New here and feeling so alone

New here and feeling so alone
T

thetraveller

Registrant
My grandfather was a paedo who abused my mum and her 2 sisters when they were young. Thankfully he had a slow and painful death due to cancer before I was ever born. My mum obviously was pretty messed up by this and has screwed me up by abusing me. She used to tell me that "i look just like him" meaning my grandfather or that "you've got his hands". I think she used me to try and get back at him or take out some anger or something through me, but what the fuck!! How could you inflict abuse on someone, especially your own child, when you know first hand the effects it has. My Dad was an emotionless drunk when I was young and now he's just emotionless. I cant ever remember him saying "I love you". Who could I turn to? My dads family did not want to know me, I only remember them from seeing a photo. My mum beat up my grandmother and one auntie moved to Australia so I have had little or no contact with family.
The only shining light is my younger sister. I could never let her know what happened as she would be devestated and I couldn't see her hurt.

I am 30 years old now but cannot get rid of this feeling of being alone. Its like a big dark whole inside me and all I want is to fill it up with someone to love but I'm so scared of intamacy. If I feel myself getting close to someone, or someone trying to get close to me, I just close up and seem to shut off all emotion. I can't stop or control it. I don't want to spend my life alone, I want to be able to have a girlfriend.
Does anyone else feel like this?
any advice in opening up?
 
Traveller,

One way this place helped me right away was dispelling that feeling that I was all alone. I fell into tears...I just couldn't believe it was really true that others here had been through what I had experienced. If you can join in on what is going on here, I think you will have that same experience.

Closing down emotionally is a coping tool we learned as abused boys, and it's not an easy one to "unlearn". The same goes for fear of intimacy. That comes from our experience that sex is what adults do to hurt children.

Again, if you can open up here that's a good start. Just start with topics that you feel safe with and let things develop.

What you really need, however, is professional help. You will see so many of us here referring to our therapists. That's because the issues of child abuse are so complicated and difficult that therapy really is a good idea. I would consider it if I were you, and I will just say it has made all the difference for me.

Much love,
Larry
 
This is what I think happened to me, the loss of your childhood via sexual abuse leaves us never wanting anything worth losing again so we shy away from things that could potentially hurt us. I built a wall that protected me from getting hurt, I married and the wall remained until my wife could take no more of it. We want life but we are afraid of it hurting us so we bottle up and don't get a chance to experience it to the fullest. The key of course would be to let down the wall and go for it but the fear of pain keeps us from it. Getting hurt or losing something great would be to much to take. The old saying "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" comes to mind. If we get to a place where we are no longer afraid of the loss we can move forward. Good luck and God bless,
 
Traveller.

I feel your pain, my brother.

My mother also was abused as were her sisters.

I ask the question how could she have suffered so much and allowed her child to go through it?

I hated her for a very long time for that. But I had to realize she was a victim too. It doesn't excuse it, but it explains it.

Believe me, my brother, you are not alone. We are the brotherhood who knows what you feel.
 
Travller,

I too know how you feel. I too have been in that place. I want to welcome you here to Male Survivor. This is a place where you can interact with other's who've been where you have and are working together to find the path out to recovery. You're welcome to come along. I'm sure you will be a good addition to our group.

Hang in there, My friend. We're all headed to a better place.

Lots of love,

John
 
Thanks for the support guys.

I know that there will be no quick fix. Sometimes it feels like things will never get better but I know I have to stick with it and let the healing process happen.

Larry I just started seeing a therapist and it was them that put me onto this site. Therapy is ok but I find it hard to open up. I think it also helps to talk and read the experiences of people who have been through the abuse. its nice to know other people have similar feelings etc as it makes me feel more normal i suppose.

Hope to chat to you all some more.
 
Traveller,

Larry I just started seeing a therapist and it was them that put me onto this site. Therapy is ok but I find it hard to open up.
Click to expand...
You and all the rest of us bro!!! ;) It really is difficult to open up, but as you become accustomed to your T and learn to trust, this will be come easier. I now look forward to all my appointments with my T, and there is nothing I would not tell her.

It really is part of the process of relearning how to trust, which is, of course a vital asset in its own right.

Much love,
Larry
 
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