New here and struggling
Hi. I have been reading some of the posts in various forums for a few weeks now but finally decided it was time to introduce myself. Another recent introduction resonated with me as there are many similarities. I will leave the details about my abuse out of this post but I am struggling with how it all came crashing down. Had a good career going with a wonderful wife and family. My reveal was ugly and finally came after repeatedly denying and lying about the abuse for many years. My marriage appears to be over because my wife cannot accept how I was acting out - so many things done wrong including turning to porn and ignoring her... not responding to her many attempts to reach into me to help me figure out what was wrong, and then ignoring her pleas to stop drinking, to come to bed etc. I did the opposite... drank more, ignored her more. I have since started therapy which has helped but I struggle at times wondering how I can go on. I can only only describe the past few years in particular of having compartmentalized my life, with a person who was barely able to get through the work day and while doing so was angry, unfocused and confused. Then a second person would emerge, one that as I have described above who could only get through the night by drinking heavily until I passed out. If I felt like shit the next day I was happy because the pain and anger that drove me through my day was replaced with being hungover, at least until that changed. I also realize now that I have been doing this for decades but as the pain and shame tried to surface I pushed back harder, leading to more and more anger and denial and lies and drinking.
Since I started therapy I have realized that I was responding to trauma, that my mind was trying to protect itself from it and was doing ugly things in so doing. What hurts the most is that I had someone there to help, and I destroyed that, and while I am feeling better than I was a year ago I still hurt from the trauma and now the guilt of hurting a most wonderful person because I didn't have the courage to share what was distressing me. I held the secret for 40+ years; I had always planned to never let it out. My actions, lies, denials and even today my inability to share with her at times about how I feel continue to erode what is left. I have to go on for the kids' sake but today I do not know how or if I can. My therapist has recommended I continue with DBT but I do not know ... I hurt so much over so many losses, the road of destruction that my life lived on for so many years, the numbness of living but not truly living, and so much uncertainty going forward.
Anyway, hi again. Thanks for reading.
Since I started therapy I have realized that I was responding to trauma, that my mind was trying to protect itself from it and was doing ugly things in so doing. What hurts the most is that I had someone there to help, and I destroyed that, and while I am feeling better than I was a year ago I still hurt from the trauma and now the guilt of hurting a most wonderful person because I didn't have the courage to share what was distressing me. I held the secret for 40+ years; I had always planned to never let it out. My actions, lies, denials and even today my inability to share with her at times about how I feel continue to erode what is left. I have to go on for the kids' sake but today I do not know how or if I can. My therapist has recommended I continue with DBT but I do not know ... I hurt so much over so many losses, the road of destruction that my life lived on for so many years, the numbness of living but not truly living, and so much uncertainty going forward.
Anyway, hi again. Thanks for reading.