New here -- do I belong? (Triggers, sorry)

New here -- do I belong? (Triggers, sorry)
B

Brian35

Registrant
I am so grateful this place exists (thank you google!!). I think I have read just about every post here since I found it two days ago, and already feel like I know a lot of you.

All of the feelings and thoughts people have expressed here are things I've felt and have gone through, and it is so comforting to realize I am not alone. Yet at the same time I kind of feel like a phony, because many of you have had such horrific backgrounds I can't help but think my experiences ARE different, maybe it WAS just kids playing around, and maybe I AM reading too much into it, and maybe my life problems HAVE been unrelated?!

I am a mature, 35-year-old man with a nice home, and a stable, fun job. I travel internationally on business, put together great powerpoint presentations and wow business executives, but as I'm standing up there with my laser pointer, every time I literally want to scream OH YEA, AND WHEN I WAS 12 THESE OTHER KIDS USED TO FUCK ME IN THE ASS AND I LET THEM DO IT AND EVEN WENT OVER FOR MORE... NEXT SLIDE!!!

Fuck, I'm crying and I haven't cried in five years... fuck.

I'll put my story in the story section later. :(
 
brian35,
welcome home, brian. i say that in the sense that this is where the brotherhood of survivors exists on the net, and you are definitely a brother. i know what you mean about reading all the posts you can, when i first came here i went back a few months to get a notion of what was going on. my eyes went all fuzzy for awhile :) . seriously though, you are were you belong to share a healing journey you have begun with us who are also on our own journey. we stand together here, brian. as with any group, things can get hairy, but in the crunch, we stand together. you are no longer alone, brian. pm me if you need to. i am here.
 
Brian35,
Welcome!
It is sad you need us, but we will ALWAYS be there for you.. The brothers here are an immense help, and we will do anything we can to help you travel the lonely road of healing.
Feel free to pm us when you need extra help or assurance. Never forget, I believe you and I want to help you heal. I am not a victim, I am a survivor. I am still early in the healing process, but i will help as much as I am able.
I hope this road is kind to you!
Casey
 
Brian35,

Welcome, glad you found us but sorry you had to. Do you belong? If you have any of the same emotions any of us have, yes, you belong. From just what you said, yes, you belong. When I began going to AA, we newcomers were given the advice to listen for similarities, not differences. One of the legacies that our sexual victimizers left us is that of self-imposed isolation. You belong; keep coming back.

Tom
 
Hi Brian35

Its a shame we had to meet under these circumstancies nevertheless I'm glad you found this site.

I still have difficulties accepting that what happened did actually happen. The words you express "AND I LET THEM DO IT AND EVEN WENT OVER FOR MORE... " certainly rang bells with me. I went back, again and again and again. Why?

One reason I think was, I was on the verge of being homeless and because I was vulnerable with a totally dysfunctional family. I was described by a psychiatrist as being "emotionally deprived", sounds about right to me and my original abuser gave me all those things my parents should have supplied. Things like recognition, encouragement, cuddles and tickling. I was fourteen.

Stay close

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"
 
Brian,

Welcome home. It's is sad that we have to have a place like this. I wish the need for it didn't exist. But I have been lucky enough to meet some of the finest men I have ever known here.

My third perp was the one I went back to. For months. Blamed myself for that one, since I was older then. But still was abuse. And I understand the rage and guilt. So you are not alone. And you will never be alone with this again.

Welcome again. Look forward to getting to know you.

Pease,

Marc
 
Dear Brian,
Welcome. Please realize that you do belong here.

I am a victim like many of the brothers here. Sometimes we dont understand why we do the things we do when we are younger. Although it seems that you voluntarily went back, really your perps have this power over you.

Please continue to come back and write. This journey is a hard one and can be challenging. Please dont give up and take it one day at a time.

Peace and Love My Brother,

One Day
 
welcome. since you are finding a lot of relief here, i am betting you belong here. no one deserves victimized and abused. this place can be very healing. i hope you find what you need.

jeff
 
I originally made the mistake of minimizing what happened to me. By comparison, like you, I thought what happened to me couldn't be real abuse--as far as I remebered it didn't seem extreme or as extreme as what others experienced and told about here.

What I have found out, largely by participating in this site, is that regardless of what happened to us and how we reacted to it then, our symptoms, what we have to deal with today are largely the same.
 
Brian,

The one thing I can add to the above....

You belong.

You're welcomed.

You're believed.

And one that I tell everyone I meet who's new here. It's a little offputting for some, but you should've heard it a long time ago. You should've heard it then. I love you, my brother, no strings attached and nothing wanted in return.

Peace and love, Brian,

Scot :)
 
Thank you all for your words. They mean a lot to me.

I've thought about it this morning and realized I'm not quite ready to deal with this... yet... so I may not be back here for awhile. Someday, but not now.

But thank you and best wishes to all of you struggling with this.
 
Brian
I hope you do come back when you're ready, and I'm sure we've given you something to think about until you do.

Unfortunately the effects of abuse don't seem to go away on their own, god knows we've tried ! but we have to do the healing when we're ready to do it.

There is no league table when it comes to abuse,I was abused mainly by boys barely two years older than myself, I thought it was "just something that happened" but it wasn't - it wrecked my life for a long time.

Take care Brian, and come back whenever you feel ready.

Dave
 
In some ways it is good that you are able to recognise that you may not be ready for all of this yet.

You have broken the silence and that is a big step--it also scares the heck out of most of us.

I hope you take care of yourself and remember us if you feel you want to work on this some more.

Peace be with you.

Bob
 
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