New here and question: Afraid to hurt partner?

New here and question: Afraid to hurt partner?
A

Alan A Dale

New Registrant
Hi,


***might trigger***
I'm new, and don't feel like introducing myself yet, but I have one thing that bugs me a lot:

Even though I don't think I'm in real danger of becoming a perp, I am triggered like hell when i hurt a partner accidentally. I mean more the emotional type of hurt. I had one partner starting to cry during sex, and even though I knew I didn't do anything wrong, I went into a petrified guilt state.
Now another partner felt "humiliated" in a conflict situation. I try to tell myself that I didn't do anything wrong and that other people have triggers too, and might feel that way without me actually doing anything that crosses boundaries-- but knowing is different from feeling. I still *feel* like a perp.

*******trigger********

There was an incident in my childhood (age 4) where I touched another child to act out the CSA (nothing violent). And my mother often accused me of harming her (she is a survivor of incest).

******** end trigger********


Can anyone relate?

Alan
 
Alan,

Welcome to the site. There's no hurry to introduce yourself or to do anything at all until you are comfortable about it. Just get used to the place first and set your own pace. I'm glad you found us. If you hang with us you will quickly see that here you will find a lot of support and understanding.

As for the issues you raise, I can say, first of all, that when at the age of 16 I had my first opportunity for sex with a girl, I wasn't able to do it because I feared I was "becoming like him". This may have something to do with how you are being triggered. Abuse taught you as a boy that sex is about causing harm, and that the world is full of danger that can arise at any time. So now, when someone reacts in a negative way to whatever you are doing, and especially when sex is involved, those old fears are triggered all over again.

You are so right when you comment that "knowing is different from feeling"; knowing is an intellectual response, while feeling is emotional. The latter is especially hard for us as survivors.

I think it's absolutely safe to say that at the age of 4 you could not possibly have realized what you were doing and what it meant when you touched another child sexually. You were simply doing what you had been taught, like a kid who repeats a new word even when he doesn't know what it means.

As for your mother, does she mean you caused her harm sexually? If that's what she's on about and it occurred when you were a boy, then the responsibility lies with her and not at all with you.

Much love,
Larry
 
Dear Larry,

Thank you for your welcome.

What a relief to hear that others know that problem too. I somehow feared feeling that way *proved* that something is wrong with me, if you get what I mean.

" when at the age of 16 I had my first opportunity for sex with a girl, I wasn't able to do it because I feared I was "becoming like him"."

How did you get over that? Because I think that's where I'm still stuck. I sometimes feel the responsibility is just too much for me. And I see women as esp. vulnarable, though I know that is just a prejudice.


About my mother-- well, nothing occured, but she always had obsessive stuff going like "You want to kill me!" (at age 10 or earlier, needless to say that I intended nothing of that sort) etc. Also, she always blamed me for for everything. She is very paranoic, and hates men.
(I feel for her as a survivor but her acting out on me was just not ok).

Alan
 
Alan,

How did you get over that? Because I think that's where I'm still stuck. I sometimes feel the responsibility is just too much for me. And I see women as esp. vulnarable, though I know that is just a prejudice.
Click to expand...
I'm afraid my answer isn't the one you need, since it involved a lot of confusion, alcohol and drugs. By the time I was 17 I was in a kind of denial and could relate to girls sexually without being overwhelmed by images of what had been done to me. But it certainly wasn't a healthy way of relating, and it wasn't until I met my wife 14 years later that I can say I had a stable confident relationship.

This is one of those issues where we really need a good therapist. There's a lot of pain and drama in the cards here, and a T will help to get you through this one with as little new difficulty as possible.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thank you again!

So you think this is "just" a trigger, where we see our partners somehow in our own past victim role and where we thus see ourselves as the perp?

Alan
 
welcome,

i know i am almost paranoid about hurting my partners. it makes it hard if you are with someone that likes to feel dominated, and perhaps even have you inflict a little discomfort. i believe i am like this because i know what it is like to be hurt, really hurt. now i overcompensate the other way, by avoiding anything that might hurt my partner either emotionally or physically.

it can be really hard on a relationship, because i have real problems confronting my wife when i am unhappy, or standing up for myself. what i found is like most things, you can make it better by practice and work. i just had to force myself to do the things i didnt always like.
 
Dear Phoster,

I'm so relieved to see that this pattern is common. I felt really freakish for it.

"i believe i am like this because i know what it is like to be hurt, really hurt. now i overcompensate the other way, by avoiding anything that might hurt my partner either emotionally or physically."

I'm the same, and it makes things so complicated.
I recently hurt a partner emotionally, and it is impossible to say for me if that was just the normal hurt that sometimes happens when we don't give or are what the partner wants, or if I did something very wrong. Always when my partner hurts I feel like I have committed a terrible crime, and I try to prevent it at all costs.

Alan
 
i remember acting out with girls after my abuse. i remember how small they were, and i thought how bad it must hurt for a man to penetrate them. i never had intercourse with anyone until i was an adult, because i was so scared of hurting them.

all my life i was able to hurt myself pretty good, but what finally broke my cycle of acting out was when i hurt my wife. hurting her was a real low for me, and i swore i would never do that again. having that compassion and concern for another can be a real asset, a motivator if you channel it right.

i wish you all luck and happiness. you are far from alone.
 
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