New here
I'm new to this forum but from reading some of the posts I can tell I'm in the right place.
I know there are a lot of us out there that have been abused. I thank God for those that have shared their experiences with me. But I've never talked to any men about what it felt like. I never talked about the shame, the feelings of self loathing, the vast inner confusion and truly bleak outlook I had. Instead, I tried to numb the pain with drugs or alcohol or sex or work or anything else that would distract me from what I felt. But I really wanted to die. It didn't seem like a big step to me, since I felt dead inside anyway.
I discovered something though. There was a little kid in me that would not give up. He lived through the abuse and he was still living through it. I couldn't die because he wouldn't let me. He never gave up so I couldn't either.
I read a post in another thread where someone talked about getting choked up when a child is rescued by an adult. I get choked up by that as well. I get even more choked up when I consider how this adult was rescued by a child.
So now I am learning to be a parent. I never had a good parent, so I have to learn how to raise this gutsy, misbehaving, scared and suffering child myself.
I've been in therapy for a couple of years, getting in touch with the feelings and learning all about this kid. I've looked for a good forum to ask questions, vent feelings, and get support. The posts I've read here have already given me insights, brought up feelings, and reminded me that I'm not the only one.
So to my brothers in recovery, thank you for being here.
I know there are a lot of us out there that have been abused. I thank God for those that have shared their experiences with me. But I've never talked to any men about what it felt like. I never talked about the shame, the feelings of self loathing, the vast inner confusion and truly bleak outlook I had. Instead, I tried to numb the pain with drugs or alcohol or sex or work or anything else that would distract me from what I felt. But I really wanted to die. It didn't seem like a big step to me, since I felt dead inside anyway.
I discovered something though. There was a little kid in me that would not give up. He lived through the abuse and he was still living through it. I couldn't die because he wouldn't let me. He never gave up so I couldn't either.
I read a post in another thread where someone talked about getting choked up when a child is rescued by an adult. I get choked up by that as well. I get even more choked up when I consider how this adult was rescued by a child.
So now I am learning to be a parent. I never had a good parent, so I have to learn how to raise this gutsy, misbehaving, scared and suffering child myself.
I've been in therapy for a couple of years, getting in touch with the feelings and learning all about this kid. I've looked for a good forum to ask questions, vent feelings, and get support. The posts I've read here have already given me insights, brought up feelings, and reminded me that I'm not the only one.
So to my brothers in recovery, thank you for being here.
