NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY

NEW! NEED HELP DESPERATELY
Bill_1965

Bill_1965

Registrant
HARMONY,

First I'll start out by saying your name should be DISharmony if you are having an affair with a married man. No matter how bad you preceive he has it at home, this is a bad situation for both of you. No matter what you do regarding the question of SA, get out of that relationship. If I'm off-base here, forgive me.

Regarding the question of SA. The only way he will begin to seek help for SA is if he seeks help for SA. The laws of physics dictate that the only way you can push is away. You can guide and you can be supportive, but that's about it. He will only seek help when he sees and wants it. To push will only make him retreat more. The only one that can bring him to heal himself is himself. You cannot fix him, no matter how much you may want to.

The teddy bear was a wonderful thing. That was very kind and considerate of you. I appreciate that you did that.

Take care,
Bill
 
Now that I suspect SA is the reason for the decreased self esteem
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What is the reason for your low self esteem that has put you in an affair with a married man?

Bill was right about what he said. The teddy bear was a nice idea, but you are only heading toward trouble for yourself and for him.
 
Harmony,
First off if this man in your life has suffered SA in his child hood the only real thing you can do is show him that you are there for him when and IF he wants to share that info with you. And that you will not judge him. Telling someone that you have been abused is one of the hardest thing a man can do. The teddy bear is a good thing. Kind of cool if you ask me.

Now,
having an affair is not what I want to be doing
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ummmmmmmmmm HELLO.......is he forcing you to "having an affair"? If the answer is no then you want to be doing it.
I am not looking to destroy a marriage
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you may not be looking but you are. This is a married man and you have been sleeping with some other womans husbond for 7 years. Wonder how long you and him will be before he finds anther one like you. You should change your name to "Harm" because you are not providing Harmony for this man's life. In fact you are probley doing harm to him. Helping him see that keeping secerts is just part of life. Shame on you. You say you love this man, what about his wife? You make no mention of her. You say you have known him for 30 years. Which leads me to believe you know his wife and if they had kids then you have seen his kids grow up and start lives of there own.

Now this is a place to get support on issues due to SA, but you have to take the good with the bad. I am sure that you will find ways to help this man and help yourself at the same time. But when you come in here talking about abusing his wife please be ready for the backlash.

Good luck
James
 
Harmony,

I am not going to mince words. You say you are a counselor. What kind of a counselor could countenance an affair?

You are making a victim of this man's wife. Are you ready to deal with the carnage you will have inflicted once his wife finds out about this?

You say you love him. Then why do this thing that will only bring harm to those he cares about?

I agree that the teddy bear was a kind thing.

But face facts. You have no right to be in this affair. I will put it bluntly. You are a homewrecker, devoid of morals and compassion for the innocent victims of this illicit affair. I can only despararatly hope there are no children involved.

You are attempting to justify something you know is wrong. That makes you a perpetrator in my book. What did his wife ever do to you? You claim it is an abusive relationship. Maybe it is. But isn't it possible you are reaching for justification for the affair.

This is wrong. And so are you.

Marc
 
Maybe I'm well off message with regard to this thread but im gonna post it regardless.

I feel its my duty to a least try to give a helping hand to someone whose asking for help as I searched for so long for help myself.

I have empathy with Harmony as I too was labeled as a "homewrecker" in my younger life with numerous affairs with married women trying to be a man and to prove to myself that I wasnt gay.

I found the self rightious attitude a bit uncomfortable.

Regards

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (Triggers)
https://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com
 
Thank you, Arch:

Regardless of the dynamics of my relationship with this man, the bottom line is he is a survivor of SA. This is why I am looking for help, so I can help him when he is ready for it. I am also interested in learning as much as I can from those who have already been there.

He has no friends, no support system, retreats and isolates, and talks of suicide. I happen to love him as a friend more than anything. So I am here for help, not judgement.

Thanks for your support to me. It matters.
 
Harmony,
Dont get me wrong. You will find the support you need here. But you are going to have to take the good with the bad. Read the reply's and take what you feel you can use and discard the rest. After all you will find that survivor's can be very intence on some things. As for your friend, you need to keep in mind that there is a diffence between support and trying to do it for him. We tend to try "fix" things in the ones we love in order to help forgo some of the pain involved in them doing it themselves. This isnt something you can do for him. You can walk beside him, hold his hand, hug him, love him. But when it comes down to brass tacks he is the one who has to make the choice to help himself. If you read some of the threads here under the family and friends forum you will find a pretty common theam. Be sure to take care of yourself first and for most. You will not do him and expecily yourself any good if you loss yourself (regardless if we think thats a good thing or bad thing) in trying to help him in his recovery. Some times survivor's need a little push and sometimes we push back. So be carful you are getting ready to start down one of the more rerording and most scary roads you have ever seen. Just be sure to be true to yourself on this journy.

James
 
All that you can do for him is ask him to get help and point him in the right direction.

I would still love to hear the logic behind your belief explaining how having an 8 year affair is good for someone's marriage. You must think very highly of yourself to believe that, especially when he "withdraws" back to his wife. I wonder if it could be contributing to why he is in a BAD marriage. I'm sure that things will be different with you if you ever manage to convince him to leave her. After 8 years, I'm sure it must be a high priority for him.


I will never understand the logic of people like you. Probably because there is none. You are just selfish and ignorant.

I will suggest that you go apologize to his wife and ask for her forgiveness.

I have much much more to say, but I won't.
 
Amen MikeNY
I would still love to hear the logic behind your belief explaining how having an 8 year affair is good for someone's marriage. You must think very highly of yourself to believe that, especially when he "withdraws" back to his wife. I wonder if it could be contributing to why he is in a BAD marriage. I'm sure that things will be different with you if you ever manage to convince him to leave her. After 8 years, I'm sure it must be a high priority for him.
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I have a friend doing the same. 6 years and still there! She is stuck cause he plays her emotions. He tells her about his wife being mean to him, taking his money . . etc. . anything to justify that he is the one in pain here. Love me . . I am so hurt . . we as women love it, eat it up . . gotta take care of our men . . natural instinct. Why do you want this responsibility, learn a new hobby.

I see my friend in pain, crying and hoping that one day he will come around. How about taking your own life into consideration and making yourself HAPPY ?"?"?"

My friend said: "if I only get one day a month it is enough, it is better than nothing", what a joke. The other 29 days she sits waiting. CRAZY!

Hey had a thought? :confused: Is his wife aware of the SA? Anyone but yourself? If not that would be another way to keep you hanging then wouldn't it? You have an issue that he only told you; can't leave him now.

Not saying the SA isn't an issue but my friend's man uses things simular to keep her feeling at bay.

Another thing: Could this "Harmony" be an "acting out partner"? I'm new but if it is going on 8 years, it must make him feel something but nothing enough to leave . . not sure . . an idea?
 
we as women love it, eat it up . . gotta take care of our men . . natural instinct.
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I can give you so many arguments against this statement that you could write a book when I'm done. With what happened to your husband you should know how false this statement actually is. This is one of the stigmas of society which has caused many of us here great amounts of pain. You can be content knowing that you yourself are like that, but there is no innate natural instinct involved. My perp was nothing but a control freak who needed to satisfy a need for power, SHE did it at my expense. Women are fully capable of comitting ALL of the same crimes that men do, and they do. She was no care giver. Her daughter is proof of that, but I won't go into any details.


Another thing: Could this "Harmony" be an "acting out partner"? I'm new but if it is going on 8 years, it must make him feel something but nothing enough to leave . . not sure . . an idea?
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Yes, I have more than one idea, but I will not speculate on things when I do not know enough about the situation. The only thing that I know right now is that a woman with no self-esteem is sleeping with another woman's husband and thinks that it is good for her marriage. I wonder if there are children involved. I wonder how many other women he may have done this with or IS doing this with. I wonder how many other people Harmony has been involved with during this 8 year time period. I wonder how many precautions either one of them has taken or is taking concerning STDs. I wonder how good it would be for his wife and her marriage when he comes home with STD's? If he is lying to his own wife, how many other people do you think he is lying to?
 
Harmony, you said that you are a counselor. Are you his counselor? If you are, that places you in a position where you are considered to have power over him. Whatever other legalities are involved vary state to state. I do know that it would make you nothing but a perp to most, if not all, of us here.

You say you have known him for 30 years. Which leads me to believe you know his wife
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Do you know his wife? If so, how many times have you lied to her to her face? Every time that you pretended to be her friend and haven't talked with her about all of this, is another time.


(Edited by Ken for flaming.)
 
Also, I can't wait for the lawmaker's to actually do something about all of this stuff the way that they can and should. Some of them are finally getting smart enough to try to do things with it. They can easily create laws that would follow the same logics as gun laws and DWI laws regarding things like what her husband is doing to her. There are all kinds of "Potential to cause harm" laws. I also hope that someone will be smart enough to try to use the new "Bioterrorism" laws that are applicable to situations like this. I am glad that they have started to arrest some people who do these things for attempted murder and murder when they infect somone with HIV while doing this stuff. Everytime that he doesn't tell her what he has been doing before having sex with his wife is another time that he is holding a gun to her head. She just doesn't know about it, and doesn't know if the gun is loaded.
 
With what happened to your husband you should know how false this statement actually is. This is one of the stigmas of society which has caused many of us here great amounts of pain.
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I am very aware because of what happend to my husband that all women are not created equal. I however do take great pride because I have such LOVE for him I do feel I need to care for him. I didnt' mean anything by this. I do feel that in most women there is a natural instinct to nurture and care for anyone they truely love. After 8 years you can't tell me even though we talk crap about Harmony there isn't LOVE in her emotions. She wouldn't be here if there wasn't. SA is never about LOVE I've learned it is about CONTROL.

I do not agree with any women seeing a married man. However the man is at fault if after 8 years his A$$ is still keeping her on. To do this he must make her feel important, how else is he doing that if not by making her feel needed? That was all I was saying.

I think you have read most of my posts. I do feel that low self estem has caused her to stay that long as well as my husbands shit to happen! But . . You feed a stray and it will usually stay doesn't it? My friend is being fed and played on her emotions . . that was the point. . that is all I mean . . sorry, I know it didn't sound right!
 
I don't care how she thinks she feels about him, or what he does or does not do to her or for her. She shouldn't be there at all. Period. As for how long it's been going on, it should have never started. She deserves the nothing that she is getting, actually less.

My perp tried to call what she did love too. I know that she fully believed it. If Harmony is his councelor, she is nothing but a perp.

If he is in a marriage that is that bad, then there are other ways to handle the situation. Under no circumstances does his wife deserve what is being done to her, with or without Harmony's help.
 
Originally posted by HARMONY:
Thank you, Arch:

Regardless of the dynamics of my relationship with this man, the bottom line is he is a survivor of SA. This is why I am looking for help, so I can help him when he is ready for it. I am also interested in learning as much as I can from those who have already been there.

He has no friends, no support system, retreats and isolates, and talks of suicide. I happen to love him as a friend more than anything. So I am here for help, not judgement.

Thanks for your support to me. It matters.
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If you love him as a friend then stop sleeping with him. People who are sexually abused get really confused about sex, love and appropriate/healthy sexual relationships and often engage in "acting out" sexual behaviour (inappropriate sexual behaviour).

If you are sleeping with a married SA survivor (who is not married to YOU) then you are just encouraging and enabling his sexual acting out - kind of like supplying drugs to an addict. You're just enabling his addictive/compulsive behaviour.

If you truly love him like you say you do STOP sleeping with him and get him to a counsellor PRONTO.
 
Originally posted by MikeNY:
[QB]
we as women love it, eat it up . . gotta take care of our men . . natural instinct.
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Gotta take care of our men can take many forms. Giving in to compulsive sexual acting out is NOT taking care of "your man".. Newsflash: he's NOT your man.. he's married to someone else.

What this is is weak and spineless and a characteristic of a codependent. And its not healthy for ANYONE involved. Taking care of him would be to STOP sleeping with him get him to some therapy PRONTO, tell his wife what is going on and get the hell out of the picture.

SA does NOT go away when someone has a lot of "crutches" to avoid dealing with the issue. Whether it be someone who's sexually acting out, drownign themselves in alcohol, numbing themselves with drugs, it is a temporary crutch. Only by going into the pain, getting in touch with the feelings, working through the pain, the anger, the deceit, the grief and learnign to trust again and feel safe will someone recover. THAT is taking care of someone.

P
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Originally posted by Archnut:
I have empathy with Harmony as I too was labeled as a "homewrecker" in my younger life with numerous affairs with married women trying to be a man and to prove to myself that I wasnt gay.
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Ok arch - thanks for the note - but you were reacting to SA and we can understand your behaviour in that context. What's Harmony's excuse?

If she too is a SA survivor then her and the guy she is sleeping with BOTH need help and BOTH need to stop sleeping around.

P
 
I have no answers only experiences.

Thats why I dont give advice as I'm usually wrong!


Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (Triggers)
https://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com
 
PAS, the one thing that you quoted from me, I quoted from jaywho, not Harmony. Just to be clear on that. What you said follows fine for Harmony.
 
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