New member, here for help

New member, here for help
D

dmcdd

Registrant
Hi,

I'm new here. I wish I could post an inspiring message of hope and strength, but I don't feel I have either one of those things.

Here's the reader's digest version: My dad was the perp. The abuse was mild compared to alot of the stories I read, but milder or not, it still wound up hitting the Frappe button on my psyche. I grew up not really knowing boundaries with other people. I didn't know what 'private parts' were. There were problems with the neighborhood kids my own age. I wondered why their parents got so upset when my dad just said 'you grow and learn'. At 16 years old it finally dawned on me what was wrong. I put in my time at home until I left after college (which my parents paid for). I guess they tried to be good.

There wasn't a whole lot of people that liked my parents. We belonged to a church - I figured out later on that my family was one of the ones that people put up with because it's the Christian thing to do. Socially inept is a pretty good term for my family.

I've written them off. I haven't had any contact with my family for about 10 years. I feel REALLY good about that. I confronted my dad, informed my Mom, my brother and my sister. I warned them to keep my nieces and nephews away from him. None of them believed me. My dad just said 'I don't know what you're talking about'.

I've seen several therapists and Docs. They used terms like PTSD, Clinical Depression, and one got me to try Prozac. I'm off it now, and not in therapy. Other than giving me some hints on dissapating a huge pool of anger, they didn't really help.

I'm married to a great woman that's been patient with me for 15 years, but the marriage is strained to the point that she wants to go to college to make sure she can support the kids after she leaves me. I have two wonderful sons ages 6 and 1.

Here's the current problem: I really don't like my dad. I don't like the way he looked, the way he acted, or the things he said. So, with all those negative feelings- How come I walk like him. Say the same things to my sons that he said to me. Overeat just like he did. Indulge in porn just like he did. Sigh when I'm loosing an argument just like he did. Bark at my wife and kids just like he did.

Other than the SA, I'm becoming a freakin carbon copy of a man I hate! It's like I'm on a waterslide, the destination is fixed, and I got no way of stopping.

I don't know what to do.
 
dmcdd, firstly welcome here, it sounds like a real dilemma you are in.

Dont know whether I can be of much help, but have you tried having group therapy with maybe just you and your wife. Probably this crap is having effect on the kids as well.

You are not your father, choose other ways of living your life, you dont have to be that copy.
I think we often dont see the situation as it is, because we think we can handle it,

take care,

ste
 
dmcdd,

Welcome to Male Survivor. I can relate to a lot of what you are telling us. My father was not my perp, but I can relate to the wife issue. I was married 21 years before I finally told my wife about my abuse. She was already college educated and could have walked out on me anytime she wished. She was about ready to walk and one night I finally told her. The entire time we were married, she thought it was her, something she was or was not doing. I was irritable, rude, short with the kids, wanted to be left alone, didn't like intimacy, didn't want to be held or touched. God I can't imagine why she would have wanted to leave me...LOL. She is now my best friend along with being my wife...Totally supportive (as much as I allow her to be).

Anyway, does your wife know about these issues you have? Or are you like me and think that you have been doing a swell job of keeping them hidden from everyone? Open up with her, and let her in. Let her know how you feel about her and let her know that you want her there to help you through this. They surprise you, guy. They almost always come through for us. And it will surprise you how less irritable you will become with the kids.

Just because you say some of the same things that your father did, does not make you your father. As long as you aren't doing the things your father did to you, then you are not like your father. Physical characteristics cannot be helped to a degree. Like it or not, you're carrying around the man's DNA.

I'm sorry that your siblings and your Mom do not believe you. In time they may be more understanding of you and for all you know, they too could be in denial.

I'm glad you found Male Survivor. The men here will understand you more than anyone else, unless they have been sexually abused too. They understand your feelings, fears, and concerns.

Anytime you feel that you may want to talk, you are welcome to send me a PM. I will always respond. I'm not an expert, but I'm a good listener, and at times, after years of keeping this stuff inside, that is what we need most...someone to listen.
 
dmcdd
I get to look more like my old man every day, except that I'm about 8 inches taller. It's genetics and nothing else.

What goes on in our heads is up to us, OK, there are traits that I have that reflect my dads, but I am my own man, I make my own choices.

A huge amount of that is down to therapy, it opened my mind to new ideas and ways of thinking. It allowed me to discover MY answers to MY problems, and I would always recommend that CSA Survivors find a good therapist that specializes in, or at least has good experience of, CSA Survivors and their particular problems.
'General' therapists often have limited knowledge of our problems.
And the ones you mention are regular problems to guys like us unfortunately.

We can overcome them, many guys here have dome so or are fighting a damn good fight.
Stick with it, you can get your life back.

Dave
 
Thanks for the replies. I'm glad I'm here.

My wife does know everything. She's been very supportive while I worked through the anger. She's taught me that sex is a good thing (well, when she's not mad at me ;) ).

I'm hesitant to try another therapist. I've been to 6 of 'em. 2 were supposed to be 'very well versed' in SA recovery. The therapy just didn't hit home. I was as honest and open as I possibly could be, I hid nothing, no memory or emotion. It felt good to get it all out, and I know that the specifics can never come to light due to confidentiality.

While cathartic (sp?) the therapy did little to help me change the traits I view as symptoms or results of the SA. I'm thinking that I might just need someone that's been there to say "It's just a habit, and can be changed".

I'd like to think that I can learn to keep a more even temper without suppressing anger.

I'd like to think that anyone, SA survivor or not, can learn to walk taller without a lurching pace.

I guess it's self-control or self-discipline I'm seeking. I wanna be in control.

I'm lucky in that I've inherited more maternal traits than paternal, I don't physically resemble my dad. My uncle was very fond of asking my Mom what the milk man looked like. But I keep catching myself 'being' like him.

It's so tough to know what bad stuff is a result of SA and what bad stuff is just life. I want to put SA in a box, wrap it up and burn it in some deep woods manly Jack Daniels fueled fervor.

So does anyone think they'll come up with DNA transplants any time soon? :D
 
Hi dmcdd,

Welcome to the club, I wish none of us needed to belong here great as it is.

I identify with the struggle not to be like the father. I tried to be as opposite as possible. I do look like him in ways, but I dont behave as he does, around children I can hear his voice in me when they are behaving in (for me) inconvenient ways. I can choose not to say the things he says, I guess thats harder when its ones own children.
My father certainly left his mark on me I internalised some of his worst character traits, luckily not the sex abuser, my ability to deny, self-delude and be the victim being the ones I have worked hardest at changing with considerable success I believe.
I dont feel its inevitable that we are doomed to be the same. Its honest to admit to the unpleasant similarities but I know they can be changed.

I was also thrown out of my family for over a decade. I have seen one brother twice in the last few months and have had yearly phone contact with a sister for a couple of years. The dad seems to have pressed them into the contact as he is busy trying to look normal. None of them believe me and he wont talk about it. I like you told, as I feared that he is still abusing. The contact Ive had recently showed me what a favour they did, not that it felt like that then.

I know that we can change, I gave up trying myself for some years but I have made real gains and I can make more.

I am sorry you didnt get the help you needed in therapy, I luckily have found it very useful and would recommend trying it again.

Welcome to the site its a really good place.

Rustam.
 
dmcdd,

Quote: ˝ I guess it's self-control or self-discipline I'm seeking. I wanna be in control.˝

This is something that hits me right in the center. Unfortunately I do not know any appropriate answer for myself :( .

I think that it is obvious that you are quite different than your dad but your fears are putting you in this endless loop like trap and you are feeling desperate because of it.

Try to not be frozen by fear and anger, just be yourself.


By the way I am very glad that you find us.

Ivo
 
I once did some basic Psychology on a Teacher Training Course and realised that I was one of Pavlov's Dogs.

Basically the dogs were conditioned to associate cetain sounds / smells etc to the action of being fed. The experiment meant that the dogs would salivate at the sound of their feeding bowls being put out, even if they were not about to be fed.

I could go on & on with this one, but I now realise that certain elements would trigger me even if nothing was going to happen - I am now working very hard at rewinding the conditioning process & yes it can be done (although I think reversing the process will take as long as the initial process itself took).

Does this make sense? If not try a search on the net for Pavlovs Dogs - you may find a better explanation.

dmcdd - yes you can 'unlearn' behaviours (not necessarily forget them)- the fact that you can recognise them is a major starting point.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Pavlov's dogs.... I never thought of my problem in that context before. I'm gonna have to give that some serious thinking time. Even if the traits I don't like aren't pavlovian, maybe I can replace them that way.

Thanks... even if it doesn't work, at least I'll be learning and moving - and that's better than geting dusty.
 
The analogy to Pavlov's dogs is a good one.

I, too, did not seek help until I was forced to by the thought of my wife leaving. She had asked our physician for help in finding a counselor. I had mentioned that maybe my prior SA might be the cause of my behaviour. She had at least asked the Dr. for a therapist with experience in CSA.

She still gets extremely angry with me about my past bahaviour, but at least I now I have the POWER in ME to change my current and future actions.

You just have to deal with your issues and remember to rely on those here and around you for strength and guidance. I know I do!
 
As others have said, welcome here. I wish you had no reason to find a place like this. But now that you have, I hope you use it, and find it to be helpful to you in the healing process.

You are not a carbon copy of your father. If you have not abused your children, you are not a carbon copy of him. I understand how disturbing it can be to feel that though. My mother will sometime comment to me about certain mannerisms I have that remind her of my father and I feel disgust. But I know I am nothing like him, and I am nothing like the man who sexually abused me. Not in any way that matters. Neither are you.

Is your wife aware of your past? If not, you may want to consider telling her, just so that she can understand maybe a bit more of some of the strain and upset that you are under with all this.

Try to take good care of yourself, and be patient with yourself.

leosha
 
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