New Member's Story

New Member's Story
P

Peter 1950

Last week I joined MS, and after logging onto the chat room, found myself in a panic. I bailed. I think the discusson board is much more my style.

After 40 years, I'm trying to come to grips with a SA incident that occurred with a minister when I was in my early teens. For many years, I thought this was all a defect of mine. I hid it from everyone, not to protect him, but to protect me. I realized in 2004 that I'd been sexually abused by this man who "befriended" me at a time when I desperately needed some male attention. The abuse went on for 2-3 years until he moved to a different church in a different town.

For all these years, I've led a very isolated life. While I married and had two wonderful girls, I always thought I was attracted to men. Every time I masturbate, I think of men, not women. I enjoy sex with my wife, and I'm emotionally attached to her. I do love her, but I'm extremely confused by all my emotions.

The abuse has had many effects, but the biggest has to do with trust. I find it very hard to trust anyone, even my wife. (Even after 32 years.) I recently spoke with a college roommate and confessed to him that I'd had a crush on him during college. He told me that he couldn't relate to someone that "stayed in the closet" all this time. He asked me how I was going to "know for sure," and when I asked what he meant, he said he wasn't encouraging me to go out and have sex with a man, but he did note that if we were both 20 years younger, he might volunteer for the duty.

My friend's question led me to realize that I don't really want to have sex with another man. I want to have an emotionally-rich love life with my wife. But it's key to me to be honest and genuine. I told her everything about a year ago, and she's stuck by me during all of this. (She gets a lot of credit for that.)

But I was thinking of buying a book by Amy Proulx, entitled Brokeback Mountain. It's about two young cowboys who fall in love, but realizing that society will never accept them, they marry women and start families. The reviews suggest that the short story is all about regret. I'm a little afraid to buy it now.

My abuser stole a number of things, but one of the biggest thefts was my faith. I felt that religion was hypocritical, and avoided it at all costs. In two weeks, I'm trying to go to a church service, at which a good friend is the music minister and they'll be presenting a Christmas concert. I'm trying, after all these years, to let God back in my heart. I closed Him out after what happened.

While I have a long ways to go, in some ways I feel better than I have in 40 years. And part of that "feeling better" comes from being able to express myself on this discussion board. Thanks for that.
 
Peter,

I'm moved by your post. You just wrote the story of my life. Different order of events, different perp, same basic story.

What has really made a difference in my life was discovering that God really did have a genuine interest in me. I've had to deal with a lot of pain over the last couple of years since I began remembering what happened to me as a child, but It's OK because I'm headed for a better place. Every day it just gets better. I've been in therapy most of those 2 years. Was on medication for a while. But what has helped more than any other 1 thing as far as I'm concerned is finding this place called Male Survivor.

When I first stepped into the chat room I had to fight an overwhelming urge to cut and run. I've found such a great support system here. Guys will challenge me to think about what it is that I need. They show they understand and care in so many ways. It's been so healing for me.

It is so great to have a wife that understands the challenges guys like us face. My commitment is to her above all else, but I also experience those confusing emotions you spoke of. Sometimes it is hard to understand why she is willing to stand by me. I'm sure you have had those same thoughts. I know in my heart that I will NEVER do anything to betray her but it can be so frustrating sometimes to suddenly be broadsided by these thoughts that go against everything I stand for in my mairrage. I have to say though that since I've found this place things have gotten a lot better.

I guess what I am trying to say here is that you are not alone here brother. You will find here that others share your story, your frustrations, your joys, and your tears.

Welcome to MS, my friend. I hope you too find what you need here.

Courage my Friend,

John
 
Welcome Peter. I'm sorry for the reasons you needed to find us, but happy that you did. Are you also seeking the help of a professional counsellor/therapist? You sound like such a terrific family guy, I hope you are receiving the support you need to sort through some of the confused feelings brought on by the SA. Take care and thanks for sharing. Peace, Andrew
 
Welcome-
This is a very encouraging place for men like us
who share the same stories like the one you
describe above. I can relate to what you write very much. I was not abused by a member of my church growing up, but I questioned my spiritual
beliefs early on in my twenties, and I am now in my forties.
The thing that I have come to realize is how spiritual I am regardless of the affiliation I have to any church or religious order.
I have come to realize that it is my personal spiritual journey no matter where I am or what I am doing.
Regardless of the abuse, and that is a big one, there is a place inside of me that I've always sensed was there that was whole 9and untouched by abuse) and connected to a spiritual center. I had fleeting moments of connecting to it once I got counseling in my twenties and through my thirties, nut now that I am 45 I sense it stronger than ever. That is the place I strive to get to on a daily basis, becasue I too struggle with the rage, guilt, shame, sexual confusion and all those things you describe.
But, I know that that is not all of me, and so I
am learning to take care of the wounded boy inside who cannot trust, will not trust. But I am really starting to see the man in there with a stronger center, and that is a great feeling, knowing that the man I also am can take care of the boy.
Keep the faith, it can only get better-
 
Peter,

Welcome to MS.. Thanks for sharing your story... I can relate to so much of it also. I appreciate your honesty and hope that you will find God in a real way with out the hypocracy that you experienced in the past.

In reading some of the posts here I can see so much hurt that has come through the "Church" however, there are perps everywhere it just seems so much worse when someone in the faith violates everything that faith stands for.

Hopefully you will be able to find the truth deep down inside - I believe that if we really want to know God in His reality He will reveal Himself to us.

Your are awesome for sharing so much of your life, I hope we can be a great support for you here at MS.

Sincerely,
Rivers
 
John, Andrew, Roderick, Rivers,

Guys, thanks so much for your posts and support. After leaving that message last night, I wondered if anyone would respond, and when I logged on this morning, it meant everything to me to find that you all had posted responses. All your messages leave me feeling supported, and that helps much. I am getting help from a counselor, my second in this process, since we moved back to Atlanta this year and I had to find someone new. And my wife and I are seeing another counselor to deal with all the disruption my revelations have brought to our marriage.

So, I'm getting help, and I understand how powerful the help can be. That's why I reached out to you guys through this discussion board. It's been very difficult to trust others after my trust in that minister was so badly violated. Trying to find places where I can open up and trust others is pretty important to me at this stage. It's also really important to be honest and genuine, which I feel free to be here at this site, probably moreso than in nearly any other part of my life.

Thanks for all you've done already. I feel welcome, and I feel supported. You guys are great.

Peter
 
Peter,

That's great you have received such support and welcome already. Your initial feelings of panic are so typical of new guys and I think we could all relate to those.

The confusion you feel at the moment is so natural bro. Just recall that your sexual and emotional development was hijacked and wrecked right at the age when you really needed some reliable and safe male support. What you have now is built on that wreckage, so no wonder that you - and so many of us - feel so much confusion there.

I was not abused by a clergyman, but my abuser was an elder in our church and I think that did affect my feelings about God very badly. There are guys here with a lot more strength than me on this one, and I know they will be glad to talk to you.

Just set your own pace and get used to the site Peter, and I think being here will help you a lot.

Much love,
Larry
 
Peter, Didn't read the other posts, so will probably repeat a lot of stuff. Sorry about that. If you're like me (and believe me, Peter, you're like me) the sexual stuff has been driving you crazy all of your life...trying to figure out who you are and what you are and why you are and not being able to really be any one of them completely. It sort of makes a mess of things. Then one day you find this place, and there are so many men who feel exactly the same way you do, that you're sort of in shock for awhile. How in the world could someone feel this way, when it's such an impossible way to feel? We do....lots of us. So welcome, Peter. I would say we were twins, but after you got to know me, that might be a little frightening. So, I'll just say that I can really relate to all of the things you have said. I don't have the amazing solution to the puzzle, but I can sure talk about how hard it is to be trying to work the whole thing out. If you want to talk, I'm here....married 37 years, two adult kids. You name it, I got it. And boy, does it help to know that there is a reason for it all. Bobby
 
Peter.
Thanks for the post. Like reading my own stroy. Yes took 40 years for me to come face to face with my demon.
 
Larry, Bobby, Wojax,

You guys are great. It is so incredible to find that there are others who've experienced the same things I have. And it's such a mixed emotion for me.

I hate it that so many boys were abused, and I'm sorry for the pain that each of you have endured. But at the same time I'm so relieved to find brothers (typing the word brings tears to my eyes) who feel the same way and find it in their hearts to support one another. I've felt so alone for so long. I finally feel like there are people who can understand what life's been like.

I'm thankful to have found this site and thankful for each of you.

Peter
 
Peter, my sexual confusion began with abuse, my first experience of love was of sex with a man. So when ever I feel unloved I go back that same mode.

But now I know I have other ways of making me feel loved, ones that don't perpetuate my abuse. Now I immediately realise it is that same unloved child coming to the surface, looking for love, almost hungry for it, and I can see it being so vulnerable, it would do anything to get those little morsels of love.

That is when I get into action, soothe myself and fill myself with my love.

Sex is not the answer, love is. As I didn't get abused because of sex, I got abused because I was looking for love and I found it in the wrong place.

..........................................
Now for for your issue with Churches and their minister, allow me to add one more thing that the church or the minister have nothing to do with God, they are just places of worship and its clergy.

The only God you'd ever find would be the one you carry in there, within your heart. It is the way you feel inside when you are inside a church or looking at the ocean during sunset. It is when I feel my connection with the Infinite.

And that can happen anywhere, home, workplace or place like this where you come to rest, to heal and get freedom from abuse.
 
Welcome, Peter.
Thanks for sharing your story here. Same basic plot, slightly different cast of characters, and a twist or two at the end and it could be my story too. No two stories are exactly the same, but please take comfort in the underlying commonalities in all our tales.
You've found a good place where love and healing are available. Keep coming back.
Love, etc.,
 
Peter, welcome to us here. I already feel Ive known you for a while. Our familiar histories create a unique connection amongst all of us here. As you and others have said, this is an amazing place of trust and safety.

I was telling my therapist (my T) last week how I shared a breakthrough with a close friend here via a Private Message (PM). What I told her was very personal and triggering for me. She appreciated my honesty and was able to work with me on it. She was surprised that I had the level of trust to share that with another person here (let alone another male, as my abuser was male). I guess I was surprised too, but I explained to her that there is an incredible level of safety and trust here at the site with all these other guys.

Thats what I guess I wanted to say in my welcome Peter. You can trust the guys here. It will be an incredible source of release and safety for you.
 
This thread touches very close to a very tender spot. I need to say it but I can't yet. Just wanted you guys to know that I'm working on it. Will somebody please send me a whole truck load of courage.

Darrel
 
(((((((Darrel)))))))
 
Morning Star, Arthur, Grunty and Darrel,

Y'all are wonderfully supportive and I can't say how much it means to connect to someone who really understands.

Darrel, I want to reach out to you. The last two years have been incredibly painful and some nights are nothing but anguish, but it seems after the darkest nights come some of the very best days. I have hope for the future. My shrink says that hope is the stuff that fuels life and I think he's right.

Have hope. Better days are ahead.

Have courage. And on days when you don't have much, draw from those of us here. We're here to support one another. I've only been here a week, but it's been an enormous help to me.

I'm here and want to help, if I can.

Courage, Friend.

Peter
 
Darrel,

That kind of thing happens a lot to me here. I see a post and am reminded of something I need to say or figure out. It's part of the sharing atmosphere here.

What you need to say will come out when you are ready. In the meantime...

(((((Darrel)))))

Much love,
Larry
 
confusion about males and sexuality and needing all the time in the world to talk and no-one to talk to ever? yesss me too.
I was SA by a baptist minister regularly throughout my childhood to age 16, he had easy access to me, he was my father. He had operations to change sex to woman type transexual, starting when I was four. After he was not a man he had to stop being a baptist minister but he carried on abusing and mistreating his own children.
as she lay dying my mum apologised to me for the incident teenager when I was hauled out of bed and beaten, then told that mum and 'auntie' (my dad), would go and pray on their knees in their bedroom until I went and told them I had given my heart to Christ. I woke at 6 and told some lies, we prayed together at length, then a few weeks later I got baptised at the church we attended. That was the end of spirituality for me for a while. Very confused about that. Do or don't believe in god, not me. dust to dust. my mum, she didn't believe in god, she said, it was just sham, everything she said and did, ignoring the abuse she watched happening.
and men, i never had sex with a man and never wanted to, I like women and want sex with women, just naturally for me, i feel lucky about that, i'm feeling quite clear. Yet I fear i might one day wake up and find out i'm wrong. But really i think if I was secretly gay too i would haved secretly looked at males 'automaticaly'. But it is always ladies who catch my lizard sex eye, the whole time, a curve here or there. I have no idea about what a human male does, etc. Dad hated his maleness and I carried on holding some confusion for him. I'm sure, he wasn't. But when I see a male on TV I might notice, what a pretty face, but when i think, do I want to have sex oh no thanks! the ladies take my attention that way. but I never had a relationship that lasted or got deep, because I was not yet aware of what had happened to me! When i was 40 three years ago I identified as abuse, those things i saw in my memories of ;'then';. I saw the truth about the abuse I had suffered all my life including all the time after it stopped happening at home. That revelation moment came at the deepest point in a black pit of depression and stress symptoms in a big breakdown going on five years now, but now I go upwards more than downwards. After I got the truth i saw I needed some professional help to get over this big bad stuff. Luckily for me i have got some help in the real world world, where real people believe my story just as seriously as the guys here at MS do. Well I have gone through a lot of change since that truth was acknowledged and I am moving on, or slipping back, or laying face down screaming on this rocky wet hard road called recovery. welcome here peter1950
 
Delta,

My heart goes out to you. What an awful childhood. I certainly understand why religion is not for you. I can't tell you that it will ever be for me again. I just don't know yet. But I can tell you that my hypocrisy meter is a pretty good one, and I see a lot of it in the religious community.

The sexual confusion is a real struggle. Right now I'm feeling that what I really need is intimacy, not sex. I want, really want, to be able to be honest and genuine with people. But for so many years, I had this huge SECRET that I had to hide from everyone that it tainted all my interactions with everyone. It wasn't until last year that I realized that my experience was SA. I just saw it as my defectiveness. It was something to be kept from the whole world, as the whole world would think less of me if they knew. Consequently, I've been super careful in all my interactions for ever and ever.

I've hidden from the world. My wife opened the door to a life I didn't think I could have. When we met, I told her I was never getting married and never having children. My fear with children was that I'd never be a good enough father. When I first told my wife about the sexual abuse and sexual confusion, she asked was that why I was so relieved that our children were both girls. She asked was I afraid that I'd abuse a boy. I was shocked. And hurt. I'd never, NEVER do that to a kid. My fear was that I couldn't be the father that a son would need in order to make it through childhood better than I had.

Thanks for the welcome and another opportunity to get some stuff off my chest. The support that I feel from this site is incredible. I do need time to talk about all this, but this is nearly the only place where I can do so. I do have a therapist, but the time there goes by so quickly.

I'm glad that you have professional help to work through this mess. I'm sorry for everything that has brought you here, but it's clear that this site is a help to you (as it is to me) so I'm awfully glad that you found your way here. I understand what you mean about the darkness. Some days (and nights) are so full of anguish, it's awfully hard to take.

Thanks again for the welcome.

Peter
 
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