New therapist can't keep appointments

[NoSimpleMachine]

I just started last week with a new therapist after moving back to California in August. We made the appointment over the phone and when I showed up (she practices out of an office in the back of her home), she wasn't expecting me as she had put me down in the wrong week in her appointment calendar, but accommodated me and we had a good appointment. She's older and a little hard of hearing but otherwise seems like a good person to work with, with a career history of dealing with sexual abuse and PTSD and family relationships, and I found myself quite helped by what she had to say. We made an appointment for the following week, the same date and time, and I watched her put it into her iPhone correctly and with my name attached and all that.

This morning I went for that second appointment and she just wasn't there at all. Her elderly husband said something about her dealing with the car and she wasn't there and wouldn't be back. I was supremely annoyed. The first appointment she wasn't expecting me because her error in inputting the appointment, the second appointment she wasn't there at all despite clearing putting the appointment in at the right time. Both times I walked up to her door at 10 AM sharp.

This T is literally a pleasant 10 minute walk around the corner from where I live and she seems like she can really help me. But can I, and do I, accept working with someone who has already proven so unreliable? I'm inclined to contact another therapy place I talked with awhile ago and just work with them instead but perhaps I'm being too rash.

 

[C. E.]

It sounds like the positives - someone with good experience and someone you have established a good dialogue with - are being offset by a negative. Have you spoken with her about this?

I would engage her in a frank discussion about your frustrations. Baseball has it right - three strikes. She's had two. Might be worth one more solid, honest pitch. She might knock it out of the park. But if she misses again, she's out.

 

[NoSimpleMachine]

She called and apologized, we rescheduled for tomorrow afternoon. What I'm not very happy about is her saying "I must not have made the appointment in my phone" when I so, so clearly watched her put the appointment in her phone with my name attached for this morning at 10 AM and confirm it. Really doesn't give me much confidence.

Three strikes is fair, I'm still quite irritated.

 

[C. E.]

You mentioned that she was older. She would have remembered you being there while she put the appointment in her phone. So saying she must have forgotten to put the appointment in her phone would strike me as not being a story she'd make up. This hits home with me. That is precisely how my mom is right now, and she has been diagnosed with progressive dementia (Alzheimer's). You can talk about something with her in the morning and she sounds very coherent and on top of it. Then in the afternoon she brings the topic up again as if it were never discussed. I hope that is not the case with your T. It is a devastating and cruel disease, and if that is the case, my heart goes out to her. While you may need to make a decision, the fact is that if it is a dementia, this will test your grace. She may be just trying her best...

 

[Jude]

What I'm not very happy about is her saying "I must not have made the appointment in my phone" when I so, so clearly watched her put the appointment in her phone....Three strikes is fair, I'm still quite irritated.

NSM,
My take is that either that she failed to look at that day's appointments in her phone calendar, or possibly deleted the entry by accident. Older folks are not as tech savvy as young people are, and I don't think its unusual for a person of her age to be somewhat befuddled by her phone. Or it may be that she is suffering memory lapses as Eric suggested. I agree that its fair to give her the opportunity to explain herself. But if the explanation doesn't satisfy you in some way, I think you should feel free to go elsewhere. If its clear she can't meet your needs, don't waste your precious time with her.

Be well,

Jude

 

[don64]

Hi NSM. This is not about her, this about you. Do you really want to make room in your life for people you can't depend on. I don't care how nice someone is, if I can't count on them I don't make space for them. Don

 

[KMCINVA]

I think you should evaluate the therapist. It is important to have someone you can rely upon. It would seem she may be a good therapist but it is essential she is responsive to your needs and is committed to meeting with you. One miss I can understand but the second would give me concern. You are blocking time out to heal and if the person who is suppose to help you on this journey can not show, your path to healing could be prolonged.

Just my thoughts. You have to go with what you believe is right for you.

Kevin

 

[NoSimpleMachine]

Thank you all. Many of these thoughts have crossed my mind, in one way or another.

I don't like being stood up because I'm used to having people close to me be unavailable and having my therapist literally not be there is really upsetting. Now I'm together enough that I can realize that and calm myself down, but as I was thinking, why do I have to play the role of the bigger person in my relationship with my therapist like that? If there's any relationship where I should be able to be small, to be weak, to be vulnerable and bring those parts of myself to bear, it should be with my therapist. I'm paying this person to be the bigger person, in a way.

I've also had the thought that I genuinely think she can help me a lot; the things we talked about our first appointment was a lot of good stuff. But she can't help me if she can't make or keep appointments, those are the basics of the basics. I intend to let her know that.

Another thing that came up when I went in yesterday morning, there was a recycling bin out on her front porch and it was loaded with empty liquor and wine bottles. I'm thinking, I'm dealing with my relationship with an alcoholic mother, am I getting advice from someone who is herself a heavier drinker, or lives with a heavier drinker? I'm inclined to ask point blank, in truth, because I'm not sure I can trust advice about how to emotionally deal with someone who drinks if I'm receiving it from someone who is potentially not being completely honest with themselves about their own habits or the habits of a loved one.

As for dementia or alzheimer's or something like that, that's tricky. I also don't want to deal with someone who has that, because that seems like a situation where I'm filling in too many gaps for a professional. I have no idea if I should ask about it out of respect, or if she'd even have an answer. Maybe that one's best to just get a read on over time?

 

[cant_remember]

NSM,

My advice is find a new therapist. Just too many warning signs. And the last thing you want is to get to some raw, deep place in therapy and have her flake on you, and then you get triggered because of the trauma interacting with her issues.

Being walking distance to a therapist is a nice perk, but find another one. Just not worth it.

Cant

 

[Jude]

Another thing that came up when I went in yesterday morning, there was a recycling bin out on her front porch and it was loaded with empty liquor and wine bottles.

WHOA!! RED FLAG!!! This is a Game Changer. Not reliable + Evidence of Heavy Alcohol Use = Get a new Therapist

 

[NoSimpleMachine]

Had her this afternoon, she apologized a lot about missing the appointment. I didn't end up asking about the liquor (for all I know, that was stuff that had been building up for a long time, or they just had a bunch of people over or something. Who knows). In any case, I don't think I'll be going back to her. She repeated a bunch of stuff in her second appointment that we already went over in the first; she also kept doing things that was "close your eyes and imagine *some ideal scenario where something perfect happens*, what does it look like?" And I get that that's a decent tool to use, but it's like...80% of what she does. She also has that way of striking sour notes while trying to help me get into a positive space, and it's like...this isn't going to be a great relationship.

Not to take away from her her better points and concepts, but yeah, she couldn't really come up with a great explanation about her absence and I'm not really jibing with her super well so I think I can go elsewhere. Thanks for the input everyone.

 

[traveler]

NSM -

sounds like a good decision to me.
and it sounds like you are starting to tune into and value your own instincts - which is good.
i think many CSA survivors doubt or distrust or second-guess their gut reactions because they got burned in the past and therefore think that they are not reliable.
developing a healthier sensitivity to something that just doesn't feel right is a positive thing.
and being able to act upon it and follow through makes you less of a compliant, submissive victim of others' manipulation - even when the situation may be relatively benign.
best of luck in finding a better match in a T.

well done!
Lee