New here and struggling

New here and struggling

Inturn

Registrant
Hi. I have been reading some of the posts in various forums for a few weeks now but finally decided it was time to introduce myself. Another recent introduction resonated with me as there are many similarities. I will leave the details about my abuse out of this post but I am struggling with how it all came crashing down. Had a good career going with a wonderful wife and family. My reveal was ugly and finally came after repeatedly denying and lying about the abuse for many years. My marriage appears to be over because my wife cannot accept how I was acting out - so many things done wrong including turning to porn and ignoring her... not responding to her many attempts to reach into me to help me figure out what was wrong, and then ignoring her pleas to stop drinking, to come to bed etc. I did the opposite... drank more, ignored her more. I have since started therapy which has helped but I struggle at times wondering how I can go on. I can only only describe the past few years in particular of having compartmentalized my life, with a person who was barely able to get through the work day and while doing so was angry, unfocused and confused. Then a second person would emerge, one that as I have described above who could only get through the night by drinking heavily until I passed out. If I felt like shit the next day I was happy because the pain and anger that drove me through my day was replaced with being hungover, at least until that changed. I also realize now that I have been doing this for decades but as the pain and shame tried to surface I pushed back harder, leading to more and more anger and denial and lies and drinking.

Since I started therapy I have realized that I was responding to trauma, that my mind was trying to protect itself from it and was doing ugly things in so doing. What hurts the most is that I had someone there to help, and I destroyed that, and while I am feeling better than I was a year ago I still hurt from the trauma and now the guilt of hurting a most wonderful person because I didn't have the courage to share what was distressing me. I held the secret for 40+ years; I had always planned to never let it out. My actions, lies, denials and even today my inability to share with her at times about how I feel continue to erode what is left. I have to go on for the kids' sake but today I do not know how or if I can. My therapist has recommended I continue with DBT but I do not know ... I hurt so much over so many losses, the road of destruction that my life lived on for so many years, the numbness of living but not truly living, and so much uncertainty going forward.

Anyway, hi again. Thanks for reading.
 
@Inturn,
You are welcome here. I am glad you came to these message boards. I can honestly say, "I get it." and I'm not the only one who does. Before I say anything else, i want to let you know how brave you are. Our minds shut down facing our trauma at every turn because it is genuinely scary. To face it, look at it and try to understand and undo some of the results of that trauma takes guts. Well done. Coming here was a choice to live and stop dying, whether for the sake of your kids or your wife or yourself. We are here, we hear your words and we're ready to listen to more. You don't have to be alone with this anymore.
 
Thank you Inturn. I was a member since 2011 and my first ever post was over a week ago...took me almost 10 years to have the courage. Thank you for opening up and everyone here is so wonderful and has made me feel welcome and that I wasnt alone and that all that I am feeling is not wrong or stupid or not worthy. Find courage out of the bravery here and let that be your light.
 
Yours is a very sad story Inturn but as you know from reading on the board, there are a great many sad stories, some that are absolutely horrific. What marks all of them is how long it takes for us to acknowledge our pain and to seek help. Us guys are supposed to be strong. Not showing weakness is part of the code of masculinity, so we do as you did... drank, used acted out sexually and hid our pain from everyone who cares for us. I've gone through four marriages, leaving wreckage behind even as I told myself they were all better off without me. I was a piece of shit after all. Why should they stay?

You've taken a huge step introducing yourself to all of us. I'm sure your therapist is working hard on your behalf, but when you walk through the doors here you find men who know this territory from first hand experience. You tell us the truth and we'll listen without judgment. And we'll have your back as you grapple with the painful feelings, the confusion, the sadness. But please don't give up on yourself. You have children you doubtless love. They will be eternally grateful for the efforts you make to heal the pain you carry so you can be the dad you want to be. I'll certainly not resume an intimate relationship with my last wife, with whom I maintained a friendship for many years. She has said to me that there is more honesty in our relationship today than we ever found before... in large measure because we've each been working with the trauma we carry. You and your wife will be parents for so long as you live. It IS possible to heal and it is possible to mend relationships... so don't give up on yourself. Stay close to the board and engage in conversations that speak to you. You'll find kindred spirits here who will surely support you in your healing journey. Thanks for introducing yourself. I look forward to seeing you on the board.
 
It IS possible to heal and it is possible to mend relationships... so don't give up on yourself..

I always tend to agree with my friend Visitor. He has amazing advice and wonderful words of wisdom. You can re-read his whole post but i wanted to emphasize this quote. It particularly rang true for me--it is the truth. Find your truth, whatever that may be for you. Also, be open to it changing over time. *That* is the journey.

be well,
-Ct
 
@Inturn Welcome to MS. It's painful to read how it's all come crashing down. But know you are not alone. These things are more powerful than a surface glance would predict, we know that first hand. You are not crazy or weak, you are in pain. And I am sorry. But I also know going through this is what needs to happen for the pain to loose it's life force inside of you. Be brave. It's worth it.
 
Reading your post was so hard for me because there's so many similarities in my life. I was looking at posts for almost 4 weeks before I decided to put something on. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life, it has definitely been worth it so far. If you ever want to chat let me know seems like we're going through the same thing and might be at the same point. Good luck and keep posting
Jas
 
Hi inturn

Welcome to MS. glad you had the courage to reach out. this is a good place to come and share with others.
 
Hi. I have been reading some of the posts in various forums for a few weeks now but finally decided it was time to introduce myself. Another recent introduction resonated with me as there are many similarities. I will leave the details about my abuse out of this post but I am struggling with how it all came crashing down. Had a good career going with a wonderful wife and family. My reveal was ugly and finally came after repeatedly denying and lying about the abuse for many years. My marriage appears to be over because my wife cannot accept how I was acting out - so many things done wrong including turning to porn and ignoring her... not responding to her many attempts to reach into me to help me figure out what was wrong, and then ignoring her pleas to stop drinking, to come to bed etc. I did the opposite... drank more, ignored her more. I have since started therapy which has helped but I struggle at times wondering how I can go on. I can only only describe the past few years in particular of having compartmentalized my life, with a person who was barely able to get through the work day and while doing so was angry, unfocused and confused. Then a second person would emerge, one that as I have described above who could only get through the night by drinking heavily until I passed out. If I felt like shit the next day I was happy because the pain and anger that drove me through my day was replaced with being hungover, at least until that changed. I also realize now that I have been doing this for decades but as the pain and shame tried to surface I pushed back harder, leading to more and more anger and denial and lies and drinking.

Since I started therapy I have realized that I was responding to trauma, that my mind was trying to protect itself from it and was doing ugly things in so doing. What hurts the most is that I had someone there to help, and I destroyed that, and while I am feeling better than I was a year ago I still hurt from the trauma and now the guilt of hurting a most wonderful person because I didn't have the courage to share what was distressing me. I held the secret for 40+ years; I had always planned to never let it out. My actions, lies, denials and even today my inability to share with her at times about how I feel continue to erode what is left. I have to go on for the kids' sake but today I do not know how or if I can. My therapist has recommended I continue with DBT but I do not know ... I hurt so much over so many losses, the road of destruction that my life lived on for so many years, the numbness of living but not truly living, and so much uncertainty going forward.

Anyway, hi again. Thanks for reading.


All I can say is - The same exact thing happened to me, and I feel the same way.
 
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