new possibility and I don’t know what to do
Skyblue
Registrant
Hi,
I’m new here. I joined MS because I saw this forum on male survivors of female abuse and felt like this might be the only place in the world I can let this out of my head - it’s driving me crazy! Sorry to jump in with such an extreme issue, but it’s all I’ve been able to think about.
I recently reported sexual abuse from my mother from the age of 10 to the police. The past year has been so difficult working through this stuff, and I thought I was finally making headway. Building up to my video interview I read all my old diaries and put together a timeline. One thing that helped decide when events must have happened was remembering if my mum was pregnant with one of my two youngest sisters. This stuff is so messed up, but from the age of 14 my mum was regularly having sex with me, and my stepfather was regularly having sex with my older sisters. They had groomed us all since a young age and we all accepted it as... not normal, but as what just happens in our house. It’s all been so confusing though trying to put it behind me and move on. It’s only the past year I’ve even been able to see what happened to me as abuse and not just something ‘weird’ and best forgotten. Despite the catastrophic effect it has had on all our lives. I just couldn’t face it to be honest. I have just lived for 30 years since it started with massive toxic shame issue.
Putting together my timeline a thought occurred, and it’s impacted like a large asteroid. There’s no way for me to be certain one or both of my younger sister are not mine. I’m so upset. I don’t know what to do with this. There’s nothing I can do is there?! I’m close to my younger siblings because I’ve sort of always been a surrogate father anyway. My stepdad was an evil bastard and away from home doing god knows what for long periods of time and it just fell to me and my older sisters to look after the younger ones. I keep telling myself it doesn’t change anything. My siblings mean the world to me before and they still do. But I have the awful sense my world has just been tipped upside down all over and I’m back to square one drowning in shame and confusion. The whole thing is just a small possibility. My mum was always sleeping with some neighbour or acquaintance at any given time, as well as my stepdad so it’s just a small possibility, but under these fked up circumstances there’s just no way for me to be certain it wasn’t me who got her pregnant. At the time I never questioned her. It’s only now o realise she had no thought of consequences, and no real concern for me. I was some sort of backup for her, kept like some kind of pet and trailned since I was 10 to be responsible for her wellbeing and to live in fear of her suicide. It’s all so messed up. I’ve minimised comtact with her for about 10 years now and broke contact with her completely just a month ago. I could ask her but I doubt she could say 100% and I wouldn’t believe her if she did say 100% not. She would just protect herself and her current marriage.
So sorry to just turn up and dump this here. I just need another human being to see this. Wife has been amazing since I told her the overview of what happened to me as a kid. This though, this is too much to tell anyone in real life.
I’m new here. I joined MS because I saw this forum on male survivors of female abuse and felt like this might be the only place in the world I can let this out of my head - it’s driving me crazy! Sorry to jump in with such an extreme issue, but it’s all I’ve been able to think about.
I recently reported sexual abuse from my mother from the age of 10 to the police. The past year has been so difficult working through this stuff, and I thought I was finally making headway. Building up to my video interview I read all my old diaries and put together a timeline. One thing that helped decide when events must have happened was remembering if my mum was pregnant with one of my two youngest sisters. This stuff is so messed up, but from the age of 14 my mum was regularly having sex with me, and my stepfather was regularly having sex with my older sisters. They had groomed us all since a young age and we all accepted it as... not normal, but as what just happens in our house. It’s all been so confusing though trying to put it behind me and move on. It’s only the past year I’ve even been able to see what happened to me as abuse and not just something ‘weird’ and best forgotten. Despite the catastrophic effect it has had on all our lives. I just couldn’t face it to be honest. I have just lived for 30 years since it started with massive toxic shame issue.
Putting together my timeline a thought occurred, and it’s impacted like a large asteroid. There’s no way for me to be certain one or both of my younger sister are not mine. I’m so upset. I don’t know what to do with this. There’s nothing I can do is there?! I’m close to my younger siblings because I’ve sort of always been a surrogate father anyway. My stepdad was an evil bastard and away from home doing god knows what for long periods of time and it just fell to me and my older sisters to look after the younger ones. I keep telling myself it doesn’t change anything. My siblings mean the world to me before and they still do. But I have the awful sense my world has just been tipped upside down all over and I’m back to square one drowning in shame and confusion. The whole thing is just a small possibility. My mum was always sleeping with some neighbour or acquaintance at any given time, as well as my stepdad so it’s just a small possibility, but under these fked up circumstances there’s just no way for me to be certain it wasn’t me who got her pregnant. At the time I never questioned her. It’s only now o realise she had no thought of consequences, and no real concern for me. I was some sort of backup for her, kept like some kind of pet and trailned since I was 10 to be responsible for her wellbeing and to live in fear of her suicide. It’s all so messed up. I’ve minimised comtact with her for about 10 years now and broke contact with her completely just a month ago. I could ask her but I doubt she could say 100% and I wouldn’t believe her if she did say 100% not. She would just protect herself and her current marriage.
So sorry to just turn up and dump this here. I just need another human being to see this. Wife has been amazing since I told her the overview of what happened to me as a kid. This though, this is too much to tell anyone in real life.