New here, new to this, Need Help!

New here, new to this, Need Help!
K

katherinew

Registrant
Hi there, (THIS WILL BE LONG)

I have been reading the posts on this site on and off for about 3 months now. I could really use some guidance so let me try to explain without being too wordy.

My bf and I have been together for 1.5 yrs. We live together. He is 35 and I am 33.

Our relationship has been wrought w/problems from the beginning but somehow we managed to stick it through. Now, I'm not so sure anymore. After 4 months of dating with him carrying on a long-distance thing with someone else (that I knew about) he finally said he would end it but also took a job 6 hours away from where I lived. Thus began our long-distance part of our relationship. He flew to visit the other girl, telling me it was to break up with her face to face, but he admitted that they did have sex. We saw each other every 2 weeks for 6 months, with both of us flying/driving equally. When his job ended he was very hesitant to move back and kept insisting he only would if I lived with him, but I wasn't ready. He repeatedly would say he wasn't ready either really, but he didn't want to do it any other way. Also, all this time, up to today, he has insisted on telling me that he isn't 'sure of us' or sure about if he 'wants to spend his life with me." This too has been the cause of much heartache for me.

He came to spend 3 weeks w/me before we made the final decision. It was great but also hellish and he was extremely argumentative. Our sex life, which was initially full of passion and incredible, had become a pattern of him rejecting me most of the time. While he was always very affectionate, and we did still have sex, 9 out of 10 times he would refuse my advances, usually telling me that he, "Just wasn't as sexual a person as me." He also made comments about "That's all women want." and things like calling me a whore but in a way he considered joking. After trying to talk to him many times about why he rejected me so often, one day I was really fed up and started pleading with him to tell me what the problem was, why, why did he push me away so much?

We were both agitated and I was pissed and all of a sudden he shouted, "I was molested by my sister!" I could have just died from the shock. That was 10 months in. We talked and he told me some of the details but not many. He told me that he hadn't told any other gf since one he'd been w/about 10 yrs earlier. My mind started clicking and suddenly everything made sense to me, but yet I knew this could be a lifetime of these issues. I felt so relieved though and thought this was the beginning of things getting better.

I had NO idea.

He ended up moving in with me even though he insisted he still wasn't sure of us, which he would bring up on a weekly basis it seemed. Maybe I seem stupid for moving in together too, and his need to constantly remind me that he wasn't sure hurt like hell, but I love him tremendously and I guess I just hoped it would work out. During the 7 months that we have lived together things have been on and off fantastic to horrible.

He is the love of my life (I think) and when we are 'good' it is the greatest love of all time. But when we are bad.....he is irritable, argumentative, distant. I talked to him so many times wondering why I always felt this barrier between us, like he just couldn't let his guard down all the way. He always denied it was true. He also had quickly back tracked after his disclosure to tell me that I was 'obsessed with what happened to him, and he was sure that had nothing to do with our sexual issues." He insisted he just didn't have the same sex drive as me.

Things started going really downhill. He started working and would work 14 hour days. He'd come home and sit on the computer all night. Then when his project was over, he would get on the computer from dusk 'til dawn. It became really bad to the point where I would tell him he was going to burn his eye balls out.

He is from oversees and all this time we had talked about going to visit his family together. He flew with me and met my family months prior (they live across the country). But I lost my job and didn't have the money. He finally decided that he would go without me, for a month, on a trip to Europe and to see his family. Things continued to be really rocky and we were on the verge of breaking up almost the whole time it felt. He became depressed lately and I finally told him that I'm ready for something more and I want a partner that wants to be happy. There were many times throughout this that I found something suspicious and would confront him, and always accused me of being overly jealous which I'm not. I would see emails from girls that I didn't know in his inbox, he'd get calls from girls I didn't know too. But nothing solid.

Finally, 2 days before his month long trip, with things in a state of complete uncertainty, I finally discovered the truth. He went out for a bit and asked me to fix something on his computer. Of course, (sadly) I took my chance to really find out the truth.

I finally discovered from reading his emails that he has had sex with at least 3 other woman during our LD time. Plus there were a couple woman locally he was trying to get together with. And lastly that he was planning to have sex with one of these same women when he got to Europe.

This was devastating.

When he came home I confronted him with all of this. I left all the emails that I had open on his computer.

At 1st he was angry and didnt want to talk to me. But quickly he started talking and he was very relieved that I knew. He told me so many things about his obsession with porn, and of having sex with woman that he didnt care about. We talked and cried for hours.

He told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

I took him to the airport the next day where we held each other tightly and expressed our love for each other, but also admitted neither knew what would happen during this month.

He has been gone for 4 days now. He sent me an email and told me that he spent an entire day with 2 different woman, both of whom hes had sex with before, and was originally planning to again. He said that he did NOT have sex with them and actually told them about his sexual issues. (I dont know exactly what he said). He said that one of them reacted very coldly and insisted it was ok to have sex anyway, which disgusted him and he was he very proud of himself that he didnt.

He is also going to see his family in a couple days after 2 years. Including his sister, who he stills speaks to regularly. I have told him that despite all the pain I feel, I still love him more than anything and I am willing to face whatever together.

Now I am here for a month on my own and dealing with all this. I felt it was good for us to have the time apart, and I think its good that he is confronting these issues, but I am so afraid and unsure. It might not sound like it but we have something really amazing (I think) but yet I dont really know what he is doing out there on his own. I feel that I would do anything that I needed to to work through this with him, but I can not be certain he wants too. In is email he said that he doesnt know what will happen when he gets back but he does love me. And I am trying to extend my support and love to him from 5,000 miles away in email.

I am so confused and I feel like walking away would be a huge mistake that I couldnt live with because I do love this man with all my heart and even though what happened is horrible, I feel I can understand why.

I am sorry this is soo long but I really dont know where to turn. I think therapy for both of us would be great, but I wont be in a position to go for a couple more months.

Im just lost between thinking I should run away and thinking I want to be here for him to continue loving him and have the patience to work through it all.

Ok, I think thats enough rambling for one post
 
One thing I forgot to add was that he told me right before we moved in together that living with me brought back many feelings of living with his sister, which caused alot of his anxiety and rejection of me.
 
K,

The only thing I can say is that I have found it is useless for me to assess things as they are this minute, because as you can see from your psot, things change, they get better, they get worse, they get better again, etc.

I think therapy would definitely be a help and even then you couldn't really assess the relationship until it's well underway and probably not for a kind of long time. Things will continue even after that, from what I've read, to get better, possibly fall back, get better, etc.

Only you can say how long you're willing to wait. Because it will be a long wait whether you can stick it out with him, or not.

I'm glad he was relieved to tell you of his problems he's having, and as my counselor said, he's doing the best with what he has. It's a very real struggle for him. You sound like a very compassionate person and very possibly you all can survive this long period of uncertainty. It is scary for him also, I am sure.

I don't have a lot of advice or help, but I do understand your anxiety. Things have to be worked through with a good therapist if possible, so don't give up yet and try to see it as the long journey that it will be.

Hugs,
 
Dear K,

I am so sorry to read of your struggle. So much of it is painfully reminiscent, even to the point of how wonderful things can be, and how awful they might be a minute later. Makes it so much harder to give up...and so much harder to be confident that things will get--and stay--better.
Brokenhearted is right, though. It's not likely to be a short and easy "fix." But you are the only one who can decide what is too much for you to handle.
If you have been reading for a while, then you will have gotten a sense of how difficult it can be. There are no guarantees. It is important to know that the choice about continuing is always up to you, too. You will always have the option of deciding you can't cope. And the option of setting limits: what is more than you can tolerate? You don't forfeit your right to ask to be treated as you would like to be treated, no matter how much you care for him (or him for you).
If I might put in my vote--yes, definitely, for therapy, whatever it takes. It is so painful to go through all of this in any case, virtually impossible without trained support. If he wants to get through this, he can, and he will probably feel better for it. Again, that's ultimately his choice, not yours, no matter how much you might each love one another. We do these things for ourselves, regardless of what other claims we make.
I have found (and you'd see this in my other posts) that it is essential for me to do my very best to maintain my equilibrium, no matter what tumult is upsetting him. It does neither one of us any good for his distress to affect me, though it's not easy to stay that separate sometimes. I've gone back to therapy myself because it was just too hard for me not to get sucked in.
Communication, always, is also essential.
Good luck to you. I hope that you will find the support you need, here and elsewhere.
Honey Girl
 
PS--
I am sorry, I do want to add something else.
I urge you to take into account the issue of STDs, including HIV. They're all a real risk, and even those which are really widespread and "seemingly" minor, like chlamydia, can pose a great danger to a woman's fertility (if that's an issue for you). If he's not willing to be monogamous, then you have to continue to protect yourself, and this is of course something he needs to acknowledge too.
I apologize if I am stressing something that is already obvious to you.
Best,
Honey Girl
 
THANK YOU BROKENHEARTED AND HONEY GIRL

Your responses gave me more to think about. I find myself fluctuating between complete confidence that our love will guide us through this, to reminding myself how lucky he is to have me, to wondering about how many women he really has had sex with, thinking about all the women I have ever seen near him, to wondering what he is doing right now, then I start feeling like I am insane for even considering staying with him and then I remember how much I love him, and how hurt he is, then i think of my own life and wonder why even though I have experienced a ton of painful things (though never physical or sexual abuse) how I manage to be faithful and good to him and then I think I am giving him a free pass, ohhhh boy.

I'm really sorry for this stream of consciousness ramble.

Honey Girl your response, and then 2nd response was far from obvious (stupid me) not that I haven't thought of it but I haven't really THOUGHT of it and it made me sick to imagine.

I need to know, what makes you stay?

And also I was hoping that any of the men on here might have something to add for me, I feel so unsure suddenly.
 
I admit the whole HIV/STD thing is extremely scary to me because if they're compulsively acting out, they are probably not entirely using the best judgment/self-control that it takes to be safe.
 
Kath,

I dont normally visit this forum any more, but as a kid I had the shadow of STD in my abuse, and I guess it caused me as much damage as abuse.

I have blurted out things like, all you women just want babies or sex, but thats it, we are firstly looking for a partner who can at least know we are different.

The only girl I really knew asked me to go back to Germany with her, and if I had the confidence I would surely have done.

Relationships dont have to need sex, but when it happens it can be so good, but to me, I guess right now its not so easy,

ste
 
Kat,

You have received some good responses from others, and here I will just say that 1) your bf's issues could be putting you in a lot of danger from STDs, and 2) no partner should expect that it's part of the gf job description to put up with disrespect. At some point you will have to decide where your absolute boundaries are, tell him, and then stick to them. As this is inevitable, isn't it a good idea to do this sooner rather than later?

Just a thought.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks for all your responses, I'm sorry that the issue of STD's seems to be the only thing people responded too, I was really hoping for some more feedback since I thought there were many other issues at hand....still feeling lost.... :(
 
Hi Katherinew,

I'm sorry you're feeling lost still. I imagine that you're probably still in a state of shock about the infidelity and all the associated feelings/thoughts that will bring up for you. You have (so far) decided to be open about exploring the possibilities of continuing this relationship with bf, despite how hurt you must be feeling, so you sound like a strong person :)

I'd say it's very positive that he was so honest with you about meeting up with those women, but not sleeping with them. The fact he didn't feel confused 'in the moment' has got to be a good thing! Also, I can see that there already seems to be a relatively healthy level of communication between the two of you, and you can probably take the praise for that. You insisited he told you what was going on when he kept rejecting you. You were clear minded and trusted your own perceptions enough to be able to do this. Also, although it must not be at all pleasant to know, his honesty about moving in with you bringing back feelings of living with his sister is at least honesty. I do sense a level of honesty here which I wish me and bf had had/had now. I wonder how much I remind bf of his own sister, as I can see some similarities myself and it has been worrying me. Anyway, that's me and this is about you!

I think that you have a lot of positives you can build on. Has your bf had a therapy? It could be a good idea for both of you. I wish I'd been brave enough to confront my bf about his many odd behaviours years ago then we could have both been in therapy, I think it would have saved me a lot of mental/emotional confusion. If you do choose therapy though, allow yourselves to be very fussy about who you choose/what kind of therapy they deal with/if that resonates with you.

I hope things continue to improve between you and you don't feel too anxious,

take care

peace
Beccy
 
Dear K,

Ill try to give you a quick response to your question, why do I stay? (not very quick, as it turns out, sorry)
Weve been together, dating, for 2.5 years now; we've been talking around the issue of marriage for some time. Perhaps we will feel strong enough in the next few months to take the next step. I hope so, actually, and I think it's likely.
His disclosure came just over a year ago. I think I am the first person he told apart from his therapist. He lauched a "trial balloon" a couple of weeks before he really told me what had happened (in outline), and I guess my response to that was calm enough for him to feel comfortable proceeding.
But I dont know why I stayed long enough to find out, really. We talked about that the other day, he and I: considering how awful his behavior was on a regular basis, theres no obvious explanation for why I would have stayed, other than hope. He would take off relatively often with no warning and no explanation for days at a time. I found out from his son (who often didnt know what was up, either) and from one of his oldest girlfriends, who was an ex as well, that this had been a pattern for years and years and years. (BTW, hes in his early 50s and Im in my late 40s.) That used to be torture for me, and if I had been more self-preserving I probably would have left. Shortly after his disclosure, I discovered evidence of his recent interaction with other women, which devastated me. He reassured me that these were old attachments, not active now, but it still hurt me deeply and I am not yet sure of his veracity in this regard. But somehow, again, we muddled through.
After he had not disappeared for several months, then he did it again last month, and I was very, very close to giving up altogether. His latest disappearance was what pushed to communicate with people on this site, though, and this source of support has helped. Therapy has also helped: we each have individual ones, and we started seeing one jointly last May, after an especially egregious violation of confidence. (He stood me up at one event so he could go to another, solo; I found out from other people who were at the event, and that was a humiliating experience.) I insisted that we find someone to talk with, otherwise I couldnt continue. We have done well with that, although we are not at all done with the process. It helps keep us focused on what we each want, and what we need to do to make it possible for us to flourish, separately and together.
Being a survivor myself also helps, though I wouldnt recommend seeking out that source of commonality if you havent already endured it. (a feeble joke, I hope youll accept it.) I can, although its difficult, empathize with his own internalized anger, and understand some of his behavior as something separate from me, and in fact something that grieves him not to have more control over, because I believe he sincerely does not want to hurt meexcept on very, very rare occasions. This disappearing habit is outside of his volition in many ways, a protective mechanism that may have outlived its usefulness but is still a recourse in times of stress. I get it, even though I dont like it, and sometimes I can actually tolerate it.
This is all very backwards, actually, because the compensations and adjustments we have gone through still dont explain why I stay. But Ill address one more area before I try to speak to your question more directly. I see improvement over time. Its not always up, but it definitely trends that way. He works very hard at his recovery. He apologizes to me when his behavior hurts me. He sometimes makes direct amends (hes getting better at that). He steadily assumes more responsibility for making our life together more comfortable for both of us. (He is de facto living in my flat, with me and my younger daughter; their relationship is still under construction, but it is improving too.) He does chores and he contributes financially. He continues to try to communicate as clearly as he can, and most of the time he does very well. He has been there to support me, usually, when there have been major crises in my life. There have been two (other) life-changing ones during the time we have been together, plus my continued under-employment, and he was a rock during them, utterly wonderful.
OK, now I will try to explain why I stay, but I may not get far because this is really very intimateeven if I am more or less anonymous! :)
He is the only man I have ever known with whom I feel comfortable being my whole self, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually; were working on the physically, but thats coming along. He encourages me to be big as I encourage him likewise. We laugh together every day, which means that I am capable of being unreservedly funny with him. We know each others deepest secrets, fears, and longings, and we honor them. I feel greatly honored, in fact, to have his confidence on the level that I do. It means a lot for survivors to trust someone enough to be honest with them. We recognize each otherwe SEE each other clearly and unflinchingly. We do have similar politics and similar faith, and these are important elements that contribute to our solidarity, but the differences between us are still a source of fascination and stimulation. Our touch is healing to each other, a source of comfort even in our toughest times. We have a sense of adventure together that continues to inspire us, despite the difficulties of our current circumstances. I am proud of him, and he of me. He is a man of great capacity, truly, and it is a great pleasure to be supported to grow into my own gifts just as he is fully developing his.
I cant imagine my life without him; the connection we have is as cosmic as the one I have with my children (different grounds, similar comprehensiveness). He says the same, and I believe him. I didnt know it was possible to feel this strongly about anyone else.
I do get scared, still, on a semi-regular basis: I have trouble trusting my judgment, because I want so very much for this relationship to work and fear that I am trying to talk myself into believing that it will/can/is. But this is one way that joint therapy helps in particular, so we get some external affirmation for our struggles and our accomplishments.
When things are good, they are FABULOUS, in other words, and so, yes, it is worth the struggleit is an opportunity even more than a challenge. I am SO PROUD of how hard he is working to become whole again. It is the least I can do to respond in kind, by exerting myself to continue with my own journey toward maturity and integration.
Again, good luck to you in figuring out for yourself what you are willing to do.
Honey Girl
 
Thank you all for truly taking the time to reply again. Your answers were all beautiful and inspiring. Funnily, I can say much the same about my bf, and those are very similar reasons that I am willing to stay.

I heard from him the other day which was wonderful, he was with his parents for the 1st time in almost 2 years, he sounded happy. We talked briefly about things, and as is to be expected there is much we need to sort out before we can know if we are going to even try to continue together when he gets back (in 3 weeks).

I also know that my own past has given me a tremendous amount of strength to endure hardship (like I said previously I am not a survivor of CSA) but I had my own traumas at a very young age. In many ways, although I didn't know for the 1st 10 months, I do feel our shared history of painful childhoods enables us to *see* and *feel* things with each other and in general more deeply. I guess I can say that I am no stranger to struggle and the very source of my own pain is also the source of my strength.

I think the main issue that stands in his way is whether or not he is truly ready to have a family. He always said that he wants children, but has also been very certain that he is a long way off from ready.

The fact that I am 33 and he is 35 is a big concern for him because as he puts it, he is afraid to 'waste' my child bearing years only to decide he doesn't want a family afterall, and then it will be too late for me. I have tried to assure him that although I do want a family, that wouldn't be a reason for me to leave him.

He also seemed to be overwhelmed with the decision of whether or not he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and again I have assured him that's not a decision that must be made right now. He has even admitted to me that all the pressure comes from himself, not me, and I don't know why he is so occupied with the need to DECIDE, but these are the things he says he needs to sort out. He also said that he is 'may not want to burden me with everything that comes with his abuse and the sorting it out".

I think I've gone on a long while. Anyway I'm doing my thing, and learning to be patient.

I read a great quote the other day, "The reward of patience is patience". And that really struck me as so true. Because I guess in loving ANYONE no matter what their lot in life, requires ongoing patience, and in my willingness to continue loving him I realize there is no 'quick fix', not for him, not for me, not for anyone.

But a partner to stand side by side with you and walk through it all is the best way I could imagine living.

Oh well.....time will tell.
 
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