new memories, doorstep to hell??? possible trigger

[theo]

guys,
i really don't know where to go with this. last week my sib mentioned something about a knife and my step-a**hole, the first one who raped me at three-four years of age. up to that point i thought i had everything fairly much under control. when i read that line in the e-mail she sent i just went numb all over. since then i have had more episodes then i have had in the past month. i have tried to dialogue with little theo but i think i pushed too hard. before i was able to arrive at the truth through the dialogue but this time the dialogue left far too much open. there were at least half a dozen scenarios that prompted the response i usually get when i dialogue with litle theo and understand the truth of episodes of abuse. this time each of those scenarios rang the worning bells ten ways to sunday but not anyhting conclusive. i have actually dissociated about three times this past week during my waking state and that has not happened during the past year since i have started recalling my abuse. i really don't know what to do.

as i sit here writing this i feel like i am spinning my wheels not accomplishing squat. all i know is that when i read that line about the knife i went numb with terror. i have come to realize that the abuse i went through involved torture and ritual abuse (but not satanic). it involved the main perp, myself, my sister, possibly my mother (another perp), and others. somehow it is focused mainly on me with my sister in a great deal of danger. i have tried to find out what it was that this perp wanted me to do that was so different from what he did to me prior to this. whatever it was it was bad enough to threaten the life of those i loved and that just scares the shit out of me. sorry for the vulgarity, i typically refrain from it, but this has me running scared. i have never dissociated during the day since i was twelve. my altered states have always been induced by alcohol or extreme exhaustion and involved a bed, not the wheel of my car. i really don't know what is going on here and am scared to see the greater effects of the terror and dissociation in my waking state. rape and incest were bad enough, torture and ritual abuse invoving multiple people just seem to be putting me over the edge. i feel as though i am on the brink of madness or breakthrough, with the former having a huge lead.

spinning wheels
stuck
that damn light switch
no one
no one
tried to help
i really did
spinning wheels
alone
in the dark
felt the edge
alone
tried to
really did
didn''t stop it
didn't help
lied
didn't stop it
alone
spinning wheels

 

[Leosha]

I have read your post best I can. It is frightening, to read what you have been through, and what you remember. I am not so sure what I can do, to offer advice or such. I understand the scariness of memories. So much things I had put out of my head, or chose to ignore, and did not know if they are right memories or not, my mom is able to confirm some things for me.

I think it is definitly possible that to bring up new memories will make you down more for a while, more afraid and feel other negative emotion. But, I am hoping for both you and myself, that to remember them is to steal of their power, and allow us to completely heal and be whole.

I wish you well, and I hope that you keep yourself safe.

leosha

 

[theo]

leo,
thank you very much. i believe i know how much it took to read so disturbing a post and yet respond to it. your words mean a great deal to me. in such a post there seems to be very little to offer except the company of a fellow survivor, but that is greater by far then a thousand words of wisdom.

i was dissociating as i wrote those last lines of my post, but to know that i am not alone provides a strength that would not have been there otherwise. i think we are grounded, in part, by those we share our life with when they reach out just to hold our hand...even when done through the web. thanks again, leosha. your courage and friendship is worth a great deal.

 

[Mike Church]

Theo:

i feel as though i am on the brink of madness or breakthrough, with the former having a huge lead.

I think that you are verging on the latter. You keep getting more insight into what you must fight. It is so terribly hard to fight a fleeting thought. It will bring pain yes but it will also lead you to much better things.

A very good example of this is Leosha who has come so very far in such a short time.

The important thing Theo is we are all with you; brothers in the best sense of the word. You will never be alone again, not ever

 

[bikergary]

Theo,
As difficult and painful as it is, you are probably headed for a breakthrough. Keep up the hard work.

A lot of brothers here are pulling for you.
Gary