new to here... new to all this .. glad im here

[deaf drew]

Hello to all:

My name is Drew. I am 24 and live on Ontario Canada. I started to come here maybe 1 month ago something like that and I wanted to say thank you to those i have chatted with - or even not chatted just watched read and learned from.

I was reading posts. I am amazed how open people are about all this. more i am amaze and relief that im not only one feels how i do - confused scared uncertain all that.

Of all things im uncertain about my sexuality is not one. i am gay. im not ashamed about that. i was sexually abuse by my father when i was 8 - 10. he hurt my brother same way. my father was his step father that made some important difference im sure because abuse was much worse to my brother then to me. for him lasted more years and my father hurt him more. hit him etc. no need to explain all that.

why i am writing all this? because i need to. i hope im writing in proper place. if not im sorry and please i mean offence to no one.

i have always remember what happen to my brother and me. but i never give much thought to it for years. now im older. i want relationships and someone to be with in my life. and now.. in looking for that i find past is something following me and i cant put it out of my head anymore.

what am i looking for here? for same thing i think so many others here looking for. how to have relationship with someone and not be afraid. i want to be held and to hold someone and look into his face and see him - not my father. reading posts here and from what i experience from chatting here i think maybe some people have some answers to help. i know i wont forget what happen. im not expecting that. i just want to go back to feel like real person again not someone who is full of fear over nothing.

i hope this post makes sense to you all. you can see by my name and yes its ok to ask i am deaf. i prefer sign to english but is hard to post that way! also after reading here for past hour or so. i admit i am full of so much emotion. i am take advantage of computer world and laying it out for everyone. im tired of holding inside and pretending im ok. so here i am. someone posted about being tired of living in silence. i feel like that. not silence like Deaf silence. silence like hiding silence. i dont want to hide anymore any of this. i just want it over. i just want to be like everyone else to go out with someone i care about and be ok and let them be ok with me and not act like some crazy freak and panic scare them away so they think im nuts when some is only trying to be close to me in ways that i want to.

enough said. to much maybe. i dont know. but is done.

to those of you i have chat with before - thanks. is your support i am even here writing this. admiting any of it. im looking forward i think to chatting more someone with people who can understand and i can learn from.

be safe and well all of you

Drew
aka deaf_drew

 

[dwf]

Welcome, Drew.

You are in exactly the right place. What you wrote about is exactly what this place is for.

I am so sorry to hear about what your father did to you and your brother. It is so very sad to know how badly we are hurt by those who are supposed to be our protectors and guardians.

This is a place to come to share pain and also to share the relief of recovery from the ongoing effects of the abuse we all suffered.

Please feel free to come and post here and in the other forums. Don't worry about making mistakes or writing too much or the wrong thing.

It is what we are forced to keep secret that continues to harm us; we are set free by speaking those secrets out loud in a place where we can be understood. That's what this place has been to me.

I hope you will the relief and support here that I and many others have discovered.

There are links to lots of resources here. Check out the links above. Under professionals, there are links to many excellent articles that help lead to better understanding.

And of course the discussion board is here for us to use to open up, share our experience, strength and hope. Eventually many of us discover the great joy in being a part of helping other men out of the lonely place of silence and hiding.

You have helped me today by coming here. You are a very courageous man, I'm glad you're here.

Looking forward to hearing more from you,

Regards,

 

[Ivo]

Hi Drew,
I'm sad that you had need to come to this site.
I hate that this happened to you and your brother but I am glad that you find us.

It is so incredibly hard to deal with the emotions after the SA. I also have to learn many things from the very beginning. Especially in relation to the relationships and openness to give and accept love from other people.

Guys from this site are incredible bunch of people indeed, they are always ready to help and give advice.

Take care,
Ivo

 

[Mike Church]

Hi Drew. A fellow Canuck here. Drew it is good that you are actually starting to deal with your abuse. If you would like to send me a PM and indicate what part of the Province you are from or close to I maybe can help you find a safe place to go to for therapy.

Remeber it was never your fault and you being gay had nothing to do with it. There is no shame attached to you or guilt.

Welcome to a safe place to know you are not alone and take the road we are all on.

 

[Kenn]

Hello Drew,

As so often happens here your post brought tears to my eyes - tears of recognition, of empathy.

You are very brave to be looking at this issue now. I am 45 and have been dealing with it, off and on, for fifteen years but never as well-supported as since I came here.

Being gay complicates our feelings towards men, particularly when men abused us. I know. I am gay also.

Welcome from another Canadian!

Kenn

 

[une.vie.d.espoir]

Hi Drew,

If you need a ear, if you need a smile, if you need compassion you are at the right place.

Thanks to be whit us,

Jean-Pierre