New here
Hi,
I'm not exactly sure where to begin...
I'm a 24 year old college student and for the longest time I've been living with an assorment of problems ranging from depression, drug problems, sexual/pornography problems, intamcy issues, problems with food, etc etc
About a year ago I decided to try to turn my life around, I started to stop doing all of the things that I do that were self destructive. I stopped doing drugs, stopped compulsivly looking at porn, started working hard in school, and had a generally imnproved outlook on my life.
It was really difficult for me, because there were some things, like sexual urges, that I felt I had to supress, I couln't figure out why I was doing certain things, but I knew that they were bad, so I forced myself to stop.
So I thought I was doing ok, except for I still had problems with food, I would starve myself, then binge, then feel guilty. I realized that there was something holding me back, yet I couldn't figure out exactly what.
Then, last week it hit me...I was sexually abused as a child. I have no memories, but everything in my life points to it. I went to a bookstore and looked at books about child abuse and started crying. I got home and cried in bed until I went to sleep, and when I woke up, I cried some more.
Looking back, I'm pretty sure it happened when I was 6, we had a neighbor, an old man who I used to visit by myself. We had moved to a new town and I didn't have any friends. I remember having intense problems as a child, I had nightmares, horrible tantrums, and a couple of times I tried to violently attack my sister, thank God I was never successful. My family always thought that I was having problems adjusting to the new town and school. When I've looked back on it, I always figured that too. But now I realize that it was probably something much worse.
A couple of nights ago I had trouble sleeping, and i began to have some flashbacks...though they were really hazy, i'm not sure if they were real or not.
crying feels good, acknowledging that this may have happened to me feels good. But on the other hand I hate that this is such a slow process, I really want to get it over with. I'm tired of hiding from this, i'm tired of not being able to love or be loved, and i want to live a normal life. I realized that everything I ever thought about love and sex stems from this abuse. i hate what it did to me, and how i always felt that everything is my fault, that there was something wrong with me...
I'm starting therapy in a couple of weeks, though I wish it were sooner. My family has been more or less supportive, though one of my siblings suggested to me that since i don't remember, that I might be making it up, which really messed with me at the time. On the other hand, I've been reading some of the other posts where victims have been called outright liars by their families, I think I should consider myself lucky in that regard.
anyways, i just wanted to get this all out, thank you for listening...
I'm not exactly sure where to begin...
I'm a 24 year old college student and for the longest time I've been living with an assorment of problems ranging from depression, drug problems, sexual/pornography problems, intamcy issues, problems with food, etc etc
About a year ago I decided to try to turn my life around, I started to stop doing all of the things that I do that were self destructive. I stopped doing drugs, stopped compulsivly looking at porn, started working hard in school, and had a generally imnproved outlook on my life.
It was really difficult for me, because there were some things, like sexual urges, that I felt I had to supress, I couln't figure out why I was doing certain things, but I knew that they were bad, so I forced myself to stop.
So I thought I was doing ok, except for I still had problems with food, I would starve myself, then binge, then feel guilty. I realized that there was something holding me back, yet I couldn't figure out exactly what.
Then, last week it hit me...I was sexually abused as a child. I have no memories, but everything in my life points to it. I went to a bookstore and looked at books about child abuse and started crying. I got home and cried in bed until I went to sleep, and when I woke up, I cried some more.
Looking back, I'm pretty sure it happened when I was 6, we had a neighbor, an old man who I used to visit by myself. We had moved to a new town and I didn't have any friends. I remember having intense problems as a child, I had nightmares, horrible tantrums, and a couple of times I tried to violently attack my sister, thank God I was never successful. My family always thought that I was having problems adjusting to the new town and school. When I've looked back on it, I always figured that too. But now I realize that it was probably something much worse.
A couple of nights ago I had trouble sleeping, and i began to have some flashbacks...though they were really hazy, i'm not sure if they were real or not.
crying feels good, acknowledging that this may have happened to me feels good. But on the other hand I hate that this is such a slow process, I really want to get it over with. I'm tired of hiding from this, i'm tired of not being able to love or be loved, and i want to live a normal life. I realized that everything I ever thought about love and sex stems from this abuse. i hate what it did to me, and how i always felt that everything is my fault, that there was something wrong with me...
I'm starting therapy in a couple of weeks, though I wish it were sooner. My family has been more or less supportive, though one of my siblings suggested to me that since i don't remember, that I might be making it up, which really messed with me at the time. On the other hand, I've been reading some of the other posts where victims have been called outright liars by their families, I think I should consider myself lucky in that regard.
anyways, i just wanted to get this all out, thank you for listening...
