New stuff for us -any wisdom?

New stuff for us -any wisdom?
S

shell

Registrant
just wondered if anyone has any wisdom to offer....
My husband has recently told his mum and step father about his abuse. He was infact abused by his step brother but the family have pretty much disowned him(my husband) and his stepdad has out and out called him a liar!

I have known about the abuse for a long time and have always found relations dificult with his family, feeling like they have let him down and neglected him. They bully him and treat him like the runt of the family and he finds it hard to stick up for himself with them. As a result he has developed all kinds of behaviours to cope with life and obviously these frequently overspill into our relationship. I really want to be able to be supportive but am suddenly finding it much harder and more overwhelming than I thought i would.

My own life has not been abuse free (in several forms) and although I have really worked hard to move on myself I am finding it hard to define the acceptable boundries between his recovery behaviours and feelings and his abuse(with a small 'a') of me. There are no sexual abuse issues between us as sex is a rare and strained thing, but at times I do feel bullied and like my life has been directed by his fears and insecurities. As I write this I feel enormously guilty as I know how much support he needs but I am struggling to know what is best. Many of his present behaviours feel like triggers to me and I am caught between protecting myself and being there for him. Any wisdom from personal experiences would be really appreciated-thankyou so much for your time and thought in advance......
 
Shell

I am on a journey with this and certaintly havn't come arrived at conclusions yet just current thinking, but if it helps to share I'm happy to do so! My partners "acting out" involved being unfaithful, unsafe sex and other dangerous and potentially lifethreatening activities. I also have my own issues from my family background.

I think I'm arriving at a position where the deal is thius: if he continues to committ to healing, ie; taking control of his life in terms of healthy diet, no alcohol abuse, continuing with therapy, reading survivor books etc etc.. then we can have a relationship. Its also part of the deal that he doesn't have sexual relations with anyone else, however he hid this from me for nine years and I'm not there yet in terms of trusting it not to/spotting it happening again.

If he slides back into old habits and gives up on the healing process I think I owe it to myself to get out of the relationship and make sure my own life is as healthy as I can make it.

I think I sort of see my relationship with him as part of my own efforts to be healthy. At the moment I am inspired by him (along with a whole host of other emotions) and he adds in a positive way to my life. If that balance shifts beyond the odd woble I am determined to find the strength to leave.
Hope this is helpful, I'm not really able to give advise only tell you my own experiences.

Good luck and lots of love

Tracy
 
I think both of you have made the right decisions - about yourselves. You have to look after the most important person in your life - "you"

We survivors that are fortunate enough to have such great support from partners or family and good friends thrive on your support.
But I know from my own experience that I often forgot to thank my wife for it, and sometimes I pushed the boundaries a bit too much as well.

I acted out, unsafely and all the rest of it, and eventually it came out to my wife.
We did some serious talking about that as you can imagine, and clear boundaries were AGREED between us.
It's the one boundary I haven't pushed, and it's the one that the consequences of breaking it are the clearest - "I move out!"

I suppose there's a chance that faced with this prospect I could just make sure I wasn't found out and carry on acting out. I know I can lie about it, I did it before. So why don't I just do that?

Because between us we have created a safe and trusting place for me to deal with any thoughts about acting out. When I get those feelings I know that I can tell my wife and be understood.
Which makes all the difference for me on the rare occassions it happens now. If I wasn't understood, or at least there was little effort to understand what I was experiencing, then I wouldn't say anything the next time. And the risk of acting out would greatly increase because the initial feeling would be allowed to grow, for me it's the only time to act because I can remember only too well the way I would build up to acting out. Often over days or even weeks.
I don't think it could happen again after the therapy and work I've done, but I just can't take that chance.

Dave
 
Dave thanks for that,

Its something we've talked aout, ie; him teling me if he feels the urge but it seems so lame to me at this point. I have difficulty understanding the importance of my listening and understanding when what is pulling him in the other direction is the most awful violation of a human being and an incredibaly powerful mechanism for coping with the feelings he's left with. He calls some of his most dangerous acting out "the crack cocaine of withdrawal".
I feel a sense of inadequecy in being powerful enough to pull him back, if that makes sense.

Its good to hear you say how importnat/helpful this is to you. I'll definatly revist this with my partner. If you have any practical advise about how to create the feelings of safety etc.. I'd be gratful. My feeling is I'm going to have to listen very carefully to what he needs with this. He hasn't yet forgiven himself which makes it a bit more complicated I think. He is still full of shame (working on this with his therapist) and I guess that is an important step.

I'm so glad I found this site. He's not ready to use it, maybe he never will be, I guess we all have our different coping mechanisms.
Just to say reading some of the mens stories here has been truly inspirational to me. I gotta tell you finding out something like that about your loved one is one heck of a shock and finding out the poor sod has travelled a well worn path has been key to me even trying to understand and not throwing in the towel 2-3 months ago.

Thanks to you all for your honesty

Lots of love

Tracy
 
Hi Shell,

First Welcome to what I have found to be the best site for support. So much knowledge and experience and true caring here. I hope that you feel comfortable to come and post anytime.

You have found a site on the web that has been at times a true "life saver" for me. Not only with the information so Bravely shared here, but with the true emotional connections and finally a place where "Others" truly understand.

I'm not sure I have exactly "wisdoms" to offer, but I can share some experiences. Perhaps from those and my oft "opinion only" it can help so that you no longer feel alone in your journey.

The loneliness of the journey is a feeling for me that has been eased by this site and by seeking individual counseling also. Hubby & I are potentially going to be in marriage counseling after this particular journey in my life began about 4 yrs ago. Hubby & I have been married 19 yrs.

Shell - your husband's family reaction to his disclosure surely is very painful. Disclosure is such a risky event in any situation. I do hope he is seeking individual counseling and or a support group beyond your support also.

My hubby's experience when he disclosed was very mixed amongst his family members. My hubby's sisters prefer to ignore & avoid any type of even slight discussion of abuse/s. He is a bit lucky in the fact that his father has been very supportive and loving of him. The sad part of his father's support is that his own father has been accused of SA of some of his step daugh's & enough fact/s & suspicion my hubby cautioned and refused to allow our own daughs to be left alone with his father. His mother before her recent death berated him with questions of WHY he did not disclose earlier etc.

Your 2nd paragraph could be a complete exact copy of my hubby's family also. Except if he was not being "bullied" (a great description, thank you for words i myself could not find to describe my own hubby's situation also) - when my Hubby was not being "bullied" to his face, behind his back they Praised him as a "God on a Pedestal", with the inclusion I was unworthy of him. Occassionally that last behavior was even directed to our faces.

My own life has not been abuse free (in several forms) and although I have really worked hard to move on myself I am finding it hard to define the acceptable boundries between his recovery behaviours and feelings and his abuse(with a small 'a') of me. There are no sexual abuse issues between us as sex is a rare and strained thing, but at times I do feel bullied and like my life has been directed by his fears and insecurities. As I write this I feel enormously guilty as I know how much support he needs but I am struggling to know what is best. Many of his present behaviours feel like triggers to me and I am caught between protecting myself and being there for him.
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I too have my own abuse issues. Being and living with a survivor is a very difficult and more oft than not a roller coaster ride from the pits of hell. I do hope that you are seeking your own individual counseling and or support group. YOU are important to YOU, in as much as you are important to him. I can only echo what many have shared with me as first advice. ONLY HE can heal himself. With the journey you must take care of YOU, and make yourself as important as he is.

Perhaps couples counseling or talking with your own therapist / counselor can help you define your boundaries. I have found for myself that I have lost myself over and over again.

Embarrassing as it is to admit, I thought I had my own abuse issues managed well & outside support in place when my hubby acted out & eventually exposing his history. I had & still believe this part for myself tho' - that my abuse issues and how I survive & thrive will morph forever thru out my life due to natural aging processes & new triggers etc. I know that my Hubby's issues came front and forward at the initial exposure, however now approx 4 yrs later we are so comingled still the prospect of potential marriage counseling frightens the hell out of me.

Your words of feeling bullied by his fears and insecurities - WOW!! I am only just now beginning to feel "bullied" with my own hubby's changes in behaviors & communication. I never hit on the "feeling" until I read your post. Perhaps asking yourself or writing on a piece of paper exactly HOW you feel your life has been directed by his fears etc. could help you?

In my own experience I know now looking back over 19 yrs of marriage my own life was indeed directed by my Hubbys sex addiction etc. I am in process of trying to protect myself against that now, repeating itself and finding ME amongst the "US".

I am a bit concerned that you post there are no sexual abuse issues between you, as sex is rare and strained. Perhaps you could reconsider this portion as an extension of the abuse. I know for my own experience/s. My abuse issues & my hubbys abuse issues DO impact our sex life or lack of it rather. I dont believe it is "intentional inflicted" behaviors. However, BECAUSE of our experiences & how they made/ make us feel internal dialogue about ourselves it DOES effect our sex life, yet I place the blame if that is what it is "blame" upon our ABUSERS, ... not souly upon him or ME.

I can only encourage you to NOT feel guilty about how much YOU can or cannot give. For the 1st time for me I have seen the actual words I have not spoken -- many of his behaviors " TRIGGER ME" and feeling caught between protecting yourself and being there for him.

YES SHELL!! ME TOO!! I have to RE Echo the wise words so often repeated on here. YOU must take care of YOU. Yes, he may need you, however IF you are not taking good care of YOU then it is easy to lose yourself in his healing. THEN it becomes about saving him, and not keeping good care of you.

Many yrs ago I read a short story that had an analogy that described what I find very useful, and oft forget for even my own self in many our our struggles now. It goes as follows:

Our inner spirit & strengths are much like an old hand water pump. The kind where the water pump will give us a cup or 2 of priming water. If we put the priming cups back into the water pump, we receive endless flow of water. However IF we do not Prime the Pump, all we get in return is the first one or two cups of water, forcing the well to be temporarily dry until another comes along with a cup or two of priming water.

You're ENTITLED to be cared for, and Primed so that you can "give" endlessly when needed. Seeking therapy and counseling and support has been that Two Cups of Priming for me for many years.

Please take good care of YOU, try not to feel guilty about your own needs. YOU matter, not only to your partner, but to yourself and others who love you also.

May much Peace find you,
Sammy
 
"the crack cocaine of withdrawal".
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That I understand.

I'm not able to be araound much for a few days, but I'd like to get back to this discussion

Dave
 
TRACYUK,

a WELCOME to you also! I read your response to Shell and have been so moved in such a positive way! THank you for being so KIND!!

I found this so awe inspiring for my own self as much of your partners acting out is exactly as my own acted out also:

I think I'm arriving at a position where the deal is thius: if he continues to committ to healing, ie; taking control of his life in terms of healthy diet, no alcohol abuse, continuing with therapy, reading survivor books etc etc.. then we can have a relationship. Its also part of the deal that he doesn't have sexual relations with anyone else, however he hid this from me for nine years and I'm not there yet in terms of trusting it not to/spotting it happening again.

If he slides back into old habits and gives up on the healing process I think I owe it to myself to get out of the relationship and make sure my own life is as healthy as I can make it.
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I get frazzled at times if I concentrate on my internal dialogue of "if I can spot him acting out" - he may just have learned to hide it better this time. I work very hard to NOT let that internal talk start, because it is self defeating for me. I can and have only 2 things I can hang on to at this time.

1)He is sober with his sex addiction
2) I must trust he is not lying to me

I say #2 because with his sex addiction as with any addiction (in my opinion) only HE knows for sure IF he is sober and NOT lying.

I had to begin somewhere, so I have chosen to start there because he not only has changed behaviors common to his acting out. BUT verbally I have witnessed in communication to validate this & has expressed changes in how his sobriety feels for him & his "drivers" for his sobriety not only with sex addiction but also about his lying.

I myself have chosen not to impose any requirements as to attendance to therapy or group. My own reasoning be is that HE must be in complete control of his own healing. I cannot do that FOR him, nor do I know what is best for him at the time. HoWEVER IF he were to become abusive (& yes i struggle with this line or description personally) that would be a deal breaker for us.

In my own personal experience of dealing my own abuse issues I would have totally revolted and only acted out worse IF my hubby had placed any sorts of "conditions" on my healing that even hinted at a sense of someone else having control (in my mind).

I do agree and my Hubby also knows that IF he should EVER act out again thru infidelity the relationship we have would end immediately. Also IF there was ANY type of PHYSICAL violence or threat to me.

My hubby & I did have ONE rule placed IMMEDIATELY at disclosure to me that IF he threatened or attempted or I felt & had serious belief that he would attempt to harm himself I had a right and responsibility to have him hospitalized.

that last "rule" had applied to my own self and still does to this day.

I do agree with you also that at times I am so inspired by my Hubby and it is the most awesome amazing experience to not only see change, but FEEL it and be WITNESS to change. I can only liken it to childbirth for me.

While there is some pain during labor, somehow magically it disappears when the "real" Hubby I have always seen, talked to, built a life with emerges and comes out into the light.

and yes sometimes I DO need a Sitz bath after a big change happens!!

Welcome again and I do hope you also continue to come and share as you feel comfortable.

May Peace fill Us All,
Sammy
 
Sammy your words have made me think very hard.

I've been trying so hard to not exert cotrol over him as I am realising how counter productive that would be. Its funny (not ha ha) because I also said to him that I wanted him to educate himself about "safe sex" as I felt his understanding was very poor.
I felt entitled to ask for this as his acting out could potentially have the most profound efect on my own sexual and general health.

He objected to this and was clear that he wouldn't "pander to what I wanted/needed as his focus was / is his own healing and he couldn't/wouldn't worry about my needs in terms of his healing".

Thus I feel left in a dilemma. Do I trust him totally at the potential expense of my own health?
If I dont trust him (and putting conditions in place would indicate that I have problems trusting him), then why on earth would I stay with a man who may injure me in this way???

I love him and can see profound changes in him (for the better) he looks younger, he is "still" for the first time since I've known him, he sleeps!!, he listens to me intently when I am talking and he hugs and kisses me in a way he hasn't since I met him. (He says the kissing is the hardest thing, harder than sex, because it felt so intimate and he was overwhelmed with feelings of protecting me by not kissing me"

So, to your words sammy, you've made me realise that I am still trying to control him, with my conditions.

I know this is counterproductive but it seems the stakes are so high. HOW TRUE when you say HE is the only one who knows if he is "sober" or not no matter what conditions are in place.

In all aspects he is kind, gentle and supportive to me. so the only abuse (and yes I do FEEL abused, can't conclude if I am or not) is of my trust and of my health.
So my bottom line is: no infidelity. and I'll never know if he is or isn't NO MATTER what conditions I impose and I'l potentially incease all likelyhood by demanding these things.

Sammy you've made me realise this.

I will revaluate.

I'll have to because at the moment I'm stuck.

The things I'll think about more are Dave's experience of creating a safe environment with his other half to discuss feelings of acting out, also I'm wondering if there is any milage in me asking that if his other behaviours change, then that triggers some serious conversations between us. I'm worried that will put a lot of pressure on him tho'.


Its the trusting him not to be unfaithful that I'm REALLY struggling with. Just one wobble for him and in terms of sexually transmitted diseases that could be both of us infected with HIV, herpes, hep A/B etc..

I could insist on us always using condoms but that seems a very tangible way of saying to him, "I don't trust you" every time we have sex, sex not being easy at the best of times. How important is it for survivors of CSA to feel trusted????

Any suggestions truly welcome and Sammy thankyou so much for posting re; this. Its a huge relief to be able to "talk" about this. Although we have 3 therapists in our lives theres not one of them knows the full story and I cannot think of one person I know who I could expect to understand where I am at at the moment. Friends would listen but they'd be horrified and I wouldn't blame them. I was until I started to understand more about all this and that is so time consuming.

Thanks again and I leave with this question. For a male CSA survivor who is hugely guilty and shameful about his unfaithfulness/lies, and is struggling with feelings of wanting to protect a partner from himself (that really gets in the way of intimacy on all levels), how important is it for him to feel trusted? How do you manage trust issues when the stakes are high"

Thanks and lots of love

Tracy
 
wow
thanks everyone
its a real relief to have so many people in one place with similar experiences that can be drawn on.

We have been going through all of this alone for so long as neither of us have supportive family or to put it another way both of us have abusive families. We have two kids under five and are doing our best to break the cycles of our own lives but have struggled with such basics that it never occured to us that what was happening to our relationship was the result of the damage caused. We blamed it all on lack of knowledge/family/experience/etc etc but not the SA. I suppose in short we have blamed ourselves for our struggles.

My partner has started some counselling and is finding it really helpful and eye opening. I am also getting to the point where I can see that I could probably do with some too! It has been helpful to us both to read of many people being really pro active in their approach to becoming healthy people and developing tools to deal with it all.

The difficulty we are having at this early stage is looking at my husbands past and the patterns and habits that need to be challenged and/or broken there but also our own relationship and the 11 years of messiness that we have grown for ourselves!

I think we have also been in a bit of denial each, about us both having abuse issues-almost as if we have thought well one of us has to be alright-no couple can be that unlucky! In looking on this site I thought we just can't be the only relationship struggling with stuff on both sides, is there even a possibility that you can attract someone with similar issues?

I will try to take the advice here about looking after you, I can see that makes complete sense (however not easy)and will in turn help my husband anyway.

We seem to have been in an eternal battle for love,security, trust, affection etc. from each other, desperately trying to fill bloody great big holes from our childhoods and getting nowhere. What is happening now is very scary but it feels real and I can see the horizon. Before we couldnt even believe there was a horizon.

thanks to all of you for your supportive comments
the support is quite overwhelming after so long in the dark-what good work is done here!
 
Shell

Just to let you know it took some time for me to accept that we both have issues to resolve. I couldn't stop thinking WHAT is wrong with us that we chose each other with all these hangups and unhealthyness!!!

Couples therapy has helped enormously in allowing us to do less navel gazing and disecting and let us see some of the very fantastic reasons we are together.

Although we probably did have some "unhealthy" reasons for chosing each other (we've been together 9 years) I've concluded HECK who doesn't!!! At least we have now seen that sunny horizon you speak of and we are peddling like mad to get there.

Its hard work but today I feel so determined.

Lots of love

Tracy
 
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