOW HOW TO GIVE ME WHAT I NEEDED (RESPECT). SHE WOULDNT HAVE DONE THE THINGS SHE DID IF ONLY I HAD BEEN A GOOD BOY. THAT IS THE LOGIC OF A CHILD. IT IS TERMED MAGICAL THINKING. A CHILD BELIEVES THAT IF BAD THINGS HAPPEN IT MUST BE BECAUSE OF SOMETHING BAD THEY DID. TO BE SEXUALIZED AS A CHILD MEANS THERE MUST BE SOMETHING BAD ABOUT WHO WE ARE.
I USED TO WORK ON A PSYCH UNIT. A THERAPIST I WORKED WITH USED THIS ANALOGY TO DESCRIBE THE PROCESS OF WHAT HAPPENS TO US TO FOSTER SHIT (MY EXPRESSION) SELF-ESTEEM. HE SAID IMAGINE GOING TO A NEW-BORN NURSERY IN A HOSPITAL. LOOKING AT ALL THE BABIES THERE TRY TO PICK OUT THE ONES THAT ARE NOT PRECIOUS. IT REALLY CANNOT BE DONE IN MY ESTIMATE. WE ARE ALL BORN PRECIOUS YET WITHIN A COUPLE OF WEEKS SOME OF THEM ARE GOING TO LEARN TO BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE NOT, EVEN AT THAT EARLY AGE.
ONE OF MY SAYINGS THAT KEEP ME HUMBLE IS "WE ALL HAVE A RIGHT TO BE AN ASSHOLE." MEANING TODAY MAY BE MY TURN TO BE A FLAWED HUMAN BEING AND TOMORROW MAY BE MY WIFES TURN TO BE ONE. SOME TIMES MY WIFE CANT BE THERE FOR MY NEEDS BECAUSE SHE IS ENGULFED IN HER OWN NEEDINESS, OR VICE VERSA. THAT IS THE PURPOSE FOR A NETWORK OF FRIENDS. THE COUNTRY WESTERN SONGS ARE WRONG WHEN THEY SAY" I CANT LIVE WITHOUT YOU".
DOESNT SOUND LIKE YOUR WIFE CAN BE THERE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW , OR MAYBE EVEN FOREVER. I HEAR YOUR FEAR. YOU STILL DESERVE TO TREAT YOURSELF AND HAVE OTHERS TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT AND RECOGNIZE HOW PRECIOUS YOU ARE.. I STILL OFTEN HAVE TO SAY THAT OUT LOUD TO MYSELF TO BRING MYSELF TO CENTER WHEN I AM IN A SELF-LOATHING
SPIRAL. IT CAN BE A VERY POWERFUL SPIRAL.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU AND YET I KNOW YOU WERE BORN PRECIOUS.

MAT
BEING ON THIS PAGE THE FEELING OF BEING USED PROBABLY IS VERY FAMILIAR TO YOU, IT WOULD BE FOR ME. I HEAR YOUR PAIN. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED THAT WAY. I ENCOURAGE YOU TO FIND YOUR SUPPORT ELSEWHERE. HERE IS ONE PLACE.
I'M TIRED AND I DON'T THINK I'M MAKING SENSE ANYMORE, SO I QUIT

[ September 03, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]

 

RJD,
Another one of your posts hit close to home. When I was starting to deal with my abuse I saw my wife as my mother not as a wife who has her own needs. We had all this stuff going on but I wasn;t there for her, I was so caught up in my own problems that I ignored her and wasn;t there and got to dealing with my problems by drinking and then sleeping around. We all have sex issues from the abuse. I saw my wife as a mother not as someone who wanted sex, love, nice things, I stopped seeing her as my lover and then slept around, that;s one of the reasons.

You said that you put your wife on a pedistal. I posted something yesterday saying that I kept saying my wife deserved better and my shrink asked me alot of questionis about that one day. He asked can;t she make up her own mind? She;s smart and tough and went to college, am I saying that she can;t make up her own mind? I finally had to admit that maybe she loved me and that;s why she was trying to stand by me til I made it too hard for her.

You;re right, if you put your wife on a pedistal then it;s like your saying you;re not good enough for her. That;s not for us to say but we forget that. Another problem is that we confuse sex and love and think that sex is love. I know I slept around and confused the two, but the only person I loved all along was my wife.

[ September 04, 2001: Message edited by: big bear ]