new shocker (possible triggers)

new shocker (possible triggers)
S

shell

Registrant
Hello everyone again thanks for replying to my last topic really appreciated and feel strengthened by it-thanks loads.
however there has been another development in my life un related to my husbands issues. and I am aware that I have only just posted a new topic but i hope you won't mind another already under the circumstances.....

On Monday my sister rang me to say that our youngest brother had a memory of our dad abusing him as a child. I do not doubt my brother at all as we have had our suspicions that in amongst the plethora of abuse that my sister, two brothers and I endured it seemed likely that S A could be a part of it. Since then I have been wondering about the action that my siblings and I should take. My youngest brother despite this disclosure thinks that he is fine and that it is unimportant as he feels like a secure person. Firstly is it possible that he really might be fine? Secondly, in the absence of solid memory(but lots of fears and dodgy feelings) what is the likelihood that the rest of us could have been subject to S.A. by our dad also? All a bit sudden and don't really know what else to say so i'll just wait for some replies....
thanks
shell
 
Hi Shell,

It seems like your brother only disclosed to your sister. Controlling who know and when they know is a big part of the healing process. Your brother might feel betrayed by your sister for disclosing to you. You should really convey this to your sister so she doesn't end up making your brother feel betrayed.

Your sister could recomend to your brother to seek a therapist and visit this discussion board (just to read at first, he can post later if he wishes).

The likelyhood that the rest of you could have been subject to SA? Don't know. However, since you and the rest of your siblings experienced other forms of abuse it would be helpful to seek therapy to work issues related to the abuse you experienced.

This is just my take on your post. I'm sure others will jump in to give you a better perspective.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Shell

First of all I'm really glad you felt some support from peoples replies. Keep taking care of yourself.

I think BTR's post is spot on. I'm obviously not able to say whether or not this would have hapened to you but my gut feeling is that if you doubt that it definatly didn't happen, have "fear and dodgy feelings" and sufered other forms of abuse, if you are not already geting theraputic support I'd definatly reccomend it.

After my partners disclosure I was overwhealmed with feelings of fear, and over the past couple of months have started to recover for the first time some solid memories of pretty nasty physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my father.

I've found a therapist who is great and am starting to work through it. The timing is abomnable but the option isn't really there.

I really feel for you. It sounds as if youre struggling with your situation as it is but at least is you can see a therapist you trust and like you've got someone in your corner just for you.

Feel free to PM me if you wish to expand/chat about your dodgy feelings/ fears etc.. I've not posted about mine because it feels too much a departure from Male Survivor but if you feel safe to I'm happy to chat.

Lots of love and thinking of you at this really hard time.

Tracy
 
thanks
I'd just like to reply to btr first. I understand your worry about the fact that my brother disclosed to my sister and not me. This was only initially, my brother and I have had a conversation about it also now. I do though think somehow that it was significant that he told her first as he like acts she's a bit of a drama queen! It was as if he was consciously going for the most extreme opinion to start with. It was strange though as when I talked to him it was like he was worried that it might become a big drama but he told my sister knowing that she is likely to go to the extreme! When I talked to him I didn't want to scare him off so I tried to steer a bit down the middle. I tried to suggest that it might be an important issue that needed some attention but he was very wary of anything that seemed like it was making a big issue of it. Sadly I feel like at this stage even suggesting looking at this site would not be welcomed. I spose we need to just let him get there in his own way and his own time. I will have the conversation with my sister about not sharing what he has told us incase it is upsetting or threatening to him. Thanks for the advice.

Thanks also tracey I might like to chat to you if i can work out how to do it technically! Thats a really kind offer. As you have said I wonder if my husbands initial disclosure has lead to my brothers and also my own worries-a scary but maybe inevitable knock on effect for all concerned.

thanks again
shell
 
Shell,

On your brother not being open to making a "big issue" of his SA, I think that is natural for CSA victims. Sort of a denial response.

"OK, it happened. No big deal. I'll just stuff it under the rug and it'll stay there 'cause I want it to."

I can tell you from personal experience, and the other guys here will verify it---THAT IS SO NOT GOING TO HAPPEN FOR HIM---Sooner or later it'll come back, and keep coming back with greater and greater ferocity till he will be forced to deal with it.

Having said that, there probably isn't going to be much you can do except watch out for him from afar, and be ready to be his strength if and when he needs you. He has to want to deal with the issues before any progress can be made.

One other thing you can do is to enter therapy yourself for help in dealing with your own issues which there seem to be based on your description of your home life as a child. In that way you accomplish several things.

1st you are looking out for your self and your own healing.

2nd you are rolemodeling, if you will, for him, showing him that it's "OK" to get help.

3rd you are learning things that will enable you to be of considerable help to him when he reaches the point where he is willing start facing the issues.

I wish you the best.

Courage,

John
 
Shell,

I would first of all echo what Born to Resist says about disclosure. Your brother absolutely must have confidence in the fact that whatever he tells to someone will die there unless he says it's okay to tell others. Otherwise there is a great danger he will close down entirely.

On his feelings that what happened to him is unimportant, in my opinion that is a bad sign and not anything reassuring at all. An abused boy who thinks that being hurt is "unimportant" is basically crying out that he himself feels unimportant.

That is something that happens a lot among abuse victims. We explain the abuse as being caused by the fact that we are bad. If only we could stop being bad, the abuse would stop. But the abuse doesn't stop, and soon the boy feels worthless.

I'm not saying that this is what is happening in your brother's case, but it sure sounds familiar.

One factor would be your brother's age. Is he still a teenager, an adult? If what happened to him is of no importance, then he ought to be willing to talk about it. If he can't that's a pretty good sign that something huge is on his mind.

Much love,
Larry
 
wow thanks guys
thats a huge help and makes loads of sense. I fear that he won't be able to ignore it and that it will keep coming back to him like you said john. And as you said larry I'm sure it is a huge thing on his mind even though he is making it seem unimportant. He is an adult and has a very good career that he has worked hard at I think if he acknowledges it too much he fears he won't have control any longer. As kids we were all out of control in a very difficult situation so I get that bit at least. He's a great bloke and has really overcome huge hurdles in his life I bet he's scared he will lose that if he takes his memory too seriously.
As for my own help I am on a waiting list for a counsellor and when I go I hope it might help him to consider it for himself. He is the youngest of four and he has seen us all struggle and need extra help I think he dreads that for himself and wants to think he is somehow immune to the damage.
thanks your comments have been really on the mark here.
shell
 
Shell,

I have said this before, but here it comes again. Survivors, especially adult men, often have a problem admitting that they need help, whether medication or therapy. We seem to equate denial with strength. I remember I was almost falling apart before I agreed to seek help for my despression, and for a long time I felt like taking my medication was just a confirmation that I was a failure as a man.

Your brother may need to hear - in whatever subtle ways you can convey the message - that seeking help is a sign of courage, not weakness. When we agree to see a therapist we are simply acknowledging that sexual abuse is a catastrophic experience and that bungling around on our own is no way to recover. A therapist's job is to help us past our pain and fear with the least possible trauma.

If your brother has been abused and needs help, and that is my guess at the moment, this is the sort of thing he needs to hear and think about.

Much love,
Larry
 
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