New Here and would like to share my story...

New Here and would like to share my story...
J

JP

New Registrant
Let me first start out by saying that I have admired from afar this site, and only now have the guts to share my story for whomever may listen...

I was sexually abused by my brother for approximately 1 year when I was around 8 or 9 years old and he was 13. Details are fuzzy, and for a while I wasn't sure if what I was remembering was real or just a bizarre dream. Unfortunately it wasn't a dream. I remember him taking me into the bathroom (usually when my parents where grocery shopping on Thursday evenings) and making me perform oral on him until he came in my mouth. He would then leave me there gagging and telling me not to say anything otherwise he would tell on me for doing something stupid.
Fast forward to Aug 2001....my brother and his wife announce that they are planning on adopting a child. I incredibly astonished and overwhelmed by this news, but not really sure why...then I remembered what happened. After wanting to confront him and then backing down, in May of 2002, I finally confront him about it. He admits that he did do it, doesn't know why he did it but is very sorry. I let him know that I don't agree with the adoption because I fear for the safety of the children. He says that he has no intention of harming the children, he just wants to love them. He wants to go to a counselor with me so we can be "one big happy family" ( I should note that I have all total 3 brothers and 1 sister, all older than me). He agrees that we should tell our parents, which we do together (although he again dominates the entire episode with his side of what happened)We all cry and hug and I say that I feel that we should tell the remaining members of the family. Everyone agrees.
My "brother" and I attend some counseling together. The "counselor" writes the episodes off to some "childhood experimentation" and feels that although my "brother" has some control issues, he is no threat to the children that he is adopting.
Then we start talking about telling the other members of the family about what happened. And that's when all hell breaks loose. My brother, and my mom and dad, all decide that we should just keep this to ourselves. I feel more betrayed at that moment more than a I ever have felt in my life. My brother gets upset and tells me that he wishes he never would have admitted what happened, how I'm killing my parents, this is my fault, I'm just doing this to get revenge on him, blah, blah, blah.
Needless to say, that was the last time I have spoken to him. I have since spoken to my parents, several times, and my Dad has admitted that he made a mistake in judgement, and we should tell all the family and see how the chips fall. I am grateful for that and I admire him for owning up to his mistake in judgement.
My brother though...he has told my parents that I had a chip on my shoulder that last counseling session and I became angry and was yelling at him. Unfortunately, he lies. I wish I would have yelled at him. Hell, I wish I would have kicked the shit out of him right there in front of the therapist. But I won't sink to his level...not yet anyway.
Day before Thanksgiving, I'm flipping through the paper and I see a picture of him, his wife and their "kids" that they have brought over from Russia. It's such a piece of crap article, talking about how God wanted them to adopt since they couldn't have their own kids, and God this and God that, and how lucky they are. I want to puke right now it was such bullshit. (oh did I happen to mention that they are very active in Church and she is a grade 3 school teacher)
Well, thats about all I can handle right now. I'm so pissed I need to go relax. I would love to hear what everyone thinks about this situation though, because I trust the wisdom that I have seen in these forums....
 
JP,

I'm sorry you need a site like this, but I'm glad you found it and have opened up like you have. It was hard for everyone here to admit to being abused, not because we're to blame, but that our abusers made us feel that way.

As for your nitwit brother (sorry for sounding so judgmental, but I call them like I see them), well, he's in deep denial over what he has done and the effect it's had on you both. Now, it may sound strange that I have sympathy for him, especially after my first comment, but he was also a child when he did this to you. It doesn't excuse the things he's done, because even at that age, he knew it was wrong, but he was very much into the "I-Me-Mine" psychology of adolescence and you don't think too much of the long-term consequences of actions. Besides, I wonder, where did he learn the behavior in the first place? The switch in attitude and continued denial indicates to me that he may have been abused himself. Bear in mind, though, that I'm not a therapist. (Despite having been through enough therapy in recent years to write a book!)

The therapist you went to, well, it was wrong for him/her to write off what happened as "experimentation." At the very least, there was coercion and force involved in your brother's attacks, so it goes a little bit beyond that. It was wrong for him to make you do what he did, and it's not your fault. It's HIS. Which is probably why he's back on the defensive.

All the brothers here have great insight, and I hope you'll take advantage of that. I also look forward to reading more from you, because you sound like a nice guy and you have a lot to offer yourself.

I've been told recently that this may be a little intimidating, but after what we've all been through, we sometimes need to hear it. I love you, brother, no strings and nothing's required in return.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
JP
Welcome, not that any of us want to be here - but we are, and this IS a good place to be for support and help.

Who knows what your brothers intentions are, other than the man himself ?
Maybe he has got the best of intentions, only he knows for sure.

But hopefully the word is out, and the family will be on his case and watching his every move.
If this information is known amongst them he's unlikely to be trusted with babysitting duties.

As for yourself, well stick around and get some support and help.

Dave
 
JP, I'm glad you are seeking help. I hope you continue in therapy whatever your experience with the one you went to with your nitwit brother. If it were me, I would have great difficulty trusting that particular therapist again. Any SA is SA, regardless of the age of the perpetrator. If it was a single event, MAYBE it's experimentation. But a year? That's SA, IMHO.

I feel your anger and you have every right to be. I was SA'b by a church leader (protestant). He did the same to another boy who told his parents, who told the sheriff, who ran him out of town (circa 1963). Years later, when church events were being discussed around the dinner table, the subject of that man's SA behavior came up. I was about 15 or 16 at that time and said that that man had done the same thing to me. My mother never lost a beat, saying, "No he didn't." I believe that is due to the SA in her childhood. I am very slowly putting together the pieces from her childhood to find out or at least intuit the truth. But as I look back, she betrayed me. She betrayed me in that it was not safe to tell her when I was 8 and the abuse happened. She betrayed me years later during that discussion at the dinner table. Because of that betrayal and for many other reasons, I virtually cut off my family for about 2 years. I am not recommending that, because it can be very difficult. But I needed to do it for my recovery.

I have a major issue with church. So I won't expound on your brother's current stuff. But, JP, you need not expect that anyone in the family wll keep their kids away from your brother. SA victims are sometimes branded as "trouble makers" so that families can continue to live in their denial fantasies. Read the book called The Gospel of Shame about the people abused by Catholic priests. Now there is Hell.

Be well, my friend,
RickB
 
JP,

Welcome. I am glad that you have joined us in your healing journey. And, of course, am sorry that you were put into that need in the first place.

I see that you are in T with your brother. Is this a good idea? To be subjected to his warped since of justification, to be somewhat pressured to accept this as how it was? I would suggest thay you find a T of your own, to help you through your issues of the SA. These issues are yours, not an issue of you and your brother coming to an understanding to get along and accept each other. Take a look at Ken Singer's article on how to shop for a therapist and find one that you are confortable with and that understands CSA and doesn't write SA off as experimentation . From what you have written, your (I'll just use Scot's description) nitwit brother is using the T and your family to justify and minimize what he did to you. All I can see is this line of treatment and support just making things more confusing for yourself.

Perps don't like to be found out and definately don't want to be considered at fault, that why they try (and usually do a heck of a job) to install the guilt and shame on the victim, to keep them quiet.

Take care,
Bill
 
JP,

You admired this site from afar. I remember scouring the web for sites like this every night. I wish it never came to this for you, for me, or for anyone else wondering what happened to them or who would listen and believe.

I'm glad you're not still watching from afar. For me the hardest step was the first, the one that finally started me toward health.

There are a lot of great people that come here and give of themselves. You've seen it while you were watching. Now you can be part of it.

If you're looking for a therapist who knows the difference between experimentation and abuse, try the online listings at RAINN . It's a great resource to use with Ken's Shopping for a Therapist article. I just checked, and they have good coverage of South Carolina.

I hope your 2004 and beyond are very good.

Thanks,

Joe
 
JP - I admire your courage!! It takes strong motivation to step out, speak up and share your story. I'm truly sorry for all the damage done by your brother and family. Your determination to see this thing through is admirable! Your dad was strong in support of you and that is good! In the midst of some pretty lousy stuff, some good things are happening.

Sure glad you're here and sharing! Know you have every right to be angry! What a nerdy therapist
...yes there are real ones out there who know about abuse!! Keep us posted!!

Howard
 
Jp,

*that therapist was a fucking idiot

*People that use religion or the church to make themselves seem squeaky clean are not dealing with their own issues

Thanks for posting so honestly, that took a lot of guts. I really feel for that little boy left in the bathroom. That tears my heart out.

Jim
 
JP,
I wish I could heartily agree with you and everyone that has replied to your posting. But I don't. In my opinion, since your brother was only 3 or 4 years older than yourself at the time, and the fact that he was only 13, a child himself ... it seems to me that you are stretching to try and have him blackballed and labelled by the whole family. He suggested counselling for the two of you, attended and involved your parents, not exactly standard responses from a perpetrator. The counsellor determined he was not a risk to children and that it was largely childhood experimentation. With all due respect, he is a counsellor, the guys who responded here have not met you or your brother. I found the tone of your posting to be unfortunately vindictive. I think it is a huge leap to be thinking that the behaviours of a 13 year old boy would brand him as a threat to children for the rest of his life. I can't help but wonder if there are other issues that are contaminating the way you are responding to this.

oh did I happen to mention that they are very active in Church and she is a grade 3 school teacher
Click to expand...
And there is a problem with this?

Peace, Andrew
 
Andrew, you raise a valid point for not responding to things in a black and white way, and acknowledging the complexity of the situation. I am going to make some points, and they are not aimed directly at you, but your post made me clarify these things in my mind.

These are all my own opinion and I am perfectly willing to listen to someone else's point of view:

the difference between 8 or 9 and 13 is big, much bigger than say 14 and 18. thirteen is a teenager, eight is still a child.

I do agree that people who perpetrate when they are still young do not necessarily carry that behavior into adulthood.

Doing something a few times is experimenting, doing it consistantly for a year is exploitation. Doing something that involves no reciprication and involves serious physical discomfort (gagging) is exploitation.

It is always easy to criticise organized religion, and I am guilty of that often. So, to clarify, its not the religion that makes people decent or not, but how they use it.

It seems like Jp is in emotional distress over this issue, and we only ever hear one side of any of the stories on this board. I take what he says at face value, and support his trying to work through it.

Jim
 
Hi Jim,

Doing something a few times is experimenting, doing it consistantly for a year is exploitation. Doing something that involves no reciprication and involves serious physical discomfort (gagging) is exploitation
Click to expand...
If those are the facts, yes. However, review what was written.

I was sexually abused by my brother for approximately 1 year when I was around 8 or 9 years old and he was 13. Details are fuzzy, and for a while I wasn't sure if what I was remembering was real or just a bizarre dream.
Click to expand...
For approximately a year?? I was around 8 or 9. Then suggesting that: Details are fuzzy , and for a while I wasn't sure if what I was remembering was real or just a bizarre dream.

This in my opinion is an unfortunate family problem that would be better contained than blown up. I think JP has other issues with his brother.

And JP, I don't mean to minimize how you feel. I am just disagreeing with how far you are taking it, and the demands you are making. I am merely responding as honestly as I can to your request for feedback. I quote:
I would love to hear what everyone thinks about this situation though, because I trust the wisdom that I have seen in these forums....
Click to expand...
JP,
I support anyone trying to work through life's challenges as a result of CSA. But it sounds to me like your brother wants to work things through with you, i.e. counselling etc., but that you are more interested in vengence and trying to embarrass him in front of the whole family and community for something that happened when the two of you were children. If he were truly unrepentent and evil, he would have just denied the whole thing. In my view, he has acted entirely appropriately and responsibly after you confronted him.
Peace, Andrew
 
Originally posted by JP:
The "counselor" writes the episodes off to some "childhood experimentation"
Click to expand...
Unfortunately, this is an all too common response. And it is especially disappointing coming from a therapist.

Don't buy it.

He was in a position of power over you which is more than just being "controlling." As such it was abuse not experimentation.

Brett
 
Having read the reponses to JP's post, I have more to say.

It is not uncommon for memories to seem dream-like and fuzzy to begin with. Clarity may or may not follow. It is not uncommon for it to be difficult to remember exactly at what age the abuse occurred when it was experienced by a young child. Unless it can be associated with other markers, it will probably seem vague.

Regaining exact memories of what occurred are not as important as dealing with the feelings that a person is still experiencing.

Anger, resentment, and "victimhood" are natural responses.

I agree that recognizing and using support is important. It is heartening to hear that JP's parents (father, anyway) and even his brother are supportive of recovery.

I wonder if group therapy can be productive, however, while JP is unable to accept his brother's willingness to help.

The religion thing is hard for me to repond to because I still feel resentment towards the Christians that I was surrounded by while I was being abused.

My family was very active in the church. Sunday after Sunday, in Sunday school, bible school, all during Lent, on every church holiday and during family devotions, people professed a lot of nice things about helping one another and watching out for children in particular.

For me, those were pretty empty words.

I suppose its not fair to expect that just one out of all those hundreds of people might have stepped in and done something, befriended little Brett and helped him out but that's where I'm at.

Consequently, I think I can understand JP's resentment of the church.

Brett
 
boy this brings up something i struggle with all the time, child on child abuse. sure a 13-15yo boy knows exactly what he is doing, and knows it is wrong to molest a young boy. does he have the same maturity and understanding that an adult would? i am not sure of that. teens are still kids, and very confused, screwed up kids at that. i look to my teen years, and i realize i was already screwed up, but even if i wasnt, i would have still done many things i wouldnt be proud of. part of maturing is learning and growing, and at 13 we all still had a lot of learning to do.

i am not saying this releives your brother or my abuser of blame. they are still molestors, but can we hold them as accountable as we would an adult? i'm not sure where to draw that line. when does one stop being a child? i think for everyone that is different. i do know when i place myself in my abuser's shoes, i am not sure if i made good decissions when i was that age. i am not even sure that i should expect someone that age to make good decissions all the time. they simply lack that maturity.

this doesnt change the affect on me, and how it damaged my life, but i feel at least a little empathy for my abuser. odd, perhaps, but i can understand how screwed up a teen can get. i have a hard time hating him. i have been angry with him, but i cannot loath a boy.

i guess that's me. i cannot carry hate around, it is too heavy a burden. it is easier for me to let it go. i can never know that boy's motivation or if he even remembers it. i can never judge him, punish him, or make him regret. i can leave that in God's hands, and work on my own life. i'm not sure that means that you have to have anything to do with your brother. you can focus on yourself, realizing he may never lament the way you would like. you can take care of yourself, and how the family reacts be damned. screw 'em all, their not worth it.

i am not sure what all this means to you, but i hope you can make peace with yourself, and if it ends up making peace within your family so be it. we cannot answer for others only for what we ourselves do in life. sometimes, leaving others to own thier own actions, and focusing on ourselves is the only thing we can do.
 
I have to admit that a 13 year old is different than an adult but I think that abuse is abuse no matter who perpetrates it. What we are dealing with is the aftermath of it. It doesn't matter how old the person was doing it and whether or not they admit it or help with our recovery.

It seems that most or all of the abuse that I experienced as at the hands of older boys. I know for a fact that this does not lessen or minimize the impact it has had on my life.

See my poem "floating" in the poetry section. This is as close and as positive I have been able to get with what I remember so far.

Those boy(s) had absolute control over me. They were responsible for that.
 
Jp,
your post stirred up a lot of issues, which happens here because we are trying to discuss openly things which are hidden or ignored in the rest of the world. Its good that you posted your experience, feel free to post more as you need to.
Jim
 
Thank you for all your responses and support. Andrew, I want to say that I appreciate your honesty. I didn't come here be coddled and told that I am absolutley right about everything. I do have a few responses to your responses. First:
I am sorry that I can't completely remember the age that these things happened, sometimes I wish that I didn't remember as much as I have, and other times I wish that I remembered more. I can tell you that my brother is six years older older than me, so I would have to say that if these things happened to me when I was 8 he was 14. I am sorry about the mis-communication yesterday. As I wrote, it just all spilled out without really looking at ages. Sorry for misleading everyone. As far as the details being fuzzy, this is something that happened 24 years ago and has been repressed for 19 of those years, so again forgive my not knowing all the details. I can tell you with absolute certainty, that this indeed did happen. I remember clearly him making me give him head, telling me to swirl my tongue this way and that way until he came. I can still picture clearly him standing over me as I was gagging and spitting into the toilet," you better not say anything about this" I can also remember him making me and my friend play "truth or dare" and making me act like I was giving my friend head. As far as any other things, I don't remember the details. But my brother is the one who said that it went on for a year, why would he say that unless it did?
As far as the church thing...it just strikes me as odd that he would run and escape to the Catholic church and be in charge of the youth activities. Maybe it's harmless, but it just makes me wonder, especially in light of all the problems that have surfaced in the Catholic church....
Am I bitter? Yes. I freely admit that and I feel I at least have the right to be a little angry. Was I bitter when the whole thing first came out? No. I took him at face value and was willing to try and forgive him and hope that it was something that he truly felt repentent for. He at first said that he wanted to go thru counseling so that we could become a family again. Well, aren't families supposed to be honest with each other and not hold secrets? That was the whole basis of my wanting to come out with it to the whole family. Not to shame him or disgrace him in front of the whole family, in spite of what you interpreted in my original post, and the whole point of me originally coming forward with this is because of these adopted kids. That is who I am afraid for more than anything, because if something happens to them and I could have prevented it, that would KILL me. That would be even more painful than what happened to me and I don't think that I could look at myself in the mirror anymore.
Well....to quote Forrest Gump(which parts of it were filmed less than a mile from where I lived here in South Carolina and just got the DVD for x-mas) that's all I've got to say about that....for right now anyway...
 
the serial abuse I suffered started when I was 11, and the boy that started the grooming ( and that's what it was ) was 13. He then introduced his friend, also 13.
Later on some other boys, also the same age, and a teacher joined the group.

The difference in age was immense to me back then, even though I was physically very tall and athletic.
My mind was still 11.
They knew different things than me, and the main thing they knew was how to use power and coercion.

That worked to a degree, but when I showed some resistance to going 'all the way' with them then force was used, I took a severe beating and was raped by 5 or 6 of them.

I believe that sexual abuse is more about the abuse of power than sex. Sex is a major factor for sure, but I think that the control over another person is just as important to the abusers.

I've watched boys, my friends and family's kids as they've grown up and compared the difference between 11 and 13, and it's a big difference.
I now realise just how powerless I was.

Dave
 
JP, Lloyd and others, I am not arguing that what took place was abuse. However, the age of the perpetrator (13 or 14) and the fact it didn't happen after that one year time period, and the appropriate responses he gave upon being confronted, in my opinion, mitigates the circumstances to warrant a more measured response. I see absolutely zero value in bringing the whole family into it. What is there to be gained? Not a whole lot except revenge, and my fear is that it will irreparably hurt any possible relationship between JP and his brother and possibly contaminate relationships that JP may have with the rest of his family. Sometimes these things have a way of back firing and blowing up in our faces. Peace, Andrew
 
Um, wow. That is a lot to deal with and digest.

Your brother, to me, he sounds like he still has 'control' issues, and that kind of control, I think, could be very dangerous. I think anyone who thinks he would not be a possible danger to children still, is very stupid.

I am not sure that I have advice to give you, or opinion of things, other then what I already say. I do feel that what was done was abuse, and was wrong, and he is still abusive, by being so dominating and a liar.

By the way, I am from Russia originally, and am sad that the children he chose to adopt are brother and sister of my homeland. Unfortunately, even with a not good father, their life here could be better then life in orphanage in Russia. That is a sad thought to me.

Welcome here, I hope that you post more at this site, and share more ofyourself. Take good care.

leosha
 
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