New person post, may trigger
Two friends tell me of here. That it is help to them. I write this with translation to help. To read anything here, it will need be same, for now anyway.
I think now it is bad. I think I have known before it is wrong. Now I think it is bad too.
Earliest memory, my mom, she is on the bed with me. She is telling me something to do to her, and I am already knowing of what she means. I am three or four years old. Not yet in school. But already learning it seem.
My sister shared room with me. This happens for all the time I am at home. She must know. Right? I do not know, we never have talked of it. She will be here to visit next week. I do not know if I can talk to her.
Our father always drink to much, and hit to much. It is perhaps sad, someone to be so unhappy. I do not feel sad for him. I guess how I feel of him is between myself and my God. But I feel no sympathy for him. At some time, I was able to keep him from hurting my sister. And protect my mother. Interesting, that choice.
My sister leave home when I am 15 years old. I leave the next week, go to different city. Know nothing, still have one year left in school. Nothing to work as a job. What do you do? You do what you know, I guess, what you are good at. I did that. Made money from older ladies who want a young person to be with. Sometime would have somewhere to stay for a few days or week. Also have done some photos, not 'family' kind, and movies. Again, not family kind. No one know I am 15, 16 years old. No one ask. If they ask, would they care? Don't know. Then something happen that just almost kill me, and I end up back near home. Live with my aunt for few months, until she died. Then back at home. Things start again. Just as I have not left.
Even now. Even last year, I engage in that with my mother. Even this year, she try that with me. I am not a child. This is not child abuse. I am 26 years old now. It is me doing it. Perhaps I can lay blame to her for what is from before. Who is to blame now? My father, for most part, ignores me now. It is not so fun to beat on someone large enough to fight back, and other then few isolated times, he have not. My mother won't ignore me. Not enough luck of that.
How much is it abuse when there is not force, there is not violence? When she was my mother, and was gentle and 'loving' with me, and teach me how to be with other women? My father abused me, yes. My mother? From what I know of my two friends, it seems it is very different then this. Can it be called the same thing, if it is so very different in how it occurs?
And what is it, when you know it will happen again if you go home, and still, you go home, and let it. What is that?
I am questioning my belonging here.
VN
I think now it is bad. I think I have known before it is wrong. Now I think it is bad too.
Earliest memory, my mom, she is on the bed with me. She is telling me something to do to her, and I am already knowing of what she means. I am three or four years old. Not yet in school. But already learning it seem.
My sister shared room with me. This happens for all the time I am at home. She must know. Right? I do not know, we never have talked of it. She will be here to visit next week. I do not know if I can talk to her.
Our father always drink to much, and hit to much. It is perhaps sad, someone to be so unhappy. I do not feel sad for him. I guess how I feel of him is between myself and my God. But I feel no sympathy for him. At some time, I was able to keep him from hurting my sister. And protect my mother. Interesting, that choice.
My sister leave home when I am 15 years old. I leave the next week, go to different city. Know nothing, still have one year left in school. Nothing to work as a job. What do you do? You do what you know, I guess, what you are good at. I did that. Made money from older ladies who want a young person to be with. Sometime would have somewhere to stay for a few days or week. Also have done some photos, not 'family' kind, and movies. Again, not family kind. No one know I am 15, 16 years old. No one ask. If they ask, would they care? Don't know. Then something happen that just almost kill me, and I end up back near home. Live with my aunt for few months, until she died. Then back at home. Things start again. Just as I have not left.
Even now. Even last year, I engage in that with my mother. Even this year, she try that with me. I am not a child. This is not child abuse. I am 26 years old now. It is me doing it. Perhaps I can lay blame to her for what is from before. Who is to blame now? My father, for most part, ignores me now. It is not so fun to beat on someone large enough to fight back, and other then few isolated times, he have not. My mother won't ignore me. Not enough luck of that.
How much is it abuse when there is not force, there is not violence? When she was my mother, and was gentle and 'loving' with me, and teach me how to be with other women? My father abused me, yes. My mother? From what I know of my two friends, it seems it is very different then this. Can it be called the same thing, if it is so very different in how it occurs?
And what is it, when you know it will happen again if you go home, and still, you go home, and let it. What is that?
I am questioning my belonging here.
VN
