New Member

New Member
P

pontifixmax

Registrant
Hi there. I've been struggling with something for quite a while now and I just wanted to put it out there with hopes that I can get some feedback and hopefully some help with sorting it out. I'm a 34 year old male who at sixteen was living on the streets. Due to family breakdown I left a small town and ended up in Toronto.
During this time I was befriended by a man who was older than I am now. This person looked after me while I was homeless but he also frequently got medrunk and took sexual advantage of me in the process, which I hated him for. I don't know whether to call what happened to me abuse or assault since I was a teenager, not a child, + in my mind I allowed it to happen over long period of time, even though I was
sure that I didn't like it. The thing is I didn't know what to do to stop it or where I would go if I did. When it ended I told myself that was then, this is now, but for many years I've been struggling with some uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, particularly
concerning sexuality, so I can't help but wonder if there's a connection here. I'm in a long term
relationship with a woman and I don't like not being able to share what's going on with me, either emotionally or with regards to intimacy. She knows what happened and is completely accepting of me but she's a survivor too + I
don't know how to integrate this into our
relationship without making her feel unconfortable with regards to her own issues. Anyways if anyone can help me understand
this better it would be much appreciated. At least a reality check would be great. Please get back to me if you can. Thanks, J.S.
 
Welcome to MS!

I believe that a person is sexually abused/assaulted if they feel they are/were MADE to do things they were NOT comfortable with, and certainly didn't ask for.
There are many survivors here, and lots of wisdom that can be shared.

Your Healing Path has begun, and I hope that you will find all the support and consideration here, that is your due.

Whicker
 
JS,

New guys often have this ability to post a paragraph or two that would take pages to answer! Yours is one of those ;) . You raise a lot of issues, and I guess the first thing to say is hang with us. You will learn a lot here and no one will judge you or blame you.

One point to be made right off the bat is yes, you were abused. Abuse is when one person misuses power over another to gratify himself/herself sexually at the other's expense. You are not to blame for what happened when you were a teenager. You didn't want this guy's sexual attentions, but it was that or the street. You hit another nail on the head when you comment that you didn't know HOW to stop it or where you would go if you did. A LOT of us were in the same situation bro - it happens all the time, and it wasn't your fault.

What you share with your partner is a tricky issue. Basically it's a matter of trust, and if you have a long-term relationship perhaps the trust is there on both sides. What she would need to know, if you start going into details of what happened then and how you feel now, is that you are talking about what SOMEONE ELSE did. The abuse doesn't define you, no matter how messed up you feel about it. Have a look at the Friends and Family forum here, for example, and you will see how partners of other survivors feel.

Are you seeing a therapist? If not you should consider it. Recovery from this stuff is difficult, and a therapist will help you get through without retraumatizing yourself and reliving all the pain all over again.

Much love,
Larry
 
thanks for your input. Its affirming to hear from someone else that what happened to me was indeed abuse. I don't know why I have such a hard time accepting my experience for what it is. Perhaps because sometimes I feel that I was old enough to be able to put a stop to it but also because, as awful as it was, my experience hardly compares with what other's have been thru, whether it be my g/f or the stories I hear in the news about boys and girls subjected to extreme sexual violence in Africa for example. I know on an intellectual level that despite all the horrors of the world one shouldn't compare or diminish their own pain in relation to other's experience but emotionally I can't help but do so. Maybe I do this to forget about myself, or perahps its catharsis, I don't know. In relation to your question concerning a therapist I'm considering seeing one. On the outside life is going pretty well for me right now. I'm in university in a new city and I just started a new job that I love, but what's going on inside isn't "jiving", if U know what I mean, and this makes me feel at a loss, like I'm being ripped off from enjoying life to the fullest. Anyways thanks for reading this. Just writing it helps:) J.S.
 
Pontifixmax,
Welcome to MS Discussion Forum. Sorry for the reasons you need to be here. You'll find a great deal of support here and some great guys. I have nothing to add to what Larry et al said so eloquently and succinctly. Peace, Andrew
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top