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estuardo

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Hi,

I'm a survivor/victim of male sex abuse, which is bad enough, but it was perpetrated by a priest! I've been in therapy for well over 3 years now, and counting. My marriage stinks, I feel guilt/shame all of the time, and I really don't know why I'm here, other than to be allowed to talk about my pain without being misunderstood, or ignored.

I can't seem to get out of this mess of crap, each day is a struggle to just face another day of apathy, and feeling unloved.

I don't know how spiritual most of you are, but I feel as if God just doesn't care! I'm sick and tired of not sensing love from Him at all! I guess I'm "preaching to the choir" on that one, but this is where I'm at. Sorry for the downer, but what else am I to do?

estuardo
 
Estuardo,

First of all, I have to say that I am sorry you needed us, but glad you are here.

We are all in this boat. And a lot of us (myself included) wonder where God is in this nightmare.

You are here because you need a place to talk. And whether it was a priest or not, it was fricking wrong. But to be betrayed by a represtantive of God (So called) must be very terrible. I wish this hadn't happened

But you are with fellow survivors here. Real brothers. And you are welcome.

Take it as you can and share what you can. We care. I care

Marc
 
Estuardo,

I too welcome you too,

this is a place where we listen and help,if we can. You can find a lot more answers here, because a lot have gone through much the same pain.

You will get there, you have found your way, and found your way here,

take care,

ste
 
Estuardo I add a welcome.

The important thing is you are here with us now. There is compassion and strong shoulders and you will learn from others how to get rid of the stench of sa. As Marc has said it does not matter who did it what matters is how you deal with it. As reality2k4 puts it you will find your way.

The really important thing to remember is that it is not your shame or guilt. Never was. It was his. He is no man of god.

So stick with us. Post, read and help. You are now a member of the greatest bunch of men it has ever been my privilege to know.

Also remember that sa has affected almost every aspect of your life till now. It has bent you but not broken you. I say that because you are here.

One other thing. Be gentle with yourself. The road ahead is difficult but worth it.

If you feel the need to PM anyone please do so.
 
Estuardo,
I am glad that you found us and I am very sad that you have so big pain inside of you.

Sometimes God and his love can be found on the places that we are not expecting it to be at all.
Sometimes that place can be another human being even that same human being is not aware of his presence.
Estuardo and Marc, maybe I am crazy but he is here with us, I am definitely sure, I am always discovering him again and again.
Both of you, with all other people on this site, are proof to me that I am not mistaken.

Ivo
 
If God wasn't with us, or he didn't give us the strength, could any of us have survived?

He sure saved me on a few occasions, and for what ever reason he thinks I am worth it, we all are.

How else could we gain so much strength through the weakness we faced?

We were given the strength.

ste
 
Hey Estuardo,
Glad you're here. I just wanted to say that in my case I was molested by a minister. And I believe there are others here who were molested by priests. So I can relate at least in some ways to what you're experiencing.

I'm always amazed when I'm around religious friends that they can look at a church and see a friendly, safe, and inviting place. When I look at one, I generally feel disgust. It makes it challenging to devlop any kind of spiritual life that would involve a church.

Anyway, hope to see you around.
Take care
Dan
 
I appreciate everyones reply and welcome, but with all due respect, I do NOT want to be here! I'm so sick of this cross I have to bear, even with other fellow sojourners. This evil that was thrust upon us, no pun intended, has just about destroyed every aspect of my being. About the only true emotion I can say I feel is anger.

I hate that this is the only place where I can talk about my struggles. I've tried on other christian boards, only to be ignored, patronized, and then have the "F" word used on me. Not the explictive, but the one in the bible, you know, F-O-R-G-I-V-E-N-E-S-S. Everyone is so quick to put the cart before the horse. They ask that I do this, without standing next to me demanding justice for the crime committed.

Don't know if others experience this rage, but I'm glad at least I can vent this much, without somebody quoting me scripture about my unwillingness to forgive, and what my sins are in my attitude regarding this. You're right, it's not our shame or guilt, but it sure is made to feel that way!

Just letting you know where I'm at along this "path to healing".
 
Estuardo
and I really don't know why I'm here, other than to be allowed to talk about my pain without being misunderstood, or ignored.
Click to expand...
here you can talk, freely, and with all the understanding other Survivors can give.
And we don't ignore other Survivors either, maybe I'm a bit biased - but I believe MS is the best site of it's kind.

And we won't push the "F" word on you either.

Dave
 
Estuardo,

With all due respect to my brothers here, I don't want to be here either. I don't want any of us to be here. But the reality is, we need each other.

And as for the "F" word, right now I feel like it will be a cold day in hell before I even think of that.

You have every right to be angry. Don't let ANYONE tell you that it is your Christian duty to forgive. Not at this stage anyway. It was a crime and that guy should be in prison.

Please take it easy on yourself and know that whatever you feel at a given moment, we are here for you. OK?

Peace,

Marc
 
Estuardo - this really is the best place for survivors of abuse.

My case is a perfect example of the strength you can gain here.

Last December I had a major breakdown after hiding the abuse for 34 years. I found this site and through the support I found here (along with a lot of hard work by myself), I have recovered enough to take control - only yesterday I filed a 15 page statement against my abuser. Last night he was arrested & I am now looking forward to facing him in court.

Without the wonderful people here, I would not be in that position.

I was a dead man walking.... not anymore.

Say what you like, ask what you like no one will judge you - we will all try to help you.

Good luck....Rik
 
Estuardo,

You don't know me, yet, but trust me...This is the best site on the web. It has saved what little sanity I have. These guys will listen to your concerns and needs and try to help you through all of these issues we seem to have been "blessed" with.

I knew I would not get any help from the church. They would tell me the same thing they told you, to forgive before any healing could take place. Bullshit! Why forgive the man who has made my life at times a living hell before I can expect any help. Maybe I'm selfish, but I'm concerned about me, not that SOB. He's dead now anyway and I can't forgive him. What I'm telling you is take care of Estuardo first! Use the guys at Male Survivor to help you. You can talk freely to any of us without having a forgiveness sermon preached. The ability to be able to talk to other guys that have been through this abuse is what is saving me. THEY get it! Unless you've been through it before, it's all just idle chatter and second hand advice.

Good luck in healing and if you ever need to chat, send me a PM. Remember, take care of Estuardo first!
 
estuardo,

welcome to the site from me as well.

like others say, sorry you are here; however, we all can so relate.

as for your priest, i was abused by my "trusted" coach for about 9 months.

i lost some faith too, why does god allow suffering, etc.. i think but am in pain a lot, so i can help others with my experiences to help them.

hell with the priest, just like any other peodphile. they take advantage of us or did, screwed us up, we now gotta deal with it.

we are still alive, that i guess is why they call us survivors.

are our lives and relationships screwed up, yes for some and me, but some have done better.

i do hope you will stay, see your or a t, take one day at a time, and work on the journey.

i am only pissed that i hid my shit for 31 years. wish i would have done so ealrier but so be it.

take care, if i can help, p.m. me, or reply back.

we are all with y ou.

guy
 
welcome. the others have said so many good things, i dont have much to add, but wanted to say hi.
 
The thing that bothers me the most, is my perp will never stand trial for the crime he committed against me. Because of the statutes of limitations (which is a joke!!), he won't ever have to face those he abused. He's living in a luxury apartment building in Albuquerque, over looking the Rio Grande, with a heated pool, and 24hr security. The only reason I know this, is the newspaper that tracked him down, to ask him about all the boys he abused, commented about that. His comment,"That was a long time ago"

What Bullshit!!

I started this quest after the Boston trial of Geoghan came to light, and all of the fall-out of how much was known by whom, and when, yada,yada,yada. Cardianl Law resigned because of it.

Anyways I started to research possible others he abused, and one month into it, a newspaper article about him surfaced in NY, detailing what he did to another teenage boy 20 years prior. It was as if they interviewed me. I started to throw-up, and I don't remember much because I was shaking so hard. I do remember screaming!

So for the last 3 years, I have been in intensive therapy, and trying to find others who were abused by him, in the hopes that maybe criminal charges could be brought against him. No luck so far. I did find out that he abused his nephew, which in my mind, puts this at a whole new low!

Just a bit of what I've been trying to do to work on this. I want justice, but I feel now that too has been robbed from me.
 
Estuardo, may I join my brothers in welcoming you here and repeat the bittersweet regret that you needed to find us at all.

My first reaction to your post was one of hope. I see, in your telling of your abuse, that you are making a distinction between the priest and God. That is positive. I believe God weeps, figuratively speaking, whenever any of us are abused. But, due to the "free will" deal between God and humans, bad things still happen. Unfortunately, priests are far too human and when they abuse, in such a sub-human way, it is damaging to the core.

I think we are long overdue to redefine the nature of God. The Adam and Eve story was just that - a story. God is beyond description, far too big and complex for me, or any priest (even JPII) to describe. As long as priests - and others of their kind - are given the power of authority I cannot enter into the Mystery of God as fully.

What happened to you was a crime. God does not approve of crime but it still happens.

You have survived so far. God cares but, I think, cannot intervene the way some people believe.

I see God in places like this web-site.

Kenn
 
You may be misunderstood on occaision here, but nobody:s perfect...you will Never be ignored! I wish I had more time to log in here myself, but I:m stuck in Tokyo and not much time...I get alot out of reading what others are going thru and in that sense I do not feel alone in my pain. My occaisional posts for my stuff have had some interesting responses, so keep coming here and working thru stuff.

I:m really sorry for your situation and myself; I had a Christian girlfriend who gave me 500 hours of emotional abuse, she then drove my friend to a 20th floor suicide and said it:s all OK cos Jesus forgave her - I had to eventually confront her likeness to my own mother and my Abuse. That was the End of any God for me, especially after a lifetime of prayers to said spiritual wilderness. `Tis been 10 years since I:ve had a girlfriend, so as bad as your relationship may be, consider it a starting point to improve on when you decide to change the way(s) you feel.

Perhaps I:ll find a God again someday, now I:m just looking thru each day and trying to find something good in it...I hope you can do the same. I:m terribly messed up and rewiring my nervous system, but hanging in there - take it easy on yerself and realize it will take years to deal with stuff, we:re out here for each other, this is a place for you I hope you get something out of it.

As far as Justice, my Abusers are Family whom I:m mostly now out of contact with - this status may be for life, we:ll see. I cannot advise much on Justice with the church, but as it is not unlike me wanting justice with my family I can tell you to Confront the Abuse (the person and/or the church), then Confront yourself with the reality that Justice may best be served with the ultimate revenge; healing! No criminal or civil lawsuit can buy your lost years back, though God I wish anything on earth could!! Work on making yourself better; your abuser may never get better. You:re in a difficult situation I know, but whatever action(s) you take, keep your eye on the Prize; a contented life. Good luck and God - or any Sentient Truth - Bless you for trying.
 
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