New Here

New Here
B

BFREE

Registrant
I am determined to heal. The drugs stopped working long ago. Workaholism has led to burn out and complete apathy. I Feel that I've reached some depth beyond depression.
When I was kid I delivered newspapers, the man who delivered the papers to my doorstep befriended the paperboys by buying them beer or giving them pot or whatever. Once while I was at his house he drugged me and sodomized me as well. I put it out my mind untill about six months ago i was watching a movie that brought it all back and I started crying hysterically. Since then I didn't really do anything about it except pray for healing but, my life has gotten steadily worse. I would like to just move on but I seem to be emoitionally crippled. I have no social life apart from work and can't stand this isolation anymore. I have missed so much work lately I will probably lose my job. I told one of my friend's about it who I've known for years and we don't see each other anymore, I think it may have stirred up his sh*t. I don't really know where to start, this break down has been coming for a long time. Now thats its here I want to start taking positive actions. Looking for ideas of where to begin a program of recovery. I try to be pragmatic but the emotional turmoil is clouding my judgement. I have to do something to change my thinking and I'm concerned if I don't do it now I may never do it.
 
Welcome to MS, we are glad to have you. That sounds like I am a representative of MS or something but I feel like I belong here so I guess it is okay to say that.

Are you seeing a professional counselor?

That would be the first thing I would try to do, I needed help and I mean professional help.

When the bottom fell out for me things got worse at first as you have stated and they got worse again but in the end it has been the best experience I have ever had. Coming out of the blame game, the fear, the turmoil of trying to project a manly man to the world was silently killing me and getting to the root of it was the best thing that could have happenned. It hurt and I was scared to face it at first and after many years I can say it was and is worth it. I have set backs and I know I will continue to have some problems but again therapy helped, this site helps, people who love me help, my friends help and I know you will make it through this, just hang in there and know that you are not alone.

Thanks for posting and again we are glad you are here and openly talking it out.
 
Thanks for responding, I am not seeing a counselor at present. I'm frightened of therapy, I tried group therapy once and the therapist rubbed me the wrong way. I'm willing to try anything, so I will look into this, thank you again.
 
Free,

Keep trying the therapy. I hate group and won't do it, and it took me going through several individual therapists before I found someone I was even remotely comfortable with. This process alone took me more than a year, and I am probably not alone in this.

You CAN do this, but the work will be hard and suck royaly at times. I have just (within the past week) pulled out of another "mini breakdown" and started back to recovery again. If you need anything that we can provide online here, don't hesitate to ask....

Tim
 
BFREE,
Hello And welcome to MS. I have found this site and all who come through here very nice and helpful, and I hope you find the same. I'm also scared of therpists I always seem to secudle appointment with the strange ones (the ones who what to try eye movment therpy) Anyways srry for rambling. Welcome.
 
Bfree,

Hi and welcome to MS as a fellow survivor. I dont know how you found the site but Im glad you did. I have been so appreciative of all the guys here and I know you will be too. We all help each other, and even though this is your first post, you will actually be helping other people as well by speaking out and sharing what you feel. So many of us feel we must be the only people feeling what we do but thats not true and there is great comfort in knowing your are not alone in what you feel, how you think and the way it affects you.

Right at the very beginning you describe very typical behaviour (myself included) of ways that we try to cope with things not quite right in our life (the abuse that is). Its often through this time that we dont know whats going on really other than we are not happy or contented or things just dont seem right.

Im guessing that up until that night you saw the movie that your abuse had been suppressed from your conscious memory. That is so typical in many survivors. Its a natural coping mechanism for the child. Its the only way they (you and I and others) could survive. Other behaviours that follow like drugs, work or other coping mechanisms, are all attempts subconsciously to block it all out until one day it all comes out. That day kicks you in the gut and normally devastates you. It sounds like that happened to you.

Sadly, your attempt to disclose to another and gain support didnt work out the way you would have wanted it to. That is also common as many people dont understand. They think you are to blame or that something is wrong with you because it happened in the first place. That is simply not true. Any child is incapable of fending off the predatory attacks of those older who prey on those younger. You are not to blame for what happened and you are not to blame for the way you feel right now.

As John suggested, seeing a professional therapist or counsellor is certainly a very good thing to do. Money may be an issue so please dont think if you cant see anybody just yet that theres nothing more that can be done. This site is a great resource as Im sure youve found already. Log in, read posts, reply as and you want to, use the chat room if you feel comfortable. Its all moderated and a very safe place to be. If youre uncomfortable with what somebody may say in a chat room or in a post, advise the moderators. They want to know your concerns and where people have overstepped the line (very rare) they deal with it to ensure this continues to be a safe place of recovery and growth. And no, Im not on the payroll for MS ;) Its just been a lifesaver for me and so many others and Id hate to see anybody move on out of fear or concern about there own protection.

Theres also a list of recommended books on the top menu of this site. Ive purchased several of them now and they have helped tremendously no kidding!

It took me some time to work up the courage to actually see a therapist (a T), and many others have also felt the same but it has been so worth it. When you are ready, go for it if you can. Just make sure its somebody who specialises in male childhood sexual abuse. Others here may be able to give you some contact details. No pressure, only do that if you feel comfortable to do so.

I look forward to seeing you around and getting to know you better. Take care and be kind to yourself. You are a person of great value.
 
Hi. Welcome aboard. You will find many answers to your questions here.

I have fallen into social isolation and the other problems you have just described. Talking about it is where healing starts.

Progress is incremental and very discreet in it's steps, I don't feel any diffent in the time I've spent with my T and with the others here at MS, but I have been told by others that I'm changing, so I must be doing something right.

Just because it's not the most comfortable choice to make doesn't mean it's not the right one. Ask the other survivors here and you will see that there is hope. But it's going to take effort on your part, and we'll stand behind you the whole way, ok?

Trust me, I know what it means to seldom leave the house, I know what it means to wonder how much longer I can "hold it together".
 
Free,

Welcome here. I'm so sorry for what happened to you and I hope you find this place to be a place of healing. I think one thing you'll find as you spend time here is that you're among friends. We're there with you experiencing the same things, and we care about our brothers here... a lot.

One thing I would say about group therapy is that a good therapist won't place a client in that kind of a situation until they are ready for it. When they are it can be quite valuable, but not before.

On Therapists, I'd say keep working at it till you find a good one. Remember, they work for you, not you working for them. there is a link at the top of the page here that has recomended therapists. You might see if there is one listed in your area.

Hang around here and read, post, etc. Do things at your own pace, and remember, you are worth it!

Courage My Friend,

John
 
BFree,

Welcome here to MS!!!

For me, it has been heaven to help force more on myself and to know that I'm truly not alone as I once totally felt.
 
I am glad you found us within six months of your personal revelation, now your recovery can begin. This means getting 'it' out of your system which means first understanding what really happened, emotionally; feeling its pain, grieving for the little boy and then releasing it all out, one way to do it, is to know that 'it' is over.

Soon you will be ready to start afresh.

Your prayers for help and healing are being answered now, just hold on and allow it to happen.
 
I'm really feeling the love and thanks to everyone for their encouragement. I'm overwhelmed man, I've been crying all night and just feel really raw. I've gone to thousands of AA meetings and they often say welcome home, this honestly is the first time I've actually felt at home. Which makes me feel suspicious, like there must be some kind of catch. My past has made skeptical having had more than a few let downs in the past. I am glad I found this site and I'm greatful for everyones prayer and support.
 
I been here few weeks now and the only catch that I have found is that there are others here that are, have been or soon will be dealling with similar issues as I or someone else here has faced.

It's very reassuring to know that we are not alone.
 
BFREE,

Welcome! From what you say about yourself, this is the very best place you could have come. Therapy is another good thing, I went to therapy for about 5 years, I should probably start back again. would do me good about now. Anyway, find a T you can relate to and who will listen. It's ok if they make you angry sometimes. A good T does that.

Above all, Hang in there and never give up because you are worth it.

Keep looking up

Darrel
 
Hi,
I can identify with job burnout; have the same career for 25 years. If you have health insurance, I found my therapist through Blue Cross. Check your mental health benefits, and take advantage of your coverage. I never excelled in group therapy. I've had a female therapist for 3 years now, and she's been great for me; very caring and wise.
Don't neglect your nutrition; at least take a good multi-vitamin. Our soils are depleted and can't provide minimum requirements to thrive. Also, Sam-e (numerous brands) and Li-Zyme Forte (Biotics Research) is a vegetable source of the mineral lithium; helps even out mood. Write to me anytime (also in Cali).
Paul
 
bfree....welcome to MS......i have been a member for about two months now.....and have had amazing breakthroughs....this is a safe place.....really, i believe it is.....it is safe to just be who you are and explore who you will be as you heal......i know it is really hard to trust......i've been there for most of my life......i took a leap of faith here and found that MS is a group of people who can be trusted....to be supportive and honest.....it seems that here may be a really good place for you to start to be free to just be...no strings attached...it's kind of a good feeling.....steve
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top