New Here- introduction

New Here- introduction
P

psilocybe

New Registrant
Hey Guys,

I'm 22 and I've been dealing with this uncomfirmed notion, which gets stronger every single day- that my father repeatedely sexually abused me when I was a boy. All the signs point to this notion, all the puzzle pieces fit together that this happened, but I still have one little piece of me that cannot believe this.

How could anyone do this? How could my father do this? But everything points to Yes, but I just can't believe it and it drives me crazy.

I have some concrete memories, of him touching me, but the actual long term sexual abuse, seems locked away somewhere. Where it can only leak out in my F'ed up behavior and thoughts. Like my Anger level which is absolutly unbearable, my inability to relate with others at all, my inability to feel love or peaceful, to be vulnerable, to deal with authority, my eating disorders etc... the list goes on forever.

Just without those concrete memories I can't believe that this man could do it. That any man could do something so horrible and F'd up. It makes it worse because I've confronted him and he denied it totally. And my Family is so unsupportive of my claim. It's like I'm still 5 years old and noone believes me, including myself.

The worst thing is knowing that the road to recovery will take a long time. I'm in college. I see my friends having real relationships, having sex, having emotions, having fun- and I'm like an alien. Completely unable to enjoy anything, completely unable to relate to women sexually, just unhappy and extremely pissed off. Angry all the time. So much anger.

I don't know. I just wanted to share what's been going on. I know eventually I will have to learn to Love my father, and Forgive him which is absolutly unbelievably hard to accept right now. But I know that is the only way to heal.

It's so f'ing rediculus not having a childhood huh? When it hurts to be a child. So F'in rediculs.

Thanks for Listening.
 
well, families faced with this often refuse to believe it. i suppose it is easier to deny the abuse than to deal with the fact a loved one could do such an awful thing. you certainly arent alone there.

as far as healing. it is a long road, but it isnt like that entire time you are unable to carry on with life. working with a therapist, you will start seeing a certain level of relief fairly soon. you may not be completely healed or anything, but your ability to be in a relationship is there with the right partner.

as far as your feelings about your father, those come in time. that's the thing about recovery, it is about you, not him. if you need to hate him, then that is okay. it only matters that you process what happened and find a way of having a happy life.

welcome, and i hope you find this place as healing as i have. it is definately a good place to start.
 
Welcome here. I also had a hard time believing my abuse when I first began remembering it. Families can be very protective of the status quo when someone first mentions this. But trust yourself, you have nothing to gain by making this up.

Phoster has good advice that the healing is about you not your father. Forgiveness needs to be asked for, so don't worry about that until you need to do so. he is your father and ther will always be a connection there, but right now it is OK to focus and you and what you need. not what the family needs to continue in the way they are.

Find a good counselor and start your journey to healing. use this site as a place to get support.
 
P,

Welcome to Male Survivor. I hope it will help you to know that all the feelings you have are entirely typical of how a new survivor feels and reacts to what happened to him. None of this is YOUR fault. You are reacting exactly as so many others have reacted: the partial memories, the sexual confusion, the feeling of being detached and an alien. It's all so typical.

There is no easy answer to all this, but I hope you will keep talking here and getting your feelings out in the open. That is so important.

Untimately you will want to get professional help, but I can understand that right now this might seem totally impossible.

But remember: this was NOT your fault, the way you are reacting now is NOT your fault, and you are NOT alone.

Much love,
Larry
 
i dont think healing depends on you forgiving him ,if you can cool but its not necessary to healing at least for me.
 
Hi Friend,

I'm so sorry you are going through this haunting ordeal when you should be out living and loving. I just doesn't compute no matter how you try to rationalize it or figure it out. The fact that someone could do something so cruel to their own boy child just paralyzes the heart.

I hope you know by now that when you signed onto this forum you were no longer alone. The guys here understand how you feel because we've all been there in one way or another. So say what you need to say here. It helps so much to be able to say it, examine it, and read what other's have to say. There is a lot of collective wisdom here.

Post, vent, lurk, read, and most of all learn how to love while you're here, because you are WORTH IT.

Lots of love,

John
 
Welcome brother,
That anger can be a source of growth and healing, with the help of an experience CSA T or counselor.
It's great that you have found this site; visit often. The brothers here can be one of your greatest resources and sources of advice and help.
Again, welcome!
Love, etc.,
 
Welcome brother this is a good place to begin your healing. Lots of help here in dealing with all this shit.


It makes it worse because I've confronted him and he denied it totally.
Click to expand...
In just about all cases the Perp will denie what he did. That doesn.t mean that he is telling the truth.
Beleive your heart. Tom
 
I didn't comment on this right away because I think you needed to hear other things first, but:

I don't know. I just wanted to share what's been going on. I know eventually I will have to learn to Love my father, and Forgive him which is absolutly unbelievably hard to accept right now.
Click to expand...
You don't HAVE to forgive your father, now or ever. You have to do what is best for your recovery, and in time you may decide that forgiveness is something you need to consider. But that is a good distance down the line.

For now I hope you will concentrate on your immediate abuse issues: how you feel about what happened, feelings about yourself that resulted, and so on.

The abuse of a child is a cruel and selfish crime. And recovery is a process that also has to be "selfish", in that finally we have to make ourselves a top priority. The abusers have already opted to pay no heed to our feelings and the harm abuse would do to us as innocent defenseless kids. As we recover, we owe them exactly this: nothing.

Much love,
Larry
 
P, I'm an old guy and we don't have much else in common, but I was abused by my father, can't confirm it, sister won't discuss it. Haven't confronted my father, because he's dead, but I'm sure he would deny it. I'm pretty far down on the brightness list here, but sure would be willing to talk, if you'd ever want to. I'm a good listener and sure do understand where you're coming from. Welcome. Bobby
 
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