New here with questions

New here with questions
D

daneelyn

Registrant
Hello, I am new here. I have been trying to find answeres and I dont know where to begin my search. I found this site online about a week ago and just read some of the posts and finally decided maybe you guys could help me.
My story starts like this. My husband and I met when we were 17 years old. we are now 33. I fell in love the instant I saw him. He is beautiful. But there was always something there with him. I dont know if you unerstand that, kind of like he always had something in his mind that was troubling him. He has trouble with crouds. He was constantly working out and he was very big, meaning he was very muscular. Well our relation ship recently went alittle sour. He was always getting mad over the smallest things like dishes in the sink or unfolded clothes. About a month ago he asked me to get him a nuber for a therapist. He had an awful childhood with a very mean stepmother. She made him feel worthless his entire life and that is why he wante to go, well I later found out that that was only part of it. He confesed to me after his first appt. that he was SA as a child by the neighbor boy. We have a son who is the same age that my husband was when this happened to him. I never saw such a big man so broken and vulnerable. He was very worried how I would take it. I love this man with my entire being. He is the father of my two children. I could be nothing but supportive. His first thereapy session was awful. The thereapis made him feel like he was bad and she talked down to him. He left there feelin worse than when he got there. I think that is why he told me because it was out there and the person he told made him so upset he needed someone to tell him it wasnt his fault. I found him a new therapist and he went once and she was great. I didnt go to that first session with him, but he wants me to go to the next, and I am going to of course. I want to help him in every way I can. My real question is what are we in for? What is he in for. What do I need to do to help him. He has already had fits of crying and just really breaking down. I just hold him and cry with him. Im not sure what else to do. Any advice would be great.
Thank you so much in advance.
 
Your question is very broad and every survivor has their own journey along the path of recovery. I'd recomend reading Victims No Longer by Mike Lew for both of you. The books has a chapter dedicated to partners, families, friends of survivors. You may also consider seeing a therapist yourself. In essence you are a secondary victim/survivor of the abuse. What are you both in for? You are in for a healthier life, but not necessarily an easier one. Stick with this board ... you and your husband are not alone.
 
Thank you... I am going to get the book. I don't think my husband is ready for sharing with this board yet, but maybe in time. I think it would help him to know that he is NOT alone. Thanks again.
 
Daneelyn,

Recovery from childhood abuse is a difficult but incredibly powerful experience. There will be lots of ups and downs and your husband will need lots of support. Most especially he will need to hear that he is not alone, that you don't blame him, and that you don't think less of him as a man, as your husband, or as your lover.

At the same time he will need to be reminded that he still has responsibilities as a husband and father. He will need to hear that you have needs as well, and that the care of your children is a top priority regardless of how bad he feels.

The Mike Lew book is a really good one. Another one, from a somewhat different perspective, is Mic Hunter, "Abused Boys". Both of these are books you will want to look at over and over again.

Much love,
Larry
 
daneelyn

I guess most of us go through a crisis at some point, it's either the thing that sends us through the therapists door, or it's during the early sessions with the therapist.

But I also think that the crisis and the fact that we seek help is probably the bravest thing we're ever likely to do.

Having a crisis is actually letting the crap out that has been bottled up inside our heads for far too long, it's painful and distressing of course, but by letting our emotions out we're letting other people know that we need some help and support.
Far too many men live by the macho bullshit that "I'm strong, hey, I can deal with this on my own"
which I think causes more issues and even greater problems.

Admitting that we need some help, and going to therapy, is the strongest thing we're ever going to do, and your husband is doing that. Which is wonderful for you BOTH.

Stick around and get the support YOU need though, you'll find it here, along with most of the help and information you'll need.

It's not going to be easy, for both of you, but it is worth it. It's saved my marriage, and my life.

Dave
 
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. You are all so courageous and brave. I am ready to go down the road to recovery with my husband, my best friend. What ever he needs from me I will be there. He love me very much and I him. We will weather this storm together as we have weathered other storms and the sun has shown through every time. I believe it will again. I know it will be a long hard road. I hope that one day he is where you all seem to be. I will be back here, as I feel I could get what I need from all of you and in time maybe my husband will join me. Thank you so much for everything.
 
Hi Daneelyn,

I'm sorry you had to seek out a place like MS because of what happened to your husband, but am glad you did find MS. You said that your husband was 17 when you met, and is now 33. One point I wanted to make is to emphasize that it is very, very common for men to go through life with this "secret" until they finally come to a point in their life where they can begin to deal with it. You didn't say it, but I wanted to make sure you don't feel that he has been concealing something from you. I myself am 45, have been married for 17 years, but did not disclose my own abuse to my wife until 2 years ago. Many men on this board have similar patterns of disclosure. I am glad you are so supportive of your husband, it will be vital to him as he begins to pour out all these pent up emotions over the abuse.
 
Hello daneelyn,

Welcome to MS. There's little I can add to what the others have already posted but to offer my encouragement to both you and your husband because you are truly no longer alone and that is such an important first step.

There are so many men here who are at various stages of recovery so let me assure your husband, if he ever comes to this site, that we don't judge, offer unquestioned support, and he can post as little or as much as he wants to. Many visitors spend some time to read the posts and get a flavor for what we have here in our own little clubhouse, as one member describes this site.

There's much to offer you as well as a supporter of a survivor. Take as much time as you need to feel comfortable here and remember to take care of yourself as well. OK?

I can tell you that it is possible to go from victim to survivor to thriver. Many have done it but it takes a heck of alot of work and there may be times when the desire to chuck it all may be overwhelming. That's when it might be necessary to take a break or to push ahead. The thing is we all have our own pace of recovery.

I'm heartened to read that your husband has such a warrior for a partner. Take good care of each other. You both are worth it!

Regards,

Zipser
 
I think the guys have already given you the best advice possible.

I can relate because I spent my life in the gym trying to look like a man. I thought it was great but never understood why I went, why I wanted to be so big. I feel for you and your husband, things can be better but therapy is the key. Abused Boys helped me feel like I was not alone, just reading it made me feel great. I hope your husband finds peace, I know how it can be without it.
 
My husband was 7 years old when the abuse took place. I am not sure how long it lasted but it was for more than a year. I don't feel like he has been concealing something from me. I understand completely how hard it must have been to hold this in for so many years and it also must have been very hard for him to tell me. I am so gland he did. He has not withdrawn from me at all, and I so hope he doesn't, but know that he may. If and when he does, I will do what is best for him at that time. Just so you know I have no intentions of letting this path that we are about to take get the best of us or our relationship. I will always be here for my man. As his wife, lover, and friend. He has had one therapy session already. We have our first therapy session together tomorrow night. I am a little nervous, but ready for whatever may happen.
 
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