new guy

new guy
D

DanielB

Registrant
Hello, I'm new to this board. I guess I'll throw my story out here and see where this goes.

I stopped drinking 4 months ago (was a heavy drinker from age 13. I am now 30), and developed anxiety/panic attacks. I started seeing a psychologist for help. After a few sessions, she determined that there was some traumatic event in my childhood that caused me to fear my father so much. I had no idea what it was, only that it must have happened around the ages of birth-4 (this was the only time I lived w/ him). He was an alcoholic and a drug addict, so I started reading a book on "trauma and addiction." While reading a story about a sexual abuse survivor, I realized that I behaved much in the same way he did. I have no concious memory of being sexualy abused, but memories came to me (memories that I have always had) of bizare things that I did at 3 years old that made me believe that I must have been. I kept that last part vague only because I don't know how detailed I should be on this particular board. I spoke to my older sister to see if she remembered anyhing from that time and she said she was also sexualy abused. She had never told anyone, but she has always known. After talking to my therapist she said she is sure I was abused.

I just found this out w/in the past 2 weeks. I guess what I want to know is, is it possible for me to remember more specificaly what happened, and who did it. Most would think it was my father, but I don't know. I am considering calling him and asking. My sister has some concious memory but it's to hazy for her to figure out who it was. Also, I think I should feel upset or angry but I realy don't feel that way at all. Not that I feel happy either, I'm just here. The only thing thats changed is I find my self "spacing out" a lot more than I used to. My therapist recomended a support group but because I don't know most of my story, I'm hesitant to go.

Daniel
 
Daniel,
Although I remember enough to know that it is my older brother who abused me, I still have a lot of gaps and wonder if there is more that I don't remember. Your heavy drinking is an emotional numbing skill that helped you cope, my coping mechinism is eating. I'm currently 5'11 and approx 280-300 pounds.

You are in the right place, combine this with your current therapy. Its a slow process but its worth it.

Jason
 
Daniel, dont go to a support group if you feel it is wrong, and do not contact your father who will obviously tell you nothing happened and further confuse you.

Memories come back in fragments, so write them down, but never try and force it out.

Welcome,

ste
 
Daniel, I am one of the old guys here, but our stories sound similar. I was abused by my father at an early age.....I'm almost sure. But, I've been working on this now for about six years and still have not seen his face in any of my memories, so I can't say for sure, even though, like you, I'm almost positive. Also, like you, I have not been able to feel upset with him about it. I live with all the results of the abuse, but have not been able to work up any anger with hm about it. If I dig down just below the surface, I find a great deal of anger, so I figure that's what it's all about, but in my conscious thought, I have none towards him. As to whether you should call and ask him....I have always been sort of grateful that my dad is dead, because, I know he would deny that anything happened, and then what would I do? That would almost make it worse. I would still have to make the decision to believe or not to believe the memories that I have. I have always wondered what I would do if he were still alive. I, too, like you, am almost a textbook case of the results of sexual abuse. My memories came slowly, one at a time, after working for awhile with a therapist on an entirely different problem. Until then, I had no idea. My suggestion is that, as much as you want to know everything right now, don't rush things. Your memories will come to you over a period of time. Support groups can be great. I belong to one and appreciate it very much, but would urge you to be cautious about joining one so early in your process of understanding your abuse. Sometimes they can be quite intense. Talk to a member of or the leader of the group to find out if you think it would be helpful before you attend a meeting.

You have come to the right place. This site has literally been a life-saving place for me. Say anything you feel a need so say. It will be considered thoughtfully, and someone almost always will talk with you about it. We all remember our first post here, how lonely we felt before we made it, and what it meant that someone understood and cared.

Bobby
 
daniel congrats on the no drinking i drank my whole life away...now 54 years old where did time go..been sober 4 years now...now i have to learn things i never learned years ago...i get about 4 real vivid memories..thats is it ..makes me wonder what else that i havent remembered welcome steve
 
thanks for the replies. It's good to know people post on here pretty regularly. I thought maybe it'd take a while for a response. I'll be hangin around for a bit. Just posting this here helped a lot. Seems like a great group of people. Thanks again

Daniel
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top