NEW here - can't believe all this

NEW here - can't believe all this
B

Brokenhearted

Registrant
Hello, I am sorry I am here. I have been lurking here about a month and decided to finally log in and post.

I really feel for all of you here as now I am going thrugh so much of the same stuff. About 6 yrs ago (?) - can't really remember - my husband of over a decade told me he was sexually abused as a child. Like many of you here, I did not know how to respond and just said something like, that's no good, and we dropped it. I had NO idea of any lasting effects from such a thing, until all my reading about CSA now.

2 months ago my husband came home, said he's unhappy but does not know why. Sounds like so many of your posts. At first he blamed me - said there are so many things he's not getting from me. We have overall had a good marriage, now have a darling little child, and have never had any huge problems....well, except his infidelity once....I forgave it all, totally, and now though I do look back and see it was probably just another "symptom" of this crazy far-reaching SA from his childhood (maybe acting out). He even admitted at the time that we had no real problems sexually or otherwise in our marriage and that at the time he cheated, he really didn't even know why.

Ok, so back to now....we have had a few other conversations about his unhappiness, and he has mentioned he "trusts no one," "doesn't feel anything" when I hug him or when we're intimate, he says I "deserve someone WAY better" than him, "I am just the wrong guy for you," "If you really knew me you would not love me," etc., all the classic stuff. Crazy.

After I did some reading on the side and just out of curiosity looked up sexual abuse effects, I realized what a HUGE thing this is and how likely it is to be the problem. I see now how so many things relate to his CSA - the way he is w/ intimacy/affection/etc. It is hard to get close to him and now I finally understand why.

He has been very adamant about not wanting any marriage counseling with me. He's said he's not ready to talk to anyone and is like, "Don't push me!" very, very edgy. Finally he has owned that he is the one with a problem and said it's not me, it's HIM.

I have wanted so much to tell him all I have learned, but hesitated, because I think it's best left to a professional. Also I don't want him to decide I'm too presumptious or something, thinking it's this old, childhood abuse issue that is the problem. I hinted one night at it - I was bursting to tell him everything I found out and how it matched him perfectly - but mostly all I said was that he really needs to talk to someone.... He went on to say that it's not depression, it's not "my childhood deal," etc. I honestly don't think he thinks it could be that. Yet sometimes since he is so edgy and adamant about NOT talking to anyone, I wonder if he is somewhat aware, and maybe it is some shame/guilt - which was never his - he does not want to have to reveal.

How can this ever be resolved if he will never talk to anyone? I found out today that there is a great counselor in my town that is a man who has counlseled literally thousands of kids with this issue, and he had even been sexually abused HIMSELF, so I am hoping to get an appt with him soon just to talk to him for one hour for MY benefit, to ask how I should react to my husband's total avoidance of me ,etc. and how maybe I can convince my husband to talk to him or someone.

I have no idea how long this can go on - BUT I did tell him that I'm not going anywhere, he's not getting rid of me, I am committed to this marriage, etc. I believe in us and love him terribly, more so now that I see him as a hurt child, taken advantage of, and hauling such horrible guilt/shame around w/ him.

However, still I have needs too that are going totally unmet, not just no sex, but no real conversation, no hand holding, just sad avoidance. He tells our child bye and "I love you" when he goes to work but still will not say "I love you" to me anymore, not since he announced how unhappy he was. It really hurts and I try to just go on and be normal and hope he will come around.

I do NOT want to lose him and our marriage. My fear is that he will decide that he just doesn't love me anymore since his feelings are numb and will leave and I'll have to raise our precious daughter without a dad. His own dad and mom divorced when he was very young and he's never even met him, another problem that can have lasting effects, I am told.

I now see how he has been looking for his worth in all the wrong places. When we met he had next-to-nothing. Now he makes a great income and has beautiful house, cars, all the latest gadgets, but it is never enough. He works tons, he wants to stay so busy, and now I know why. He doesn't want to sit still for a moment to think or esp. feel. Lately he's been avoiding home almost altogether, though I did get him to agree to try to spend more time around home the other day.

Please, what are your thoughts - Larry? and others as to whether I should haul out all the textbook stuff or not that his childhood abuse is the problem, not me , not our marriage? Presently I am just letting him have "his space" and not hounding him, just trying to have some relaxing normal times together hanging out watching tv at night when possible, etc, just unthreatening times. Maybe I should give this a few more months before bringing it up again. I sometimes feel I am in a panic.

I will take any suggestions you have in conjunction with what the counselor tells me, if/when I get to see him, and see.

Thank you so much for reading this far.
 
Brokenhearted,

If you've been reading here, then you probably know by now that you can't heal him or make him heal. The fact that he mentioned it at all to you says a lot, in my mind. It shows that he trusts you and feels safe talking to you.

But it's still his job, his journey, to get to the place where he can admit how much his past has affected him. I've seen how an absent father during childhood can affect an adult and their behaviors in my ex-wife, and that is another wound he will have to admit before he can begin healing.

It's not abandoning him or anything like that if you choose to do some good things for yourself. Keep talking with your mentor, stay active in your own faith. Seeing the local T just to get some expert advice for yourself is a great idea. Maybe he will have some ideas on how/whether to present the information on healing that you've gathered. Ultimately our husband will have to act on that himself, making and keeping a commitment to healing. In the meantime, please take good care of yourself and your daughter.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hi Brokenhearted,

I'm sorry you're here too.

As Joe says, it's up to your husband when he'll be ready to do something about his current unhappiness. I think that your instinct to hold off on "proving" that his CSA is at fault is a good one.

Therapy isn't like a medicine that will work in someone's body whether or not they want to take it. My partner of ten years didn't start seeing a therapist until about 18 months after he'd disclosed to me, and I really believe that if I'd insisted on him going, all it would have done is cost us 18 months of co-pays with no benefit to him or the relationship.

Also, I believe it was important that he took that step on his own when he felt he needed to. It offered him a sense of power and ownership over his own healing that no amount of "help" from me could match. And that's what it's all about in the end-- reclaiming the power and self-determination that was hidden by the abuse.

Is your husband able to identify things that WOULD make him happy, or specify what it is that he's "not getting?"

You do sound very committed and forgiving. I am glad that you are going to talk to the T for yourself and hope that you come out with a sense of how you can protect yourself in all of this and get your own needs met.

SAR
 
Hi Broken hearted,

I really feel for you. Know how hard it all is and how hurt you must be feeling.....firstly, is it a trained therapist you are seeing? I would hugely recommend that for your own strength and sanity. When I did that, it really changed the whole balance of my relationship and that was a year before my bf went to see anyone. I have to confess that in the end I absolutely insisted my bf went to see someone, as his behaviour in general was making family life a living nightmare really and that was not the life I wanted for my kids. Also, I just couldn't cope with it all anymore. It was either that, or I leave. I have heard thought from many people here that that's not the right thing to do, so I wouldn't actually recommend it, it's just what worked in my particular case. Before I went to see T, I didn't realise I had become so submissive due to bf's emotionally blackmailing behaviour. Also his tendency to throw furniture etc. I didn't see that I was actually quite intimidated/scared and thought I'd been horrible.

Anyway, I'm getting off the point here.....from a lot of what I've read the fear is that you don't want to scare husband away and that's very understandable. But, remember your feelings also count. There are two of you in your situation. The key is learning to express how you feel clearly (unless you already do that). It sounds like your very determined he IS STAYING with you and you with him and I think that's great! :) Conviction that you can be happy together and you love him is a good thing to express. Look after yourself and stay strong, cause then he'll have less cause to think he's bad for you.

The other thing I thought, was that his reluctance to show you any love at the moment might be because he's projecting negative feelings on you which really belong aimed towards the people who didn't protect him as a child. Or something similar to that. Because he'll be very confused at the moment without guidance from a proffessional. But I'm not a proffessional either, so I'm clutching at straws here! But really I just wanted to say, the likelyhood is that he loves you deeply and is just very confused.

You sound like a lovely person, so my guess is you're husband has good support from you and sooner or later you'll both be able to begin to work through this together.

Take good care of yourself and your daughter and come back here often for support, it's a good source of strength for all of us.

Beccy

peace
 
Brokenhearted,

I'll echo everyone else in welcoming you, although I'm sorry you need to be here. I'm not in your place and never have been so I have no first hand advice that might help. It seems that you are doing the right things and I agree with SAR and your own assessment that laying out what you've learned is probably not the right thing to do at the moment. If your husband is retreating into himself, it's likely he already knows.

It's good that you have people you can talk to and count on to support you, but I too believe that see a professional therapist with experience in csa issues would be best. That person will be able to help you and enlighten you in the "real world."

These boards have been priceless to me, but seeing a T of my own brought even more understanding and peace to my life.

ROCK ON.......Trish
 
Brokenhearted,
I think we are two peas in a pod. I sadly empathize with you. My husband and I just celebrated our 11 anniversary and things seem to be falling apart. I mentioned in a previous post that he has been avoiding me and our home for a month now and has no interest in sharing any time with me. I, just as you have, am trying to give him his space and not make him feel guilty for not wanting to be with me. I know that he is aware of how I feel. I am just praying, sincerely praying that he reaches a point soon at which he is truly ready to confront his issues that so greatly affect him as a productive being and our marriage.

The hardest thing I've done in my life is to just let him be. How long that ok?

Passion
 
Thank you, all of you, for your responses to my sad post. I need your expertise and experience.

I did see a T on Thursday. He has been doing 40 yrs of work with kids/adults, and one of the things he specializes in is SA. In fact, he himself had been abused as a child and I thought he could be a valuable source of insight. Also he even has a group of sex offenders he works with, just because he relishes all the knowledge he can get on the subject, and he wants to know what in the world makes them do it.

What I came away with is this: Without him being able to talk to my husband or get inside his head, he can only give educated guesses. He suggested that maybe the reason my husband feels if I truly knew him I would not love him, may be because he could be having sexual identity confusion.

He also stated that, since my husband has been rather aloof and independent in a way throughout our whole marriage (it is just getting WORSE now), and because of his background, he believes he *may* possibly have something like attachment disorder, an inability to bond because of the mother not being there much at all during yrs 1-3, which *might* be true in his case. Not sure....his mom raised him by herself by working a lot. The child does not learn to bond with its mother and therefore has trouble bonding to anyone later as an adult. He just does not need anyone. The T said IF this is so, then it is pretty resistant to therapy because therapy is actually asking the person to bond with the therapist in order to be open about issues and be able to heal.

The therapist said he himself was sexually abused as a child, but he has a lovely wife and loves her. He said he has no trouble bonding to her.

His advice was actually that in order for my husband to get help I would have to pretty much put down an "ultimatim" of sorts to get him to talk to someone. Like, "This has got to stop. We have no relationship, we have no marriage pretty much, and this therapist is very concerned as to why we have no relationship. If you refuse to talk to him or someone else so we can work this out, then I will need to speak to an attorney about my options."

Now, I really am NOT ready to give any kind of ultimatim. The therapist said he wasn't trying to crush me, he just said it is a hard situation I'm in, that I'm too young and attractive and have too much to give to someone who can be whole, and that I deserve to be appreciated in return. Which is true.

I only talked to this T that one time, and have no future appts. I merely wanted some possible insight.

My heart says I don't want to lose my husband, that's the truth, and we have a beautiful little child to raise. I'm going to hang on and just pray and pray.

If my hus. has sexual confusion or homosexual thoughts because of his CSA, which is common and understandable, then it's something he could work through.

I did show some anger/tears the other night about our situation and I have to say he seems to act more respectful toward me since. He is talkative (even if it is only about work) and actually put his arm around me the other day (WOW) and smiled when I came into the living room to say good morning to him and our child, who was up early playing with blocks. Maybe he just needs me to stand up more for myself, not give HIM all the control, let him know that there's two of us here that have feelings. It seems to maybe be a key so far.

SAR, you are right, I should probably ask him what exactly would make him happy. Usually he's just so darn elusive/general about it all. The other night after clearing up the "gay" issue, I said, "Well, you say I wouldn't love you if I knew you, so exactly what is it I don't know about you?" and he would not tell me.

I remember back when he cheated on me, when I finally started throwing things and breaking things, it finally got through to him and he told me later that he didn't realize the magnamity of the situation or how much I was hurting, until that moment. I guess you have to almost crack his head open to get through to him. So maybe when I stand up for myself every now and then with my own anger in defense of MY feelings, he listens, finally, and comes out of his own world of pain he's so wrapped up in right now. I don't know.

I'll keep in touch - maybe not every day but I will check in with you guys. I want to hear how your own situations turn out, hopefully they will improve.

Brokenhearted
 
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