New here and Really bummed out

New here and Really bummed out
T

Tom S

New Registrant
I am new to this place. I recently found out about this site. I was sexually abused multiple times as a child and never realized the effect it had on my life, in fact I had blacked it out for years. Now my wife of 17 years has told me she wants a divorce because I could not be honest with her (I would never tell her how I felt) and it brought up all these bad thoughts of the past. It drove me to attempt suicide just over 2 weeks ago (7 Mar 04). That was when I found the book by Mic Hunter and I could put my name on everything in it. I go back and forth on whether or not I want to live. I don't want to live my life without my wife and son, but it seems that there is no fixing this marriage. I am so angry at the people who did this to me. I am going to begin counseling in the next week. I hope that it keeps me going till I can get through this.
 
We all are with you and sympathize. In one way or another, we all have hurt the people that are close to us and we care about because of the assaults. Hang in there. Definitely go to therapy. This place that you are at right now, is the worst place to be. It might not feel like it, but there is very little room for downword movement left. Up is really the only direction that you have left. You have already started going there. By being here. By starting therapy.
We are here for you to lean on as much as you want.
Best wishes for your future.
 
Hey, Tom:

I'm so sorry, man.

Please know that your brothers on this site are familiar with the place that you are right now, and many have had similar feelings and experiences.

I just read the Hunter book last week, myself, and it was really illuminating for me, too... and it is the start of healing. I will keep you in my positive thoughts and prayers, and I hope that you will look forward to a brighter day.

It is out there. Oath.

Take good care of yourself. You are worth it.

Kurt
 
I've just started dealing with my abuse recently too so I really can't give much advice at this point except that talking about it does help. And this site has a lot of awesome people who are willing to help you.
I hope things work out in the long run.
Nao
 
My wife left me in August of last year under similar circumstances as you describe. At first is was horrible. I couldn't work, eat or sleep. But with a little effort, it does get better... A LOT better. And now you don't have to do it on your own. You have this group to help you through the dark times and celebrate the triumphs.
 
though i didnt realize it at the time, or wouldnt admit it anyway, i lost my ex wife and a fiance to my abuse issues. my wife and i are working through it, but i nearly lost her to an affair i had. abuse makes us withdrawn, and takes away our ability to share and be open in a relationship. i guess i shouldnt speak for everyone like i'm some all knowing dude, but i have read enough to realize certain things are almost universal with this stuff.

welcome, and you should be proud for the steps you've taken. it will take some work, but there is light at the end of the tunnel once you get there.
 
Tom S,

I'm glad you found this place. It has helped me an awful lot since I've been coming here. I'd been married to my late wife for 28 years when I finally told her about the abuse that happened 38 years before when I was 11-13 y.o. She was very supportive of me but I never truly realized the extent of her support until after she was gone. I've been alone for almost a year now, it does get better, not as fast as I want it to, but it does.

Take good care of yourself, you're connected with an extraordinary group of men here who understand without the need for explanation or translation. Find a qualified therapist, use all the resources here on the site, there are a lot of them.

Steve
 
This is my third suicide attempt in 14 years. I didn't understand it the times before. I attributed it to job stress and thought that the last time (10 years ago) I had it under control. I guess not. I agree that there is very little room for downward movement, but wnat worries me is thet there is still room for downward movement. I am trying my best to get through that, I have my first therapy appointment on Friday but will probably be moving to Atlanta in the very near future so will need to start the hunt for a therapist in a new place, I have gotten a few leads from someone, but I worry about the rest of the move pieces, too. I know I have very marketable skills but I am scared about a job (I am retiring from the Army right now) and the divorce that will be hitting any time now. All these things seem an awful lot to bear at one time, and I am just looking for help in dealing with all of it.

Thanks for your replies, they left me in tears, but that was not a bad thing.
 
Tom sorry for the delay in adding my 2 cents worth.

Like you I tried suicide three times. The one time when I actually believed I had been sucessful (shot myself in the chest) I never wanted to live like I did then. God must have been looking down on me cause I only hit a lung and collapsed it.

That is not a place we should go because them the friggen perps win. We are quiet forever.

Good luck with your Therapist on Monday. You are moving to Atlanta; ask him/her if she/he can make a referral for you. Alternatively check out this url
https://www.malesurvivor.org/Resource%20Directory/Georgia/index.htm

You have joined a true brotherhood here that is full of compassion, strong shoulders and lots of wisdom. Thank you for adding yourself to this.
 
Tom
changing from Victim to Survivor, as you are doing because you have started to recognise and accept what happened to you instead of trying to deny it, is a brave and difficult thing.
It can also mark the beginning of a new life free(er) of the pain we lived with. I fought my memories for 31 years before I accepted help or even told anyone. But 5 years on I have a different life that's pretty damn good.

For you, you also have the painfull breakup of your marriage and a big move, but that can also mean a change for the better with the right attitude. It's not going to be easy I know, but it could be the start of the new Tom.

If you go to a therapist where you are now explain right from the beginning that you are shortly about to move away, and they will likely just do some basic stuff and leave the real hard work to the next therapist. Maybe even suggest this to the therapist.

There is a better life out there Tom, many of the guys here will tell you this, and it's worth the effort believe me.

Take care
Dave
 
Tom S,

I'm glad you found us. I really urge you to go through with the counseling. You're military, so you know what is meant by debriefing. Well, that's we are all going through when we talk at this site and to our therapists. It is so necessary. Those secrets which we keep, even from ourselves (I never even knew I had abuse in my background until spontaneously memories began to come back me a year ago), really pollute and poison our lives and relationships. For me, sexuality has meant so much shame and yes, pain, that I've never even been engaged. So, listen to the guys here; I've learned that there's great wisdom here.

Tom
 
Tom,

Welcome to MaleSurvivor.

I recently was divorced. She says she felt that I wasn't showing her any love and was distant, among others. Effects of the SA. That is what pushed me to therapy, first for the depression the impending loss of my wife. It took about 15 minutes into therapy to find out it was about the SA. I told my wife shortly there after about the SA without much detail. But it was too late, I had "lied" to her for not telling her about it earlier, back when she cared. This did end up in a suicide attempt, more of a cry for help and to see if she even cared a little. She didn't and I am better today without her as my wife.

Counselling has been a wonderful thing for me. I wish I would have done this years (I mean decades) earlier. I also have an excellent pdoc, that too helps. Along with support for the fine guys here at MaleSurvivor.

Things may seem down now, but they will improve.

Bill
 
Tom,

So sorry to hear of your abuse and your current problems with your wife. Abuse hits us hard, but we can survive it. My wife and I struggle with the after effects of my years of abuse. I hope you wife is willing to work with you and you come to terms with your past. the guys here will be here for you. Use the message board and the chat room as tools in your recovery.

Peace to you and good thoughts as you start therapy.

Ken
 
Tom,
I also just got a divorce from my wife of 18 years, I've been dealing with my abuse for about 2 years now. Some days it felt like it was going to distroy me and other's I felt like I could be king of the world. The one thing that remanded the same was the men on this board and the support I got from them. Shortly after I started to deal with my abuse I had to check into a hosiptal so I wouldnt hurt myself. Keep posting you are in the right place.
James
 
welcome here Tom. I am very sorry, as always, that you have reason to be here. The more members this site gains, the more I feel disturbed by it. I am grateful of course that it is here, for me and for you, and everyone here. But it is horrible that it is required.

I hope that the counseling will help you. Perhaps you and your wife could do some counseling as a couple also? I wish you well, and good luck with your healing journey.

Leosha
 
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