new to all of this...

[raysgail]

I jumped in and read some postings of awhile ago, and felt like I'd just walked into a party already in progress. So I will begin a new thread, if you don't mind, and reach out to you all to help me make some sense of this.
My husband of 2 1/2 years became aware of his abuse while we were on our honeymoon, on a cruise ship, sailing across the Caribbean Sea. His memories were supressed, and there as we sailed along, he remembered. He continues to remember, more and more. It's such a frightening experience for the both of us as he recounts an incident. So horrendous and frightful, the memory comes alive to him and I at the same time understand that in the end, he survived, for he is right here beside me. We tried counseling for a while, and the counselor varified that repressed memories are crystal clear as they resurface. She taught us some techniques to understanding and dealing with these memories, to try to heal by reexperiencing and allowing him to respond to the emotions that he was forced to suppress at the time. But there are so so so many incidents... His first honest recollection must have occurred before he was 2 years old.
I want to place blame. I want him to be vindicated and understood. I want answers as to how this could happen to his mother's baby, her son, her growing boy until he was old enough to fight back and make it difficult for all involved. It is his secret, our secret. The effects are deep, severe, life altering. He guards it defensively. I understand his fears, but I have a sense that the guard keeps him from healing.
And I am afraid that if he doesn't begin to heal, he'll cave in from the weight of it all.

 

[Lloydy]

raysgail

I want him to be vindicated and understood. I want answers as to how this could happen to his mother's baby, her son, her growing boy until he was old enough to fight back and make it difficult for all involved. It is his secret, our secret. The effects are deep, severe, life altering. He guards it defensively. I understand his fears, but I have a sense that the guard keeps him from healing.
And I am afraid that if he doesn't begin to heal, he'll cave in from the weight of it all.

It's the first line that's most important "I want him to be vindicated and understood." that's exactly what HE needs as well.

Forgive me for being a bit 'critical' here, but he has to be the focus, Yes, I can understand your anger and the need for answers as to "why", and I can understand you saying that the secret is both his and yours, it does affect you both very deeply and you have every right to want to help both of you, which indeed you are.

But our recovery is something that seems at one pace - our pace. I have yet to meet or hear of any survivor that responded to being pushed, even gently and with the best of intentions. We want, and need, people to work with us, alongside us. Supporters can be behind us and support us, or in front of us and lead us, but if they venture into pushing us or dragging us we seem to turn off and retreat.

Sexual abuse is more the abuse of power than a purely sexual urge, sex was the chosen method of displaying their power and control over us, so we react against it when we're doing something so closely tied up with the original abuse.
Perhaps that's why his guard is up ?

I might have read your post and gained the wrong impression, if I have then I apologise up front.

Dave

 

[sophiesdad]

raysgail:
I wanted to PM you with information that I don't feel comfortable posting in a public forum, but you don't have that option enabled in your profile. I can offer some information and experience for you having been married 21 years and only becoming aware of SA only 13 years ago. If you feel comfortable with a PM, please send one to me and I'll be happy to respond with any questions you have that may help as well as some observations.

Sophiesdad

 

[raysgail]

Sexual abuse is more the abuse of power than a purely sexual urge, sex was the chosen method of displaying their power and control over us, so we react against it when we're doing something so closely tied up with the original abuse.
Perhaps that's why his guard is up ?


I understand your point; no offense taken. There were alot of "I" statements there. I don't believe I'm pressuring or overpowering him in any way in this regard, simply writing within the "Family and Friends" realm of my own struggles.

We live and regularly interact with his family, and it was a close family member, long dead and gone, who abused him. The rest of the family love to recount what a wonderful guy this person was, and what a horrible child and teen my husband was, how he grayed his father's hair with his behavior. That covers my need for vindication.

I wish I could pinpoint what I hoped for coming to this sight. Healing, number 1. I know he won't ever forget, but a way to lessen nightmare and flashbacks. Mostly I want to help him with the shame he feels. I read books, search articles for things I can do to encourage and reassure him that his behavior, who he is, is not a shameful person but instead a loving, thoughtful, tender person who had horrible things happen to him. I say it, just that way, as often as I can. And I will continue. What things might reach him?
Thanks ~ Gail

 

[SAR]

Welcome to MS, Gail.

It's very true, Family and Friends do have their own angry feelings and need a way to vent them-- which is hard sometimes because the survivor's not generally able to bear that burden of "our" bad feelings, and if he's choosing not to disclose to others, where can you go with that anger?

Most of my anger at my boyfriend's abusers and family of origin go right into the keyboard... a lot of it ended up here, this is a safe place to vent.

Especially if you have to be around his family all the time! and listen to judgmental stuff about the man you love... vent away! Start a thread just for that if you want!

For me, and for my boyfriend, it's been true that living well is the best revenge. As he heals and our life together improves the better I feel... it's not vindicated so much as satisfied.

I read books, search articles for things I can do to encourage and reassure him that his behavior, who he is, is not a shameful person but instead a loving, thoughtful, tender person who had horrible things happen to him. I say it, just that way, as often as I can. And I will continue. What things might reach him?

Your boyfriend might respond better to real-life proof than to books or your words. Instead of emphasizing qualities, you could try emphasizing the specific actions that demonstrate the qualities. Those are a little harder for him to discount right away.

SAR