New Member Introduction (Triggers?)
I found this forum today, registered and thought I should introduce myself. My name is Doug and I am 34 years old. I have survived and now I'm beginning the long arduous process of recovering. I was raped the first time at the age of 7 or 8 by a male neighbor who was in his early teens. Mike continued to rape, sodomize, and sexually abuse me until the age of 10 when we moved to a different state. My first disclosure of this abuse was in my first drug/alcohol rehab, at age 16. It helped some but I continued to be confused about my emotions, my sexual identity, and how to live in this world. I did rehab again at 19 and did some more specific abuse counseling while I was there. I struggled immensely with the belief that I was at fault, that I would be turned gay, and that I was never going to get over what happened to me. I drifted in and out of sobriety, left my family and ended up alone in Portland OR in 1992. I tried to make a new start here, and have managed to make this my home. I started a career, made friends, got into a relationship and became a father by 1996. That brought the pain on like nothing ever had before. Here was this perfect, innocent little boy who came into this world needing me love him and needing to love me. I didn't deal well with that - in fact I ran away from him and the relationship in as many ways as I could. I survived several hardcore drug relapses and suicide attempts and finally sobered up again in 2000. Though the relationship with his mom was over, I did my best to his Father. My Son's mom began to struggle with her drug abuse soon after and 1 year later I was awarded temporary protective custody. Six months and a bloody lawyer battle later, I was award permanent physical custody of my then 5 year old Son. I got into the current relationship with my fiance at about the same time. We moved in together in 2002 and bought our first house last year. My career continued to go very well, I started my Son in kindergarten, and tried my god-damned-est to pursue a normal life. But the memories and effects of the abuse would not relent. I was distant and disconnected from my Son and my fiance. I was depressed, full of rage, self-doubt, and shame. Through a relationship counselor we began to see in August I started to wade back into the effects and details of the abuse. It turns out not only was I a survivor of sexual abuse, so was my fiance AND my counselor. I stumbled into the reality of how much pain and loss I still carried late last year, about the same time my fiance began her own recovery. I've been to SIA a few times and that was a big step. I've never sat in a room face to face with a group of people who get it. Painful but relieving. Currently, I'm diggin deeper into the effects of being abused. The fear, the shame, the rage at my abuser for doing it and at god for letting it happen. I'm beginning to write about what I've carried inside me for so long. I'm beginning to see how my way of coping with the trauma of my childhood is damaging to me and those around me. I'm going to begin looking into a male survivor group and possibly a weekend retreat. I want so badly to know myself as I really am, good, bad, or indifferent. I want to love and be able to be loved by my family. I want to reclaim the innocence and beauty of my childhood so I can truly experience what Fatherhood can be.
So that's my journey so far in abridged form. I've been moved in many ways by the experiences all of you have shared on this forum. They are painful and sometimes terrifying to read, but they all remind me I AM NOT ALONE and THERE IS HOPE. I look forward to getting to know all of you further.
So that's my journey so far in abridged form. I've been moved in many ways by the experiences all of you have shared on this forum. They are painful and sometimes terrifying to read, but they all remind me I AM NOT ALONE and THERE IS HOPE. I look forward to getting to know all of you further.
