New to this forum - seking answers

New to this forum - seking answers
S

Smithy0297

New Registrant
I agree with some of the new members on this site that it is difficult to put such painful words out for people to view. I am a survivor of child SA and only realised this in July last year when my partner found that I had been accesing some sites with information out cottaging (acting out) places round where we live. I subsequently told her that I had been cottaging (acting out) with men since I was 16. I am now 35 and have been trying to heal and make sense of the 25 years of my life which has been dominated with self loathing and destructive behaviour. This behaviour still threatens my relationship to this day.

The details of my abuse I am sure are a familiar story, a so-called adult 'friend' who got his hands on me at age 10. I was in a family with little emotional nurturing from my parents and I presented an easy target to this man.

I have had a life since then dominated by fear and low self esteem. In teenage years I was so cripplingly shy in communicating with people it was a disability. I have been in a relationship 10 years now and am with a loving and wonderful woman. Her life has been torn apart by the revelations and she has had her trust in me completely battered but has still forgiven me for the betrayal of her trust.I have been to a number of counselling sessions which are helping considerably with my healing. I am happy as a heterosexual man and have managed to understand right from day one of disclosure that i am not gay. However I have remained rigid in my determination to heal on my own which means I have few outlets to discuss my thoughts. These are the first words I have written about my experience.

The pain of healing is difficult and it is only through the support of my partner, and counsellers that I am here now. Surviving from day to day was a nightmare only made sense by numbing or acting out behaviour, trying to gain control of my fear. Acting out was dangerous and I am thankful that the health of me or my partner was not compromised. However I still have guilt and shame about this.

I feel like going into more detail about my life but hopefully I'll become more of a regular. At this moment in time I need some help.

I am finding it difficult to channel my anger and rage and I feel that it is threatening all that I hold dear. As soon as me or my partner feel some form of happiness (an absent feeling in my life for many years) I seem to do something to wreck or destroy this happiness. It can be a cutting comment or some unpleasant behaviour which casts my partners doubts on whether I am a healthy person to be with. An example, I got badly drunk a month ago at her sisters. I promised hand on heart that I would never get drunk again as it upsets her so much. So last night I was drunk and conveniently forgot this hand on heart promise. A number of events has meant that this week could have been one of the happiest of our post disclosure period. Unfortunately it feels like we are staring into the abyss after a wretched couple of days. I still seem to be abusing her fragile, precious trust and hope that we can have a future.

My partner has had enough trying to reconcile herself that she has been with someone who deliberately lied to her whilst cottaging. And now she still has someone who lies and cannot fulfil his promises. We have our issues but I cannot get it out of my behaviour that I should want to wreck all that I have. Is it my low self esteem? That I don't deserve happiness, I'm not worth it so destroy it all. Destroy it all as I only deserve to be in that dark place.

I know I am a good person. I have trouble accepting that the acting out behaviour with other men and the lies to cover this up were something I did. That was all in some dark compartment I only went to when I could deal with the 'monster' inside me any more. I felt that someone else was in control and it was not my fault. How can you reconcile healing and integrate this hurt and abusive part of your history into your personality. It feels like something I want to push away and ignore.

It had been useful to put my life into compartments and only deal with people (work/family/friends/partner) in rigid states of mind. This was my way of dealing with life and I am now breaking down these compartments.

However, I am still have trouble thinking of myself as someone who can lie or make promises that I do not keep. It is almost as if I can blame it on someone else and not me. Oh that was the abused child wanting to wreck things, not me the healing person. The promises I have kept to are that I would not go back and repeat acting out behaviour and I am would commit to healing. Even when I feel bad I know that going back to acting out behaviour is like slamming your arm in a car door. Why would I want to do this? I am at least thankful that I have some basic self respect left not to keep on repeating what happened to me as a child. However my partners faith in my words is fading fast.

Healing is a big ask but this seems to be coming at the price of me neglecting my responsibilities as a loving partner who does not abuse the trust of my partner. I love her and she is my soulmate but I need to respect myself and her more. Some days though she is a reminder of what I did to myself and also the betrayal of that loving person.

Does anyone have similar experiences from their healing? I would like to thank you all for taking the time to read this post. I hope this has not been too difficult for those of you without partners and hope you can help me with any useful tips or hints from your own healing experiences. Peace be with you. Walk tall.
 
Smithy,

First of all, welcome to Male Survivor. We know how difficult it is for new guys, so just take your time. Get used to the place, and post as you feel comfortable.

Your first post raises a lot of issues and of course they can't be dealt with all at once. I would like to say, however, that everything you talk about is well known to us here. A lot of guys will be able to help you or comment no matter what you have to say. Sooner or later it all shows up here, and just rest assured that you won't be judged here.

In brief answer to the question you raise, yes, before we can heal we have to be honest with ourselves, respect ourselves, admit our issues to ourselves, and make a commitment to recovery. It takes a lot of work and may well be the most difficult thing you will ever do. But it will be worth it - you will get your life back.

Much love,
Larry
 
Smithy - Welcome and congratulations for making it to this site and for being honest with yourself and your partner.

I found that I couldn't regain my wife's trust until I was honest with myself. I consistently failed when relying on my self will to not do self damaging acts (drinking, porn, acting out, negative self talk, etc). I learned that I could not do it alone. I needed resources to help - Therapy, drug rehab, Alcoholics Anonymous, this site.

Time, resources and patience have helped me begin to heal. It doesn't come quickly. Some days are better and some are worse. I will forever be healing. But I can honestly say that only after taking these steps could I feel good about myself and begin to reestablish trust with my wife.

Hang in there. You can find the peace you are searching for.

Scott
 
The longest journey always begins with the first step. You've done that now. Congratulations.
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Be a little easier on yourself. Recognize and accept that you DO want to heal and move on to a healthier and happier life; you have found a lot of available resources here from your brotherhood of fellow survivors. Use us.
 
welcome and remember we are all here cause we were all victimized and need to heal you've found the right place
 
Smith,
Only today, I realised that my acting out was part of my sexualization by my abuser, so I am not really to blame, and neither are you.

So lets be easy of ourselves. Should we?

And if your wife reads what you have writtenn hear she would never doubt you again, just like us.

It is hard to keep promises when we dont value the person we made promises too - our self, as we start loving ourselves again our promise start mattering to us, automatically.

So lets start loving ourselves, should we?

Because once that happens we would automatically learn to nurture ourselves emotionally and there would be no need to act out, ever.
 
Thank you for your wonderful replies. I need to tell you acting out and the memories of child SA almost got me. I hope this means something to you but I would like to tell you about my disclosure to my partner, when my secret lost its power.

I never had the strength to tell my partner straight out although a few times I was close. Fear keeps this secret hidden and that is its strength. You fear that people will reject you and hate you for what you have done.

I think out of a cry for help I left some website address on this very pc for gay sites describing cottaging locations. We had moved to a new town and I hoped that I had left behind my old cottaging (acting out) location. Yet I could not get the urge out of my head. My partner found out what I had been looking at, called me, told me she had seen the webstie addresses and asked me if there was anything I wanted to talk about.

I could have lied but as the blood rushed and roared in my head a little voice said 'yes, we need to talk'. I had no energy left to keep the lies up. Keeping this is a secret is great burden and I'm sure you are aware it of the hold it can have if you have ever acted out. It was hard for me to admit it to my partner, and as I told her the cottaging went from just a few times in 10 years to the truth and how many times I had really been. Every inch of the way it fought to keep itself secret but I knew I needed to heal.

We did split up and I left home temporarily. I could have thrown myself into acting out full time, have that dark part of you become the whole of you. I chose not to ever go back to act out, that was my bottom line. And I have not since. In the early days I even went to see a gay counsellor because I thought thats what I must be if I went acting out. However I knew I was not and that the life I had with my partner was my real choice, what the sane part of me had chosen to build and what I really cherished.

It does leave a gap in your life, a big hole where something took so much energy and emotion to sustain. Taking the commitment to stop acting out means you have to heal and be prepared to take the full brunt of your fears and insecurities. If I could say anything to anyone wanting to break this vicious cycle it would be to go and tell someone. It does not have to be a partner or loved one, maybe a therapist or a counsellor. Get it out and see how you feel.

I felt afraid to be honest with my partner. After a lot of hard work and counselling we are back together but it takes a lot of time to rebuild trust. We are certainly not there yet. It is easy to walk away but much harder to stay and look the person in the face that you betrayed all these years. That hurts and you are all brave and wonderful individuals to go there and face your demons.

Take it one step at a time. Get this secret out, get it to lose its power and hold over you. Keep reminding yourself you can do it, life can be and does get better.
 
Smithy.

Welcome to MS.

it takes a lot of guts to post here for the firts time and well done for doing that you are well on your way to recovery. I noticed that you came from an emotionally dead family environment, me too and that was a direct link to my abuse.

Take your time here, there is no mad rush, you will get the answers that you are looking for and the support you will recieve her is genuine, empathetic and understanding, no one judges, they cant as we have all been there.

I only disclosed in 2000 and the diffrence this site has made to my life is beyond comparrison.

I also welcome you as a fellow Brit (I Love Yorkshire)unfortunately our numbers are risng on this board and I suspect they will continue to rise. But in saying that it goes to prove that MS is the best online resource there is.

Take it easy.

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
welcome. healing takes a long time. be patient with yourself. also, i believe to regain your wife's trust you must willingly and humbly submit to any form of scrutiny for years. re: alcohol, if you can't do a little, you may need to do none. blessings, kalimi
 
Welcome Smithy, I am new to this site as well. You are on the right path, MS is a great source of info. The guys here have a lot of insight into healing and having others to talk to will bring you hope.

I learned that my lost childhood innocense was something I had no control over, and I also learned that the loss was huge. In turn, I never wanted to lose that big again and I surrounded myself with things that I could secretly afford to lose. I also felt that I did not deserve anything of any value, again afraid of the loss. I had lost big when I lost myself that one night in the predator's house and I did not want to lose anything of value again. I kept my life in a state of perpetual loss by doing this. The day I realized that it was not my fault is the day I began seeing that I did deserve to jump back into this life and I did deserve the best life had to offer. It is hard to just say "It was not my fault" like everything will get better when you say it. The fact is it takes time and one day it just hits you like a lightning bolt, I was only 9 years old, how could it have been my fault and soon the true realization comes to light. It takes time and therapy.

Hang in there, we care about you, we are brothers.
 
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