New Here

[FuriousMick]

I have been reading this forum for a while now and wasn't sure if I really wanted to get involved. But, here I am. Mad as hell and trying to piece things together from my childhood. I was sexually assaulted from 7-10 years old by a neighbor that over the years I have truly wished dead.

Since my son was born 3 years ago, my hostile and violent feelings towards that piece of sh%$ that raped me has almost taken over my life. I have been through years and years of therapy, have all kinds of diagnosed "disorders", on meds, and still I feel like I'm imploding. I'm former military with PTSD prior to enlisting. I didn't even know what PTSD was until after I was discharged. Went through some things while active that made my PTSD worse. It's hard to explain.

Well I'm here and with time, I'm hoping to share my story.

 

[kcinohio]

Thanks for your intro. Sorry for what brought you here. But, glad you have a place to vent and process what you've been through. You'll find lots of men here can relate to your anger.

 

[woodenshoes]

Furiousmick

Please love your son they don't come around everyday. I sorry for what happen. I know dealing with what happened to you will consume your thoughts try pace yourself. It happened over a period of time and it will take twice as long to peel it apart and start the healing process

Ws

 

[victor-victim]

thank you for your honesty.

welcome to our community.

hope to hear more from you.

 

[Still]

FuriousMick,

The rage and outrage can be mighty powerful and certainly are justified. You've noticed the shift toward this mode since your son was born...even more understandable and justified.

Please don't let your days with him be poisoned by what the perp did to you. Be confident that you are his protector and you will always hold that role. Just as we fight the Eastern wars over there, and not in our homes, I hope you can do the same with this battle...fight it outside the family dynamic.

I wish you well. You have joined an astounding resource and guys who understand it all. When you say "x," we fully understand what "x" means. So feel comfort in that, as that is huge.

 

[KMCINVA]

FuriousMick

Welcome and you are dealing probably with a double whammy of PTSD--from the sexual abuse and your military experience. I am sorry therapy and meds have not helped. Have you tried support groups, being with people who understand what you endured as a child can feel you pain.

Rage and anger is a horrible thing, it controls you and holds you back. I found sharing my story and feelings with people helped me to overcome the anger within me. It took time and today, I have not feelings for my abuser and for those that made life difficult as I unraveled, I only hope they find the source of their anger and they get help. Getting to this place took time and much pain. You have taken the first steps and starting to share how you feel and your story should help.

You may need some professional support because you said you feel as though you are imploding. You need someone who understands trauma, sexual abuse and what PTSD is and how it controls your life.

Remember we are here for you, no judgment just support. We have lived through this and continue to live through it. It is a struggle and healing can be an emotional roller coaster. Please share, vent when you feel the need are comfortable.

Heal well.

Kevin

 

[Jude]

.... my hostile and violent feelings towards that piece of sh%$ that raped me has almost taken over my life.

Welcome Mick,

Rage on, you've got plenty to be angry about and holding it in has never worked for any of us. Just remember to direct your anger where it belongs, and not at the good people in your life.

Jude

 

[giuro]

I am using technique of pillow-pounding to discharge anger.It helps me a lot. (The process is described at Co-Counseling International's website,it is a non-pro therapy venue)

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi FuriousMick, and welcome.

First of all, Thank You for your military service, but sorry to hear that period in your life only made the PTSD worse. I'm glad you did decide to get involved here.

I think you've used two key words in your intro.

with time

It takes time, a lot of time, to process and deal with the effects that "the neighbor" did to you as a child. There's probably no better place to show your hostile and violent feelings than here, where guys have been through the same emotional roller coaster and have compassion and a non-judgemental understanding about these thoughts.

But leave those thoughts here, go easy on yourself, direct all this toxic thought to the perp, and treat your son with loving care and protection so, when the time comes, he'll avoid what you've had to endure.

 

[Daryl X.]

Welcome, FuriousMick! Mad is hell is a healthy response, and I'm so happy you're here.

 

[Barracuda312]

Hi, FuriousMick. Thank you for sharing part of your story. It takes a lot of courage to take that first step. I'm very sorry for what you've been through, and I admire you for persevering. You must be a really strong person.

I can certainly relate to that 'imploding' feeling. What helps me is reminding myself that I've made it this far and there's nothing I can't overcome if I just stay the course. Visualizing all the good things in my life also helps me through the challenging moments.

We're here for you, and we'll be there to support you however we can.

 

[Seekingwisdom]

Hello FuriousMick
Welcome so sorry for what was done to you but so thankful you've found and joined this MS site. Thank you for your service. I (we here) feel your pain and anger as it is a familiar emotions for us here who have similar abuse in our past.

Please take care of yourself brother on this healing journey so you can give your son a great gift; you becoming whole. Take this at your own pace one step at a time and we are here for you.

 

[sorryson]

I have been here several months. I can say I am feeling better each day. I sometimes feel like I am repeating myself but no one makes me feel bad or judges me for it. I find I use MS to get my thoughts together which are many times all over the place. I have found people I feel connected to.

The abuse has been with me along with many other family problems that I did not realize were problems. I was brainwashed by family to believe they were perfect and an abuser who brainwashed me to believe I wanted what he did to me. I too have been told I have symptoms of PTSD from the abuse and this along with abandonment issues because of Mama and her family has made feel empty forever. It also created a codependent relationship with Mama, not as bad as the one my brother developed. I want it over. I only now realize I have to work at facing the issues and accept it was the adults who created my mess, my world to meet their needs. I was the child and they should have been looking out for me. Scream, rant and rave we will listen and understand.

Thank you for being here. It helps me to realize I am not alone.