New member with a different story

I just registered here and after reading the posts, I am not sure I quite fit in here..I was not sexually abused as a child...Back in Sept 1990 when I was 26 years old I was attacked and gang raped by 3 men..I was transfered from Florida where I was born and raised to a different State...About 2 months after I was transfered I returned home to close on my old house..When I flew back to where I was transfered to, I was anxious to get home and when the interstate was closed because of some accident, I decided to take get off the interstate and by pass the accident..As I am generally one with no sense of direction, it did not take long to become hopelessly lost...I had a road atlas in my trunk and also wanted to get another pack of cigarettes out of my duffle bag..The dumb shit that I am, for some reason locked the car doors and got the map and cigs out but shut the damn trunk with my keys laying inside the trunk...
It was around 9 at nite cold and drizzly ...About a half hour passed when a white work typevan pulled up and asked if I needed help..There where two guys I could see in the driver and passenger seat..After explaining what happened they said they would take me to a gas station to either call a lock smith or my wife to bring another set of keys..I thought I would have to call the lock smith as I had no idea where I was let alone explain to my wife how to locate me which I was at least 45 minutes away..
When I got into van I immediatly got the feeling this could be a mistake as they had been drinking which I could smell...
I am not that big of a guy 5'7 135 lbs, gymnastic type build..These guys where all around 6 foot and at least 200 lbs including the third guy I did not at first see who was sitting on the floor against the back doors of the van...
We drove a little bit and the guy driving made some remark to the guy in the passenger seat about there is a nice tight ass for you..I was at first not sure I heard right or what they were refering to..They pulled behind a building where I ended up being held down on my stomach with a small knife to my throat, two guys held me down, pulled my jeans down to my ankles and raped me than the other one did..I was thrashing around, screaming and cut my head open..All I remember is that I was thinking this has to be a bad dream and I would wake up...I never felt such pain in my life and wished they would just use the knife and slit my throat open and to get it over width..The third guy tried to force himself in my mouth but by than I was just crying like a baby and they shove me out of the van with my jeans still down around my ankles and a one shoe missing...I cant remember how long I laid there and don't remember much after that accept some how I found my way back to the car, smashed in the side window with a board laying nearby and crawled into the trunk from pulling the back seat down to get my keys..I dont even remember how I found my way home. Since I lived in a rural area, when I got near my house, I pulled to the end of the street near the woods changed my clothes, threw the ones I was attacked in into the woods and went home..I only told my wife when I walked in and she saw the blood that I cut myself breaking into the car cause I locked the keys inside...
For four days I was bleeding and threw my underware in the garbage so my wife would not see the blood..Noone was ever going to find out..This does not happen to men and and I should have fought harder and been able to defend myself...At least this was my thinking at the time..Nine months later I could not deal with living in that same area anymore, quit my job, sold the house and moved back to Florida..I used the excuse of being born and raise in Florda and my our families were there and just wanted to move back.( which was true anyway, even if the attack never happened)

After 10 years and severe depression, constant thoughts of suicide, a practically non existant sex life, reaccuring nightmares, lost all contact with male friends and other post tramatic stress symtoms, my wife threaten to divorce me..She could not deal with my mood swings and pent up anger and almost no sex life...
In January to save my marriage, I went to a therapist, was put on the anti depressant Zolof and thru the convincing of my therapist, the first step was to tell my wife everthing..At first she was very mad that I did not trust her enough to tell her 10 years ago and carried this secrete around, but she turned out to be the biggest factor in helping in my recovery...
I have been in therapy and on medication for 7 months now...Although I have alot of issues to still work out, I am beginning to feel like living again...
Sorry this is so long and thanks for listening

[ 07-12-2001: Message edited by: Mark I ]

[ 07-12-2001: Message edited by: Mark I ]

[ 07-12-2001: Message edited by: Mark I ]

[ 07-12-2001: Message edited by: Mark I ]

 

[Brian B14]

Hi Mark,

What a terrible ordeal that you went through. Most of the people here have been sexually abused as children (as I have) but their are a few who have similar stories to yours. You are more that welcome here. We don't get too hung up on the details of the abuse here, we are all here to deal with the after effects. I would be willing to bet that you are feeling a lot of the same feelings that we all are dealing with: shame, anger, guilt, etc.

I'm glad you are in therapy and have the support of your wife. I also like that little line you threw in near the end of your post "Although I have alot of issues to still work out, I am beginning to feel like living again..." Mark, you are more than welcome here. I look forward to reading your posts. You will find many supportive people here. You have come to the right place.

God Bless You,

Brian

Mark - my e-mail address is [email protected] if you want to talk.

[ 07-12-2001: Message edited by: Brian B14 ]

 

Mark,

Welcome to NOMSV. As far as I am concerned, you are more than welcome to post here and I am cerrtain that you will find much support from our members.

You certainly have been through a terrible ordeal and I am truly sorry that this happened to you. I am glad that you have finally decided to start talking about what you are feeling. That is often one of the most difficult steps in the healing process.

Just to let you know, I am a state certified rape crisis counsellor. The things that you are feeling are completely normal although it may not seem that way. When you were raped, you handled it to the best of your abilities. If you had made them angry, who knows what they might have done to you.

If you have any questions or there is anything that I might be able to answer or if you just need to talk, my email address and my ICQ number are posted in my profile.

I am glad that you found us.

Peace,

Jim

[ 07-12-2001: Message edited by: Jim ]

 

Hello, Mark, and welcome. I am glad you came here. Yo are as much a victim of seuxal abuse as is anhone else here. Whether the abuse occured in your childhood or adulthood, the effects are similar.

Please come back and feel free to seek as much support as you need!

Lance

 

Thank you all very much..I had no idea a place like this existed...For 10 years I thought I was the only one this happened to..It just does not happen to men..My therapist spent a lot of time working this part out with me..She alone has treated 5 other men with the same problem in the last 15 years...She said, like me did not report it to the police, told no one, kept it all inside, until their world fell apart like mine.....
Thank You all again for the welcome and personal reponses...I hope I can give back some support to those in the same situation...

[ 07-13-2001: Message edited by: Mark I ]

 

Im glad that you told your wife. But don't let it turn into some thing where that's all you think about when you see her and talk to her. I read that's common. She's hurting for you and on her own too. Don't let this ruin your life, cause then those guys win. You get your life back!

 

I have more to say. You'll read alot of posts from guys who got kicked out of the house or whose wives left them or who left their wives or who ran away from their wives or girlfriends, and then realized that they threw away the best thing they had. Im pretty new here, but already I seen a bunch of posts like that. It hits close to home cause that happened to me. I was a shit to my wife, and she had enought but now I realize that I had no right to do that and I want her back. A bunch of guys have said they want their wife or girlfriend back. Your wife is supporting you. Thats the best thing for you, man. You don;t have to go thru this alone. Right now your probably in no shape to do things for her but you don't have to push her away. Please don't do that. You;ll regret it later if you do. Being a man also means doing whats right. It will be tough but it's the right thing to do. Your very lucky. Good luck to you, brother.

 

Thank you Big Bear...
My wife telling me she wanted a divorce in January was a big wake up call to me..She means more to me than anything and that is what pushed me to get help..It was difficult in the beginning telling her everything..With my therapist's help, she made me see things the way my wife was seeing things..Having no idea why I was acting the way I was due to the depression and anger and all...Between the anti- depressants I have been on and the therapy, our relationship has made a complete turn around..It was like finding each other again..We got married when we were 20 while still in college...16 years is a long time to throw away...
She now knows every horrid detail of the attack..We talked a lot about it at the beginning but now just talk about the therapy sessions when I get home from them...I try to reassure her that I am not going back to cutting her out of everything, but after a while there is a time when I am just talked out of it and want to move on...Now anytime she asks what is going on and what I am feeling about it, I tell her, but usually don't bring up unless there is something that triggers something that bothers me, like something on the tv..

[ 07-13-2001: Message edited by: Mark I ]

 

mark this is a safe place from all pain caused by sexual abuse at any age. rely on your therapist and let us help you as we help each other. many of the people here have postings that have helped me. we welcome you with open arms and respect you for who you are-a survivor.

 

[SoCalJohn]

Marc,

damn sorry to hear about what happened to you, what a nightmare to have to go through.

This is a good place and your certainly welcome here, i am glad your talking about it now, dude, that is a good direction to be going in , secrets just plain suck i think.

I look forward to getting to know you more.

John

 

John, Silentnomore,
Thaks very much for your welcome..I had no idea when I registered at the site, the degree of support y'll give everyone here..Y'all rock...
thanks again...As I said I hope I can give something back here...
Mike