new possibility and I don’t know what to do

Skyblue

Registrant
Hi,
I’m new here. I joined MS because I saw this forum on male survivors of female abuse and felt like this might be the only place in the world I can let this out of my head - it’s driving me crazy! Sorry to jump in with such an extreme issue, but it’s all I’ve been able to think about.

I recently reported sexual abuse from my mother from the age of 10 to the police. The past year has been so difficult working through this stuff, and I thought I was finally making headway. Building up to my video interview I read all my old diaries and put together a timeline. One thing that helped decide when events must have happened was remembering if my mum was pregnant with one of my two youngest sisters. This stuff is so messed up, but from the age of 14 my mum was regularly having sex with me, and my stepfather was regularly having sex with my older sisters. They had groomed us all since a young age and we all accepted it as... not normal, but as what just happens in our house. It’s all been so confusing though trying to put it behind me and move on. It’s only the past year I’ve even been able to see what happened to me as abuse and not just something ‘weird’ and best forgotten. Despite the catastrophic effect it has had on all our lives. I just couldn’t face it to be honest. I have just lived for 30 years since it started with massive toxic shame issue.

Putting together my timeline a thought occurred, and it’s impacted like a large asteroid. There’s no way for me to be certain one or both of my younger sister are not mine. I’m so upset. I don’t know what to do with this. There’s nothing I can do is there?! I’m close to my younger siblings because I’ve sort of always been a surrogate father anyway. My stepdad was an evil bastard and away from home doing god knows what for long periods of time and it just fell to me and my older sisters to look after the younger ones. I keep telling myself it doesn’t change anything. My siblings mean the world to me before and they still do. But I have the awful sense my world has just been tipped upside down all over and I’m back to square one drowning in shame and confusion. The whole thing is just a small possibility. My mum was always sleeping with some neighbour or acquaintance at any given time, as well as my stepdad so it’s just a small possibility, but under these fked up circumstances there’s just no way for me to be certain it wasn’t me who got her pregnant. At the time I never questioned her. It’s only now o realise she had no thought of consequences, and no real concern for me. I was some sort of backup for her, kept like some kind of pet and trailned since I was 10 to be responsible for her wellbeing and to live in fear of her suicide. It’s all so messed up. I’ve minimised comtact with her for about 10 years now and broke contact with her completely just a month ago. I could ask her but I doubt she could say 100% and I wouldn’t believe her if she did say 100% not. She would just protect herself and her current marriage.

So sorry to just turn up and dump this here. I just need another human being to see this. Wife has been amazing since I told her the overview of what happened to me as a kid. This though, this is too much to tell anyone in real life.
 
Wow, that's some heavy stuff. I hope writing it here has helped lighten your load a little bit. We're here and we're reading.

No matter whether you are your siblings' father or not, your abuse was not your fault. In the end, they're still your siblings, and you're never really going to know - which actually might be for the best.

I'm glad you reported it.
 
I am so sorry for what happened to you. None of it was your fault. I will say to you what my counselor says, the shame is real, it just isn't yours. The shame is your mother's and stepfather. They are the ones who did wrong so the shame and guilt is theirs. This is such a difficult road that each of us must walk. We didn't choose it. But the fact that you survived and are still here means you are a survivor and have the strength to heal.
 

Skyblue

Registrant
Thanks so much for this strangeways. I really needed to hear this from someone. Unless there is some evidence at some point otherwise I need them to still be my sisters. It’s just far far too messy otherwise, for them as well as me.

No matter whether you are your siblings' father or not, your abuse was not your fault. In the end, they're still your siblings, and you're never really going to know - which actually might be for the best.
 

Skyblue

Registrant
The shame is your mother's and stepfathers. They are the ones who did wrong so the shame and guilt is theirs.
Thank you Belovedson. I know this in my head, but in the pit of my stomach I just seem to be addicted to shame and unable to stop attacking myself :(

This is such a difficult road that each of us must walk. We didn't choose it. But the fact that you survived and are still here means you are a survivor and have the strength to heal.
I found this and held onto it at times, but it just went and I was in chaos and drowning again when the thought of my sibblings occurred doing my timeline. Thank you for reminding me I can do this
 

Skyblue

Registrant
I was 15 when my mum became pregnant, and then 16 when she became pregnant again. I know she was having sex with me when I was 14, and then it was on and off until I was able to move out. I just can’t remember many actual events of the abuse though, they’re gone from my memory and I’ve tried so hard to remember so I could assess the likelihood. I don’t think I can though.

The thought I might possibly be their dad really messed me up. I just felt the guilt I thought I’d worked through already all return. I had this feeling it made me infinitely more responsible for not protecting them from my mum for what happened after I moved out. I’ve spoken to my sisters of what happened to me now. I’d needed them to know as after I’d left home my middle sister was abused over the next 5 years, and then after my stepfather left my mum remarried a guy that molested my younger sisters, with my mums knowledge. I didn’t know until too late.

I hadn’t yet come to terms with what happened to me, and sort of thought my mum had been groomed by my stepdad and was in denial as to what she was. I didn’t understand until too late and after all that further abuse of others that might have been stopped. Most mums would pick up there kids and run a mile if the guy they had met turned out to be interested in having sex with her daughter. My mum just joined in though. What she did amd allowed has never I realise now been explained by just grooming. She wasn’t a victim same as me and my older sisters. Mum was an adult but totally up for what followed. She is a selfish and wicked sex offender and always was
 

pedropedro

Registrant
Wow. I don't know what to say that the others haven't but remember: you are not at fault! You have found a home here; we are your brothers and we love you. Hugs!
 
What horror to have experienced and carried through your life... the shame and guilt. But in reality, you are as much a survivor of this horror as were your sisters. Yes, I understand the feeling of responsibility you carry for them, but there was never anything you could realistically have done to protect them from your mother, your step-father or the other men who entered that hell realm. I understand how your mind can fixate on the questions you are asking yourself but please understand that doing so keeps you locked in that world. There is nothing to be gained by going there. What you have been doing over the years... caring for your sisters, is a beautiful thing. Whether a younger sister was the product of your mother's using you sexually is really beside the point. What matters is your love for all of them. Remember that nothing before, during or after these repeated traumas was your fault... the shame belongs to your mother and other perpetrators. Now is the time for self-compassion and self-care which begins with you and extends to your family, including your sisters. I'm glad you found this website and this forum. I too was sexually traumatized by my mother, but much earlier. Blessedly, the trauma never involved the things you experienced, but I too am glad this particular forum exists. Women can traumatize children. We need to be able to say that and be listened to without judgment. Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so sad you and your sisters experienced that horror. But now is the time to heal. This is what every man here is doing.
 
Reading @Visitor 's words, I realize what a blessing it is for me to hear and respond to other peoples' stories. I feel compassion toward each of you as I hear your stories - even while I hold myself in contempt. While I am working on feeling compassion to myself, you are helping me practice that skill by giving me an opportunity to hear your stories and feel compassions towards you. I am grateful for each of you as you help me practice skills of compassion. My heart is softening towards myself and you all are part of the reason why.
 
Top