New to the list

New to the list
B

Bill123

Registrant
Hi,

I have been reading messages here for a while and finally got up the nerve to post something. Although I am (for some reason) scared to post anything, I wanted to see if I could actually do it.

I am only now starting to investigate how my CSA has affected my life. It's amazing to think that things from 25 plus years ago are still affecting me. I still don't want to believe this is true. It makes me cry to type this paragraph.

I have seen nothing but caring and compassion from folks on this discussion board. It makes my heart feel good to know that there is a place like this. Thanks.

Bill
 
Bill, we're so glad to have you here. Every little bit we let out helps. We're here to listen and support you down this difficult road. The SA actually changed the ways our brains process information, so it affects us for a long time. Mine was also 25-30 years ago, but that doesn't lessen the impact on my life today. I react to things today in ways I wouldn't have if my family hadn't abused me.

You're in good company here. These are men who've been through terrible things. We understand what you're going through. Share as much as you can when you're ready. It's tough work, but it does get better.
 
Bill - Welcome to posting!! Glad you had a chance to look around and investigate. It does take courage to post here!! I remember the first time I posted and was nervous [Would anyone find out who I am?]. After a while, testing the waters and wanting to get more help and support,I tested some more!! My life has never been the same - that's for sure!! Post as you feel comfortable (push yourself at times when you're ready!) You are among brothers in the struggle!! You are not alone!! [I realize you probably hear that often BUT IT'S VERY TRUE!!].

Howard :)
 
Howard and ForeverFighting thanks for your encouraging replies.

I'm not sure if I even should be posting things here- I feel like what happened to me wasn't that bad. Maybe I'm in denial- I don't know. I can only remember one incident of SA from my childhood- an incident which I have always known about- not like a recovered memory or something- just something that I don't ever talk about. I wonder if there are things that I don't remember- things I don't want to remember. I can't remember many details of my childhood- it wasn't a particularly happy childhood. Why can't I remember any more details? Maybe it's just because it was 25 years ago- I can't remember things from 5 years ago- why should I be able to remember things from 25 years ago? I told myself a million times that what happened to me as a child didn't affect me- I'm fine. I still would like to believe that, but I guess it is not entirely true. Today, I know that I am pretty shy and not very self confident. I am pretty uncomfortable with people touching me and hug giving and receiving. This is very unnatural and uncomfortable for me. I generally do not trust anyone. I have trouble talking intimately with my wife. I feel like I should trust her after 10 years of marriage- she is the simply the nicest, kindest person I have ever met- still, I am afraid to share things with her. Our sex life is not good. Sex and talking about sex makes me very uncomfortable. I have read a few books and started to investgate this, but I just do not know if these things are due to CSA or not. It seems like something worse must have happened to make me like I am or maybe there are other reasons that I am the way I am besides CSA. I guess I'm still trying to sort it all out.

Bill
 
Bill
Welcome to our home where we learn what Healing And Recovery is about. I think that you found the right place to grow towards a better life.
It seems like something worse must have happened to make me like I am
Click to expand...
Bill there is not much worse than child sexual abuse. Tom
 
:) Bill,

I'm glad to see that you've found this forum.

Please don't feel bad about posting here. I hear myself a month or so ago, before I started posting here, wondering if I even qualified as a survivor of abuse, 'cause I knew of so much worse than what happened to me.

I finally got the courage to admit this to one of my therapists. It was so scary. I thought he'd laugh at me, like, "you expect me to believe you were hurt by THAT?" But I was dead wrong. He simply gave me a compassionate look and said, does it have to have been a big deal or not in order for it to have hurt you greatly? And if it hurt you greatly, isn't that a big deal?

It was a week later that I got the guts together to start posting here. I haven't seen that guy again (It was a court-ordered assessment), but I'm going to be grateful to him for a long time. Giving myself permission to admit that I was hurt was the first step to being honest about how I need to deal with it and how to be a victorious survivor.

Which, I guess, is my typically overly verbose way of saying; you belong here. Don't ever doubt it, and don't think that any of us worry about how bad your SA was, or wasn't. It's about surviving, man, and it sounds like you're working hard at it!

Keep on keeping on.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top