New Here - How to Cope

New Here - How to Cope
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blueyes25

Registrant
Hello everyone! I am hoping that this forum helps me understand what survivors go through and how to love from a distance etc.

Here is my story: I have been with my b/f for 2 years. He is an amazing individual with a burden on his shoulders. I didn't know this when we met. Our relationship was going along great and all of a sudden - he freaked - it was very "overnight"- we were shopping for houses, planning a future and then he just up and left without a word as to why - just that he had to "fix himsef". Of course, I had no idea what he was talking about - he just kept telling me how much he loved me, but that he couldn't and that we would fail and that he had to "fix himself" and that he wished we had met after he "fixed himself" and that I was the catalyst that pushed him forward. I still had no idea what was going on, but I reached out and told him to be brave enough to see a counselor. We were broken up for 2 months and I still had no idea what was going on...however, I did know that he ended up seeing the counselor. I just had no idea why. Anyway, long story short - we met up after 2 months to talk about a few things...he told me about the abuse - I was the only other person he told about the abuse, besides the therapist. He lived with this for 26 years and hadn't told a soul. I cried. I told him it wasn't his fault - he cried - I didn't push and he didn't disclose any more other than he was sexually abused for a few years at a young age and that it was a family friend.

Anyway, we tried to stay together after the disclosure, but he quit going to counseling - saying the counselor didn't know what to do with him anymore and that he wasn't "getting anyhting out of it". I saw it as a red flag, but knew I could not push the subject. Meanwhile, I was struggling to hold up the relationship and I felt insecure and unstable b/c I was afraid he was going to run again. It seemed as though he had resealed himself and put up his walls. He kind of disappeared into himself - just seemed really down all the time, quit doing active things he loved, started drinking more, didn't seem as connected to me etc. - and I was still holding on. It went on like this until March of this year.

He broke down again and said he was hiding in the relationship and that he was too scared, so he just did nothing. He said he could not be in the relationship and get through this. He says his plan is to find a therapist that can help him. He says he has to be completley alone to do this. He says is will get ugly before it gets better and that he just wants my happiness and that he cannot take me down with him. He explained to me that he can't "feel" - that he loves me more than anyone else that has come in to his life, but that he can't go any further with "us" until he fixes himself. Says he cannot be what I need right now. He is afraid he will fail and that he will never get better - he is scared to death of intimacy on a larger scale - he is afraid of children - he has built these walls around him and he doesn't understand how love works. He doesn't understand the concept of support and literally freaks when I tell him that even from afar that I will be his rock if he ever needs anyone - he told me "he has to do it all alone and that he doesn;t need to hear about support - that he can't have any." He was crying when he told me this, but when I got confused he just said he couldn;t talk about it - that he wasn't ready...I stopped b/c I didn't want to push further than I already had. :(

So anyway, I took a 9 month job touring the country - to give us space and hope that he can work through some things. Right now, he just seems very scared and his views are skewed, and hard to understand. :( I have no idea what I am doing - I just know how much I love him - he just says he taking a risk in hopes that he can get better. He says if I meet someone along the way, that it would hurt - but to go for it b/c that is what I deserve - he just wants me to be happy - but apparntly, he will not let me be happy with him...he says there is no gaurantee that he will be able to get through this...there is no gaurentee for us and right now the chances are small for us.

Then he tells me how much he loves me and how he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me etc.

Sometimes, he makes me feel like I am being punished for what that man did to him so many years ago - like he associated me as something that "failed" b/c of the abuse - he sat there and told me that our relationship was a defeat he had to accept in order to regain control - that really hurt :( I did not understand. In all honesty, he seems to be completely out of control right now.

This is so hard - our relationship isn't over b/c of lack of passion, unkindness, or anything else -according to him, it is solely based on the abuse. Our issues just complied on top of that. Most of our problems stemmed from that. It is so hard b/c I can't even talk to anyone about why it is over - I am hurting and I am struggling to understand, but I just don't.

I have no idea how I am supposed to move on...if that is what he truly wants me to do. Somehow, I know that our journey is not over and that this space thing is all part of the process. I have no idea what will happen from here and I am scared and upset. I feel like there is no one to talk to b/c no one really knows.

All I know, is that I feel angry - and that the person who did this has not only ruined a huge part of one of the most intelligent, and incredible people I have ever met - but he has also hurt me! I will live with this for the rest of my life. I will never forget and I wish there was some way to help.

Also, he seems to view this as "fixing" himself and being afraid of not being able to. He equates this to "failure". I thought recovery was a journey - it's not like he is going to be able to take a year and "fix" it - he will live with it for the rest of his life - how can he even think he will "fail". This makes no sense to me.

A quick idea of who he is:

He is extremely intelligent and used to being the best at everything. He is a workaholic. He has many friends around, but no one really close to him. People view him as someone who is very put together and stable. They reach to him in a time of need b/c they know he will be there. He doesn't know how to say "no" to anything based on his own needs - so he will sacrafice himself to please others and then get upset. He "appears" one way - but is not at all what he appears to be. I know him well and he is my best friend. It scares him that I am so close to him. He doesn't like risk or change. He is very logical and doens't understand emotion. His emotional growth was stunted (according to the counselor). He goes numb a lot - feelings are kept locked away - he says he can't "feel". He doesn't show emotion very often. He gets upset when I do - it is incredibly difficult for him to talk about anything related to feelings.

I guess any information anyone can give me would help. I just feel so alone and sad and frustrated. I know there is nothing I can do and that he has to take this journey alone. What is the process like?
 
blueyes25,

What is the process like?
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Wow! There's a question if ever there was one! The short answer is that it's incredibly complicated, but I think you can already see that. The survivor is full of so many fears and negative feelings about himself that, in a way, it's difficult to know what to believe or trust anymore. No matter which way you turn a hurricane of issues seems to be coming at you.

One thing the survivor doesn't understand at first is that so many of his negative feelings about himself are not true. That seems to be where your boyfriend is. He was willing to try therapy but bailed on it when it started to get too close to his deepest fears and anxieties.

I'm not sure what you can do to help him at this point, beyond espressing your love and support and hope that he will seek help and keep trying. Talk to the other partners here, that's for sure. All the issues you talk about are ones that they have faced in some form, and it's important that you not feel so alone and lost in this mess.

Much love,
Larry
 
Dear Blue:

I know you are hurting and feeling terribly confused right now. I was so grateful to find this site and learn that other people understand that the "significant other" of the survivor needs support as well. So, first thing, you have done well for yourself to find your way here.

I've read several of the threads on the "friends and family" forum and many of them deal with the anger that we feel concerning what was done to our loved one, and, ultimately, what was done to us.

Your description of your boyfriend could be a description of mine as well! People deal with CSA in many different ways and one of those is to be an "overachiever"...they are always trying to prove to themselves that they are good and worthy. Everyone else believes it but they can't believe it of themselves until they address the hurt inside.

Because their personal boundaries were not respected, they never developed or learned what boundaries are realistic for themselves. They don't know HOW to take care of themselves and they often try to take care of other people in an effort to give others what they wish they could receive.

So, what can you do? Take care of yourself. The thing that really stood out in all that you wrote about what your b/f said to you is that he is ASSUMING how you are feeling and ASSUMING what is best for you and not letting you make that decision for yourself. He cannot tell you what is best for YOU...that is for you to decide. I encourage you to consistently reiterate your love and support and your belief that he is a good person. Then, you have to get yourself ready to go on with your life...it's really hard to give up the illusion of control of another person and make choices based on what is best for YOU, but that is what you have to work towards.

Keep coming back to this site. Read what you can find...I like "Victimes No Longer" by Mike Lew and "Ghosts in the Bedroom" (for partners of survivors), can't remember the author. Read the threads here and on the male survivor discussion board. Consider getting your own therapist so you have someone to talk to without feeling like you are breaking your b/f's confidence. Finally, know that you are not alone...

Clem
 
Blueyes25,

You must love him a great deal. Let me tell you his response that you described tells me he loves you.

When my wife and I were dating I pushed and pulled her a lot. I was actually testing her to see how much she loved me. I did to make sure I could allow her into my protective bubble which has shielded me from the pain of my abuse. When she got closer I pulled further away she scared me. I did not want to be vulnerable ever again. My excuse was the same. I felt a lot of shame, guilt, humilation, loss of control, isolation and fear of being vulnerable and had not dealt with any of it yet.

He is hurting and wants to be loved but will not allow it because he would be vulnerable. Just like the little boy who was abused.

Maybe you could have him visit MS and read through what others have been through here in the survivors forum. It has helped me so much I cannot begin to explain. You might also reassure him that you are there for him and want to see him through it.

I hope this helps you to see things through his eyes.
 
Blueyes,

Im so sorry your hurting. Im sorry your b/f was hurt and by extension you and your life together has been hurt. It sucks.

Before I say anything else let me commend you on keeping your head together, standing by your guy and trying to find out more about what hes dealing with. All of that by itself says mountains of good things for you. Most of your post seems to deal with the present. You say youre touring the county, but are you and your b/f in touch by phone and e-mail? It sounds to me like you are, but I dont want to mis-interpret.

Your description of your b/f sounds very, very similar to mine, except that my b/f is almost 46 years old. You said this:

He is extremely intelligent and used to being the best at everything. He is a workaholic. He has many friends around, but no one really close to him. People view him as someone who is very put together and stable. They reach to him in a time of need b/c they know he will be there. He doesn't know how to say "no" to anything based on his own needs - so he will sacrifice himself to please others and then get upset. He "appears" one way - but is not at all what he appears to be. I know him well and he is my best friend. It scares him that I am so close to him. He doesn't like risk or change. He is very logical and doesnt understand emotion. His emotional growth was stunted (according to the counselor). He goes numb a lot - feelings are kept locked away - he says he can't "feel". He doesn't show emotion very often.
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I could highlight every word and it would fit. I think the part that gets me the most is he says he cant feel. Ive had those words repeated to me more times than I can count. When I point out that when he cries, he feels, I am told that yes, he feels sadness, but thats it. What do you do with that? I too am told that Im loved, and almost everything he does proves that to me, but then he says he doesnt know what love is. He recognizes it if he sees it in other people, but he doesnt feel it.

There is a part of my b/f that is extraordinarily well hidden from the world, but Ive found it, I hate it and its devastating to me. Its devastating to him as well because someone, me, has gotten so close thats its been found. Hes been laid naked on the floor with only me in the room. He doesnt understand why I dont run, as if the being on the floor is a monster to fear instead of a person who has been so horribly damaged. Quite honestly, I dont completely understand myself. All I want is for that damaged part to heal, for the destructive behaviors to stop and for the little boy to become a part of the man I love. Ive got lots of posts around this board that you can read, so I wont go into it here. This is about you.

You said your b/fs goal is to find a counselor to help him fix his problem. Thats good. That shows that he knows there are things to fix. But youre right, its not ever going to go away, hell reach a point where he can deal, but no one will erase the memories. He wants that, every man here and his s/o wants that, but its not the way it is. A good counselor will help him discover that.

Youre smart blueyes. Live your life and keep him in it. Let him search for what he needs and help steer him the right directions when you can. Keep telling him that you support him and love him. One day, hell see its the truth.

All I know, is that I feel angry - and that the person who did this has not only ruined a huge part of one of the most intelligent, and incredible people I have ever met - but he has also hurt me! I will live with this for the rest of my life. I will never forget and I wish there was some way to help.
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Of course your angry and yes, that person hurt you as well. You are a secondary survivor. Ive just recently started therapy on my own. Ive only had one session and unfortunately the next is a month away, but I look forward to it and I know it will help. Think about that for you. We will support you here, but having a real life person to talk to is such a relief.

ROCK ON...........Trish
 
he says he has to fix himself ,just him alone,i dont think its possible to do it alone.if we had the tools to fix ourselves then we wouldnt have a problem ,right? one thing my abuse showed me is how alone a person really can be ,i dont mean alone like you know just by yourself , it is the alone that comes from loosing all hope ,from knowing help is not comming ,so you learn to rely on the only person you got ,you,.no body is gonna support you ,no body is there with you during the abuse its just you alone. so when you become an adult who can you trust and depend on ? no one just yourself. sorry this dont seem to make sense ,but if he is going to do it alone it is going to be a hard road ahead. but i understand his feeling he has to do it alone. shadow
 
Hi to all of you!

Thank you so much for the support and the encouraging words. The hardest part is having this layed on my shoulders and not having anyone to talk to about it - obviously, it's not like I can go out and tell my best friend etc. - that is just out of respect for my b/f.

Yes, we are still in touch. I live here, with him. When he decided he had to do this on his own and completely pushed me away - I had to figure out what to do next. I got offered this mobile marketing tour and decided to take it based on the fact that it is beneficial and will help me reach some of my goals and also, based on the fact that it will give him the time, space, and distance he needs. I know there are no gaurantees, but I think this is the best I can do for myself and for him. I have no intention of abandoning him...I have no doubt that he will remain a part of my life. I know there is no quick fix and that this is going to be a process. It liable to get worse for him before it gets better and it makes me sad that he feels he cannot have support through it.

Last night, I cried and got really angry. I am so tired of being pushed away and whenever I tell him I will be there for him - he tells me when I say that, it hurts him more than helps him. I just don't understand and I told him that I was angry and that he wasn't carrying the weight alone. I said that it was on my shoulders too and that I was so pissed that someone had taken a huge piece of my life and I feel like I am losing the man I love b/c of the incredibly cruel, sick thing someone else did so many years ago. I am indirectly being blamed for what this man did and it is so unfair. I told him I loved him.

So anyway, techincally, we have "broken up" - but we are still living together and still working through this together. Somehow, in my b/f's mind, b/c he says we are "broken up" it feels safer to him or something - who knows. I still haven't left him and I think it confuses him. He makes my decisions for me on how I should feel about this and what I should do. It makes me mad.

I really hate the: "I can't feel" line. It breaks my heart b/c I think I believe him. He vacates and it is odd. He says he has absolutely no control over the walls that go up - that he is completely out of control with the situation. I told him the other night that he opened up and it was so much better and that I have seen him do it. He said that he can't 99% of the time...he just kept saying he "can't" - I told him I didn't care if it was 1% of the time, but that the 1% meant he absolutely can and that he can work through this. He seems to have no faith in himself. :( He gets incredibly pissed off at me becuase he hates talking about it.

Anyway, one day at a time, I guess. I leave on April 13th. I am not sure how to proceed once I leave. I know I need some time to gain some persepctive on all that is happened. I need to give myself some time to deal with myself and my feelings properly. I think it would be best to let him be for awhile. I am not sure if I should contact him after I leave, or let him contact me - and maybe, if he doesn't contact me, then I will truly know he's given up on me. I really don't have any idea what to do. I probably shouldn't be thinking about then - b/c it upsets me. There are no answers, which is why I say it is one day at a time. :(

Thank you all so much, again - it makes me feel good to know that there are others out there that have experienced the same things. It makes me feel less alone.

Please feel free to share anything else you may have - it brings a sense of comfort.

Blue
 
Blueeyes,

It is a hard and lonely road of faith to love a survivor. My heart goes out to you and to the man you love. The pain you are feeling is because of something someone you never met did 20 years ago...think about the injustice of that...

When I lose my mind at night thinking about my guy who ran, just like yours, because of pain, and I think how isolated he is from any friends or family (all abusive) and now from god...how it feels to be inside of him, I cry and sob and kick and scream and it feels like my heart is being ripped out.

He would be safe at home, he could be helped at home, but he won't come home becasue the devil who hurt him took away his ability to trust and he can't trust the one person who, for the first time in his life, would not hurt him. And that kills me. I love him and I want him to stop hurting. There is nothing I can do for him.

I wake up every morning with a gapeing hole in my heart, but I have to move on...I will never get over this and I will never stop feeling his pain and I will always have one eye open for the man who did this to him.

I am coming more and more to the realization that if they do not want help, you have to save yourself.

I am sorry for your having to go through this, it is really awful.
 
Hi Iwantohelphim,

Yes, it is more painful than anything I have ever experienced emotionally. :(

"The pain you are feeling is because of something someone you never met did 20 years ago...think about the injustice of that..."

I think about the injustice of that every single day - it breaks my heart and makes me cry. I feel I have been indirectly victimized - and there is nothing I can do about it...just as there is nothing I can do for my love.

What I realize is that he is frightened...of many, many things both on the inside and outside and that there is nothing to take that fear away, except therapy and himself.

I am sooooo angry, sad, and upset. I don't even know how to express it. I am suffering and watching the love of my life suffer due to something someone else selfishly, maliciously, and cruelly did to him, as a CHILD!!! It just sickens me to know that this goes on everyday in our world and there is no way to stop it from happening. :(

I realize that there isn't really anything I can do, except to reiterate the fact that I love him and that will never change...no matter where I am or what happens, I will never forget.

Right now, I have to move on the best I can. I cannot be with him right now and I know that. He has to start his journey on his own. I am hoping that time and therapy will help. I am still hoping for our future. I know it won't happen over night and that for now, I have to take care of me and be on my own...but I won't give up on him and I won't abandon him. I choose to keep him in my life and give him what he needs - which is time, and space.

The worst case scenario is that he never comes home - the best case is that he does - but either way, my job right now is to take care of myself, respect him, and make sure he knows he is loved.

This has truly made an impact on my life. I will never forget and I would like to help. I know I may not be able to help him - but I would like to give back to the community in some small way - I am one person, but I would like to make a differenc. Anybody know of anything I could get involved in?

Thanx for all the support!

Blue
 
Blue
so many of us build walls between those we love and ourselves, and they take some breaking down.

We build them because we feel we are not worthy of you, we feel soiled and unclean and not fit to be on the same planet as the person we love.
That might sound dramatic, but that's the sort of thing survivors believe, so we do the honorable thing and drive you away so you haven't got to sacrifice yourself to our disgusting and worthless lives.

CSA kills our self esteem and self worth stone dead, it dies with our abuse.
We might well show all the signs of having fairly normal esteem and worth, such as a successful career and lifestyle, but EMOTIONALY we have no esteem or worth, and when we find our perfect partner and fall in love we are faced with this dreadful lack.

We have a choice, retreat and drive you away or stand and fight for what we want.
Quite possibly he's been unlucky in his choice of therapist, maybe they don't have the essential skills and specialist knowledge to deal with CSA survivors? whatever, he's tried and it hasn't seemed to make the impression upon him that it could have, so he's chosen 'retreat' because that's what has worked for all those years before.

It might not have worked perfectly, but survivors are a resourceful bunch who can often use very dysfunctional behaviours and thoughts as 'adequate' coping stratergies. My stratergies kept me going for 31 years, they kept me alive, married and employed, so I have some respect for them even though they were truly bad for me.
And in times of stress they can still surface, but now under MY control, it's not often now because I've learned new methods and stratergies through my therapy, but I appreciate that I can't kill my old coping stratergies off overnight, that ain't gonna happen!

Somehow, just like every survivor I know, he has to recognise that he is a decent, loving, ordinary guy, he needs to reclaim his stunted self esteem and worth.
Then he'll see you as his equal, not the superior, angelic being who's far too good for him.

Dave
 
Somehow, I don't think he sees me as angel - but more of a pain in the ass. ;) He hates to talk about it and when I push he either gets angry, or sad and withdrawn. Lately, it has been more anger than anything. Emotions are running high right now due to the fact that I am leaving the house soon and I am not handling myself very well b/c I am hurting. I end up getting frustrated with him and I hate it.
 
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