new meaning for love

new meaning for love
T

thunderbolt

Registrant
my counsiler has asked me to give a new meaning to the word love,yes the thought of haveing the ability to change that made me all most brake down but i held my ground and tried to bring the posablity to light, it only caused me to sink farther, it was to overwelming, it scared the hell out of me, i felt like a child standing at the screen door to the world and very fritend of what was out side,i will have to wait to do that later....
 
while speaking with my counsiler,i came up with this though when she said love,we know my meaning as it stands,love is sex, but the picture i saw was of me wraped in big thick chains, black, i could not move,just like float, i say that because i could not feel the floor beneath me, it was so dark i could not see if there were walls or ceiling, it did seem as if the black did stop some where not too far,i did not move , just seemed to float around,and all the while i was not in my body of chains, i could go back and forth but only seeing from the top, my head to feet that is the top of my head as if looking down to my feet,i was not in my body of chains,weird, i did not feel any thing, i think that this love controls.....thanks
 
what is love anyway?

Why did we have to hurt?

Why, why, why?

How do we stop abuse?

by letting the secret out and talking

I get a cold picture of your new version of Love thunderbolt, but I kind of understand.
It is scary.
 
What is love? We;re not the ones that would know. I bet that most of us were abused by people we thought loved us. So how do we know what love is? Someone abused us and hurt us emotionally and physically, and it was someone that we thought cared about us. No wonder we don't know how to love and don't know what love is. I bet that there's a bunch of guys that think that love has to do with sex, who think that they love someone because they have sex with them. I think that love is tht I want to treat someone better than my abuser treated me, and I want to protect her from any hurt. I want to be with her and I want her to be proud of me. I feel all of those things with my wife now. I know I hurt her but I';ll protect her if she'll let me now.
 
Feeling safe enough to trust you enough to be vulnerable to you hurting me where I'm most sensative.

You nurturing that place I've let you in to.
 
i cant,i dont know how to feel, i dont know what feelings are,well before my monster came to vist me, my mother had a vister too, she could not give us kids any of this trusting ,loveing ,nurturing stuff, then my childhood was distroyed and from the age of 8yrs on i have never found a safe enough place to trust be vulnerable or sensitive, i do try my best with my counsiler, i know you not these words aranged to rip at my core,my anger is usefull here, this love you are so sensitive ,trusting and vulnerable about sounds like a pillow to lie a wary head upon, i know love to be a bolder to smash my head beneath, if you can change this to save my life,,,please show me this senitivity that has been hurt so that i may have new memories of this love,,,,,im sorry
 
Actually, I wish I knew myself. I only think this is what it would look like if I ever got to experience it.

When the shrinks asked my what my goals were i always stated them in the past tense. So long as I was moving away from where I had been I believed I was moving in the right direction. One challenged me to describe where I wanted to go. I spent a lot of time watching people I envied. What was it about "that couple" I envied.

Then a friend, another survivor going through a rough period of flashbacks, gave me a complement. The thanked me for listening to him rant, he said he felt safe with me. Well he's a slight and efeminent homosexual and I'm a pretty big guy with a prison record so I figured he meant safe like in protect him. He corrected me, he ment safe in like he just knew somehow that I would never deliberately do anything to betray his trust. Safe like in I would never discount, disbelieve, or disrespect him.

Well this was a completely foreign concept to me. Emotional Safety? What was it, where did it fit in the context of my past, what would it look like if I experienced it today? Afterall, it sounded like great stuff so I didn't want to miss out on it if it were going on all around me today.

That was about when the afore mentioned homework assignment was due so I wrote something like this in my journal. When I read this thread I remembered the journal, cleaned up my grammer a bit and shared it here.

I have yet to experience what this says but I think it's what is shared by that ideal couple I keep seeing.
 
The post by jerunamuck got me thinking. He said love is when you let yourself be vulnerable with somebody. I wonder if that;s why so many of us have fucked up marriages, because we suddenly felt too vulnerable like we did with our abuser? You love your wife, and most of us were abused by family or good friends, people we loved and trusted, and then they do this to us. Now here you are, an adult, you love someone, but the abuse catches up with you. Do you suddenly feel so vulnerable with the person you love that you can;t be with her cuz it reminds you of ghe abuse? I wonder if that happened with me.
 
love, trust, vulnerable, this is the shit that got us me into this twisted world of hell,i do thing these trashy words are used instead of the real ones, take advantage ,
the place i pain at is the place i stay away from,as i said before stand back your to close to the bar to see them,,,,,,,
i allwise feel im on the dark side,

it happen to me too,,,,,,,,
 
It;ll be hard for me to trust men, I know that. But I trust the one I love, I hope I can open up to her and give back to her instead of just taking, if she;ll let me someday. I still feel vulnerable with certain people maybe everyone, i don;t know. I still feel like I have to protect my kids even tho they;r old enough to look out for themselves for the most part since they;re teenagers. I still have some work to do on trust.
 
I reread this thread a bunch of times after what happened last week. I posted about it last weekend. I got to wondering, what about needing somebody? Is it ok to feel like you need someone or is that unhealthy too?
 
Needing someone, when you don't care who that person might be, is unhealthy.

When you can identify what is missing in your life, and that is a particular person, in a particular relationship, I don't think it is necessarily unhealthy (unless the relationship was unhealthy to begin with).

I was talking in generalities, Big Bear. Feeling like you need Kimmie doesn't sound unhealthy to me, bud. I hope you're able to talk it out with her.

Good luck!

J
We're in this together.
 
no needing, as a child this need for giudence, and all the other bullshit that goes with it, thats the shit of want, need is crule, that act of sex that makes them feel powerful thats need, need makes them have to give it away, need is pitifull, it cries till it is feed,never full alwise needing, needing someone is a powerless sex act pitifly crying for more, who needs it ?
 
Thanks J. I don;t love Kimmie because I need her, I need her because I love her (sounds like a valentine or something). We had a whole life together and her love made me feel better about myself. with her I felt like I could maybe be a normal person and fit in. when you love someone you trust them too and she;s just about the only person that I really trust and am comfortable with all the time.
 
well big bear that tought would spell out what my wife feared all along after finding out about my abuse, she alwise thought i didnt love her but that i would change, she knows better now and hurts her deeply, if love is trust, then the person im putting trust in now (counsilor) is the one i love is that what your saying, should i be happy and persue or is this trouble, im waiting for her to use me anyway but she has been very proficanle about the whole thing i see her as a mother right now, your love,trust stuff fucks that up, for now i will stay my thinking its more safe, thanks.... LIST]
 
Sorry, man. All I can do is share what I learn about me. It might not apply for you. What works for me nmight not work for you.

[ September 05, 2001: Message edited by: big bear ]
 
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