new here (Trigger Warning CSA/Drugs)

[Elfo]

Trigger warnings: CSA / drugs

Hi, I'm Elfo. If you've seen the new Matt Groening cartoon Disenchanted, that is where the name comes from.

I'm a victim of CSA, im gay, i live alone with my dog. i struggle with drug addiction - i would say that is my biggest issue. i have been self medicating with drugs since i was 12 years old - weed, mushrooms, coke, ecstacy, heroin, coke, and meth - ive basically done everything under the sun. I'm clean from most of that now, i use cannabis to treat my PTSD as i find it much more effective than xanax, i would never recommend drugs to anyone - just sharing my experience i guess.

when i was 12 years old, i was in a chat room on the old AOL chats. i was confused about my sexuality, i thought i might be gay. a man ended up messaging me, and to make a very very long story short, he groomed me, and had me join an online forum for "BoyLovers", aka pedophiles or minor attracted people. so for a while, i was this sort of poster boy for "BoyLovers". i do think that some of the folks there did care about me, its really hard for me to say, i havent really worked through much of it - i have been just... i just sort of feel like "Thats how it was" and going back into it isnt going to change a single thing in my life. but anymore, i just cant live that way. im tortured all the time. over the next bunch of years, 12 to about 19, i was groomed, manipulated into sharing pictures of myself, did sex acts for older men that at the time felt ... like they weren't forcing me or ... it felt like it was my own choice to do that stuff. i felt attracted to the older men. maybe because of the attention i got, lots of people fawning over me and being nice, telling me good things about myself. i ended up "dating" some of them.

i dont know ... how to feel or what kind of emotion to sort of mentally tag all that with. its all like a big blur. when i try and pick anything out, its like the rest of it just pours over the top like melted wax and covers my view. im definitely screwed up. im depressed. i dont really know why i'm alive at all. i just keep going in hopes that some day some thing will make sense and ill finally have something to hold on to. but for now it feels like im climbing a cliff and only have dirt clods to hang on to.

i know my experience is probably outside the realm of what has been heard in here before. or at least it feels to me like it must be. ive always felt like, i must be the only boy to ever willingly surround myself with pedophiles. i both hope that it isnt true, and that it is true. i thought about writing a book about it, but the feeling in my heart is that i would be looked at like some kind of apologist for abusers because i happened to be in love with some of mine. needless to say, it is all very confusing for me. im sorry if this post upset anybody, i .. that is not what i want to do at all - if my presence here, with the past ive had, makes people uncomfortable, i can totally understand that and will move on to something else, i dont put my recovery over the comfort of other people.

im all screwed up and crying now, so probably a good place for me to stop before i stop making any sense at all.

anyway, thats me, I'm elfo, its nice to be here.

 

[Jack86]

Hey Elfo congrats on your first post you are very brave.

 

[PRFL]

Welcome to MS, I'm so sorry this happened to you but I'm glad you are here. If you read around the posts, I think you'll see that we all have our experiences with lots of similarities but we were all abused in one way or another. I hope you can find the support here that you most definitely need and deserve.

 

[newground]

no way are you alone man, it is so common the bastard knows how to get to where he wants to go. no way was it ever your fault. I hope you can find support and peace here along with friendships that are healthy
Jeff

 

[Gistin]

Welcome @Elfo and welcome, and also sorry to hear about your experiences. I'm somewhat new here, but I can tell you there's a wealth of wisdom, and good people here.

 

[NC-Survivor]

Welcome Elfo. Nice chatting with you in the Chat room. So sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us. Great, safe place.

 

[Duckie]

deleted

 

[F.A.]

Welcome to a place of healing and support. You are not alone in the abuse that happened, it has happened to many just like it happened to you or in some variance of it. You did not surround yourself willingly, they groomed you and convinced you that it was your idea to be their victim but of course they made you feel like they loved you.

 

[JeffreyS]

Hi Elfo,

I identify with your story, as I am gay and willingly surrounded myself with and protected pedophiles, albeit only one, in my case. We are probably a couple decades apart in age as you referenced the internet as your point of contact with these people. When I was 12, the internet didn’t exist, but I’m sure that if it did, I would have engaged in those activities also. I enjoyed the attention, to be honest. Just as you said that you felt “nurtured” at times by these people, I felt nurtured and cared for by my abuser, and protected our “secret” and our relationship for years, even after it ended, when he was accused of abusing another boy.

That being said, I, like you, refuse to be an apologist for these people. They ARE an enemy to children, and are predators. They know what they are doing, they are methodical and evil in their intentions and don’t give a shit the fallout and damage that they inflict in children in selfish pursuit of their own pleasure. The attention that they gave at the time of the abuse may have felt nurturing, the sex may have been pleasurable, but TRUST me, they in no way had our best interests in mind when they were pursuing this activity with you. Moreover, the feeling of being used for your youthful attractiveness then abandoned, and feelings of unattractiveness and worthlessness as a result of the abuse later in life are a huge part of my story. Isolation and messed up relationships, depression and low self-esteem are the lasting effects of my abuse. Feelings of abandonment and the inability to trust others is the legacy that he gave to me. I’m not sure if you have seen “Leaving Neverland” yet, but watch it when you get a chance. What those guys experienced at the hands of Michael Jackson closely mirrors my experience. The lavish attention, the abuse, and ultimate abandonment that they experienced is exactly what happened to me. Just like they were, I was replaced by a younger victim when I got too old to be attractive to him. That alone hurt more than the actual abuse. The fact that they could grow up, their sexuality intact and have positive adult relationships is amazing to me. And for them to then go on to actually tell their stories in a public forum such as a movie release a great inspiration to me. Notwithstanding the minor factual “errors” that one of them made in recounting the story as to when and where Jackson conducted the abuse to be of no importance to the legitimacy of the allegations. My abuser took me to other states and even other countries to get me away from the scrutiny of my parents as to the true nature of our relationship. I believe them implicitly, and for the media to discount and discard their stories based on a misremembered location a horrible comment on society’s lack of compassion for these brave guys. No fucking wonder more men don’t come forward with their stories for fear of this kind of treatment. I was abused literally hundreds of times over the six years that the abuse occurred. Such was the same with them. It matters not a bit where the abuse occurred, and the public should realize that. I believe them because it happened to ME, and pretty much in the same methodical way that they were groomed. Only someone that went through the same experience could pick out the details of their stories that sound legitimate and true. But I digress, the point of this response to your post is to affirm that you are not alone in your experience and your feelings are valid.

Stay strong,

Jeffrey

 

[JoeNE]

Hi Elfo,

Welcome to MS and I am sorry about your experiences. Wishing you peace and the healing you deserve.

Joe

 

[genedebs]

Dear Elfo.

While seven years is longer than most, it is not that uncommon. I was 13 when my first adult started sexually using me. I was 20 when the last
sexual acts were performed. My older brother began molesting me when I was 10 and it ended when I was 12. The man whose dick I sucked when I was 20, I had sucked before when I was 17. My mother explained than he ( her business partner) was having a hard time figuring out
his sexuality. This made me think my mother wanted me to help him (By performing homosexuaj acts on him.) So I only had three perps and my mother who instructed me to undress so h pictures of me including nude. her photographer friend could take pictures. this is back in the early '60's long before "selfies"

I only had a couple of perps, and I thiught I was prostituting my self as my mother wanted. it never occurred to me that my mother who had him "take care of me when I was sick" Did not know what was going on. W#hen he offered to fly me to New York my parents said no. Yhey were concerned he was a latent homosexual. I said he was n't latent. My mother asked if I liked being penatrATED, I said no it hurt. She said then you are OK.

So the stories are not so different. You are welcome here because we all have different stories, but for all of us, CSA was not our fault and CSA was traumatic. Some of us took decades to figure that out.

Welcome and May God Bless you and grant you peace.