New Guy

New Guy
Dave,

I am no longer dominated by the old thoughts, they faded away gradually to the point that I can't even force my old fantasies to work anymore, they actually kill off any desire to masturbate - and they certainly don't work when making love with my wife. And I relied on this stuff for many years.
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I find this topic fascinating and something that I've put a lot of thought in to. It seems that whatever we were conditioned to at our young ages ends up being what we fantasize about. I have fantasized endlessly about my sister even though I know that it is unhealthly. I can still do it today :( , though I've done a pretty good job at refraining from it. But I welcome the day when my sister becomes a real bonner killer for me. Will that day ever come? Boy, I don't know.
Mike
 
Hey Mike , I'm cracking up right now : ) , a Bonner Killer ,that's original .

I cant stand any thought of my sister and have never had fantasies along those lines .

This thing has parallized my initiative , energy and made me very isolationist . I trust noone and am very self destructive.

More that anything I just want to be normal , my logic says one thing but my mind does another.

But I now have hope for the first time ever !!!!!!!

Jack
 
Mike
As much as I can remember about the start of my fantasies, it's been a looonnnng time since I started using them, they do have their roots in the actual sex acts I did as a child - as we would expect.

As a child I did everything two males can do, well nearly everything anyway. And I was used by two or older boys at a time frequently.

So my experience could be said to be far reaching, but my fantasies were 90% about me performing oral sex. Anal sex, masturbating, kissing and all the other details rarely enterd the fantasy, even though they were as common to me as a kid.

I think the reason oral sex became my fixation was the fact that my abusers gave me special praise for this.
I was told that I was good at it, the best, they said.

And I can't remember any other praise from those years. The teachers ruled by criticism and fear, I was an average student who's term reports got steadily worse - so my holidays were marred by criticism from my parents. I had no positive influences at all, no praise other than for giving great blow jobs.

I believed that until I was nearly 50, it was my fantasy, and then my reality when I acted out.

No prizes for guessing why ? :(

Dave
 
Jack,
I have struggled so much with the concept of "normal." That's all I wanted to be. Just "normal." I think everyone probably has but that word is just so hard to live up to. And at the same time it's bloody hard to accept yourself for who you are.

Dave,
If I could've acted out my fantasies with my sister I would have. There's no doubt in my mind. As I look back on it from today I feel fortunate I was not able to act out on those thoughts. I think the damage could have been much greater. But at the time I was sure frustrated that that avenue was not available to me. I didn't want anyone else except her.

Mike
 
Thanks guys you're encouraging me to start back into my sporadic journaling again. Actually much of the inspiration for my journaling starts right here. Don't worry I keep it all under electronic lock & key!

Victor
 
Hey Jack,

Welcome, this is a great place for healing. My abuse was different than yours, but I've heard a lot of other guys talk about abuse similar to yours.

I have journaled too, usually I become disgusted with what I have written and delete it or throw it away, but for some reason it really helps. Its amazing to realize how much progress I've made since starting on this journey when I think about my early journaling.

Talk to you later,

Peace
MO Healing
 
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