New here.. to stand by friend

New here.. to stand by friend
V

velvet

Registrant
Hello everyone,

I just registered and this is my first post here. The reason for me signing up is basically to stand by a friend of mine who I met at another forum. He's a male survivor.. he'll tell his story once he feels comfortable enough I guess. The forum we met is a nice one, but not really suitable for discussion this topic in a serious way. He's very young but because of all the shit he's been through he's definately not a child anymore.. something he regrets as well.

We live on different sides of the planet so besides chatting and talking on the phone this will be the main way of helping him at this moment.

At the moment he's supposedly to young to sign up, I've contacted Nathan about it. Hope he can still register.

Anyway.. I'm looking forward to meeting people here and hopefully my friend can join soon. He could really benefit from this I think.
 
Ahh.. you got in.. yeay! Maybe they changed the age thingie or maybe sth went wrong.. whatever.. anyway.. yeay! :) Hope you can find some peace of mind here and the strength to keep on fighting *big hug*
 
Velvet

I hope that you have a chance to read some more on this section of the site.

There is a lot of useful information and support here for friends and family of male survivors.

One of the first things that new friends and family usually hear when they arrive is that it's important for survivors to have time and space to heal in the way that's safe for them. Many friends and family of survivors have some trouble understanding some of the decisions a survivor makes in his healing, and struggle at first with hearing that this healing is really something that each person needs to do on his own.

For me, that struggle had to do with a fear of being "left behind" as he healed. It also had to do with a lack of trust in his ability to heal without my help. Even after I realized how nasty the control and power issues behind my "helpful" mindset were, I still had a hard time keeping myself at a healthy distance from my boyfriend's healing... not letting his sickness become my project, and not trying to do his healing work for him.

I don't mean to sound harsh... but I don't see a lot of peace of mind for "velvet" in your posts... I don't see much of "velvet" at all. I want to let you know that this is a place where you can work out some understanding for yourself about the hows and whys of supporting your friend.

SAR
 
hm.. you mean like I should work on how to cope with it myself as well? Like how to cope with having a friend who's going through this struggle? Well, you sure have a point there, since in a way it's hard for me sometimes as well. Just, my first concern is him.. but if I understand you correctly than you are right, I should take some better care of myself as well.

Hm.. gotta think this over for a bit. Thanks for your reply btw.
 
you mean like I should work on how to cope with it myself as well? Like how to cope with having a friend who's going through this struggle?
Click to expand...
That's just what I mean. :)

Besides reading some more of the threads on Family and Friends, you might want to try doing a web search for "secondary survivors"-- you will find some more information on how another person's recovery/disclosure may affect you and also some ideas about what you can do for yourself and for your friend.

It's okay for it to be hard for you.
 
yeah.. that might be not such a web idea. I think there is always a risk of 'secundary traumatization' (sp?).. like when you hear very tough stories it affects you too much and gives you problems as well. In a way I can handle it.. I work as a volunteer with refugees and know a few former childsoldiers, there stories are really hard to hear sometimes.. but the thing is that I get sucked in so deep emotionally that I'm really losing sleep over it. I think that's perfectly normal if you care for someone, but in order for me to be strong for others I will have to cope better and at least take care of myself.

Balance.. that's the key word :)
 
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