New Guy

[JK]

Hello my name is Jack I just joined the board today . I'm 38 yrs. old am divorced with a daughter .

About a week ago after 27 years of holding it in I finally told my youngest sister (43) that I had been sexually molested by an older sister (now 46).

She molested me for about a year and a half , I was 11-13 yrs. old .In addition she physically and emotionally abused me my entire childhood until I was 17 when I left home and joined the Army.

My Father ( an alcoholic ) and my mother divorced when I was still a baby, They both seriously neglected me in almost every way possible , My mother was verbally abusive , unloving and cold towards me.

I had no one to go to I was so terrified of my abusive sister .

She pretty much ruined / stole my life up to now.

I'm having so many memories flooding back in the last few days , I'm about cried out , just a dull , empty numbness and of course just under that a desperate , all encompassing rage at her for what she took from me.

All my sisters have their own homes and money , I rent and live paycheck to paycheck barely making ends meet and feeding myself. The sister who abused me is a millionare , just picked up her 2003 mercedes . I dont even own a car right now.

They all have good relationships with their children , I adore my daughter but find it impossible to be a parent . ( dont know why though)

I'm suffering from depression and anxiety attacks.

I want to die and hope that God will just give me another chance at childhood and a fresh start at life.

Start therapy on Friday. I'm praying

 

[Marc]

Hi Jack,

Welcome! There seems to be a LOT of us late 30's guys on the site so I think that you'll find things in common with us more than just the abuse. The older guys have their wisdom and the younger ones contribute a lot of fresh ideas.

You're in good hands. Feel free to contribute as you are comfortable and to take what will help you best. You've just taken a big step forward and it can be scary not knowing for sure where you are headed but we're here to walk with you so you won't be alone.

 

[outis]

Jack,

You're doing a lot of "Good Things" by breaking the silence, searching out this place, getting into therapy.

There are a lot of folks here working on recovery from sexual abuse, and we're all over the map, in terms of geography, stage of recovery, age, etc. Take a look around and see how different we all are, but how much we've all endured the same pain and shame as a result of being abused.

The guys here will understand how you feel, because our details are different, but our human needs are the same.

You're on the right road now.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[Sleepy]

Hi Jack,
Welcome to MS. I want to let you know that when I was 5 and 6 years old my sister sexually abused me. She was about 12 and 13 years old at the time. I want to let you know that you are not alone. There are some other guys here who have experienced the exact same thing. I also find it interesting that your sister is in a comfortable point in her life while you (and me) struggle with ours. My sister, while in a crummy marriage, is quite well off financially. It is very frustrating to see her being able to apparently cope so well with life while I struggle. Take care and good luck with therapy.
Mike

 

[Lloydy]

Jack
I'm glad you choose to come here, although the reason we're all here isn't so good I know.

It's a good place, full of support and ideas. We share a lot here and help each other through the day.

If you have any questions or problems using the site just ask, The Moderators are here to help and keep the site safe.

The first step is sharing your secret with someone, and you've done that. It's usually the hardest part as well, but there's still some hard work left to do and I would recommend finding a therapist that deals solely with SA Survivors. The list on our home page might help, and I'm sure the other New Yorkers here will help as well.

Be strong Jack.

Dave

 

[Wuamei]

Hello my name is Jack I just joined the board today . I'm 38 yrs. old am divorced with a daughter.

Jack as you can tell you are not alone here & you are among friends, a brotherhood of people who have been going thru similar things as yourself.

How old is your daughter, Jack? Does she know about the abuse? Mine do but they are both adults
as they pretty much were when I told them.

About a week ago after 27 years of holding it in I finally told my youngest sister (43) that I had been sexually molested by an older sister (now 46).

Does your sister believe you? Was she supportive?

Jack, I suppressed & dissociated from the abuse I went thru from the ages of about 1-11 until about 2 years ago, about 35 years after the last abuse incident; I'm 46 now.

I told my wife & daughters right after I started remembering myself, thru therapy. My daughters were in their first year of college & senior year of high school. They have all been very understanding & supportive. One has been doing volunteer work with a rape crisis hotline and the other is studying in medical planning to work with
trauma victims & survivors.

She molested me for about a year and a half , I was 11-13 yrs. old .In addition she physically and emotionally abused me my entire childhood until I was 17 when I left home and joined the Army.

My Father ( an alcoholic ) and my mother divorced when I was still a baby, They both seriously neglected me in almost every way possible , My mother was verbally abusive , unloving and cold towards me.

Jack, I had only a younger brother who was mentally & physically "retarded" becuz of the abuse. My mother made me his surrogate father & her surrogate husband, incesting me sexually & emotionally and also physically abusing me from about 1-10. She helped & allowed others to abuse me as well.

My father also abused me till my mother divorced him when I was 4 then I never saw him again. For a year I had an alcoholic stepfather who beat me with a belt.

[QBI had no one to go to I was so terrified of my abusive sister .

She pretty much ruined / stole my life up to now.[/QB]

Jack so many of us know these feelings & experiences of isolation, terror, loss & despair.

But you can take your life back. You are doing so now just by being here. You are not alone.

I'm having so many memories flooding back in the last few days , I'm about cried out , just a dull , empty numbness and of course just under that a desperate , all encompassing rage at her for what she took from me.

Jack, that's what happened to me about 2 years ago
Thru therapy my abuse memories started to return & became a flashback flood that lasted several months then became a total physical & emotional collapse that hospitalized me with skyrocketing blood pressure twice within a week and landed me on medical leave from my job.

Actually the flashbacks had almost stopped for a while but recently I've begun to have more vivid ones again involving the sexual & physical abuse by my father as an infant. I already knew about most of it, but not in such detail. Arrghhhh!

Yeah I got the rage my friend! Don't let anyone tell you not to have it either! It's all in what you do with it. That, I'm still working on with my therapist.

All my sisters have their own homes and money , I rent and live paycheck to paycheck barely making ends meet and feeding myself. The sister who abused me is a millionare , just picked up her 2003 mercedes . I dont even own a car right now.

They all have good relationships with their children , I adore my daughter but find it impossible to be a parent . ( dont know why though)

Well my mother is living on minimal social security, my father I don't know about. (My brother died in adolescence). But she's a miserable narcisstic bitch who can't relate to anybody or anything but herself.

My suspicion is that your abusive sister, with all her wealth, is really not that different. I doubt her relations with her children are really that good, probably based on what she gives them.

Maybe your other sister can help you cope? Do you have any idea if she was abused or not?

You had no good model for being a parent, like most of us. Yet in adoring your daughter, in not abusing her, you are already being a good parent.

Jack I've often feared I was being a miserable failure as a parent. It has been quite to the contrary. The cycle of abuse has been broken and they are healthy, fulfilled young ladies who love their father & know he loves them.

This is in spite of my abuse trauma, Complex PTSD,
severe depression, chronic pain, etc. It's about the love of father & daughter Jack.

I'm suffering from depression and anxiety attacks.

I want to die and hope that God will just give me another chance at childhood and a fresh start at life.

Jack you don't have to die to get it, but I believe God will most certainly give you another
chance, a lifetime of chances, at having the childhood you never had and a new start in life.

Start therapy on Friday. I'm praying

You are already starting a new life, taking back your life. You are already doing the right things:
breaking the silence by telling your sister, coming here for support with survivor brothers, starting therapy, and praying.

My friend you are well on the way. Take it easy on yourself, take your time and take care.

Victor

 

[JK]

WOW !

I almost cannot express my gratitude for such a warm welcome and words of encouragement.

Marc ,thanks its interesting that there are so many survivors our age coming to the realization around the same age. I wonder if its maybe because its about as long as anyone can hold the despair and darkness of their secret.

Dave , thank you I have found a therapist in Manhattan , a woman no less . But I have been working on my anger and distrust of women and think I should be OK.

Mike , thanks for sharing that with me , we have something in common. My sister was 18-19 and much bigger than me .

Joe , it does make me feel better knowing that we are truley a brotherhood regardless of where we live , thanks so much.

Victor , all I can say to you my friend is thank you so very much . I thought I was'nt going to cry today until I read your post .

You have really moved me especially reading what you had to live through , I immediately thought that while you had such a horrible , dark childhood your heart is so full of love and compassion . Your daughters are very lucky to have you as a dad !!

As far as my younger sister she did immediately believe me and has been very supportive and loving. She was not molested but had to endure beatings when she came to my rescue from my abuser.

My daughter is still too young , and I'm thinking that I will probably never tell her , my logic being that that will truley sever the abuse. I will however never allow my daughter near her.

As far as anger goes , this is a major problem for me , I seeth with anger and , daydream about exacting vengance . Its funny because I am a big guy and can easily break her neck . But I have controlled it and avoided confrontations when ever possible.

Again thank you so much guys for making me feel welcome. I do feel at home here.


Jack

 

[Cement]

I was abused by my sister (who is 6 years older than I) between the ages of 8 and 11, maybe longer.

You have come to the right place, Jack.

I wish we didn't, but we share a bond.

If you have any qquestions feel free to ask them, you will find a wonderful outpouring of hope and help.

Peace,
James

 

[Wuamei]

WOW !

I almost cannot express my gratitude for such a warm welcome and words of encouragement.

Jack, that's the kind of terrific guys we have here! Even thru the pain. We share the pain & share support for one another thru it all.

Thank you friend for your gracious words to me. I have no doubt your daughter is very blessed to have you as a father as well.

As far as my younger sister she did immediately believe me and has been very supportive and loving. She was not molested but had to endure beatings when she came to my rescue from my abuser.

Jack I am so glad your younger sister believes you
& is being supportive & giving you the love you need & deserve. She sounds like a remarkable woman indeed. I relate to her. I took a lot of beatings & other abuse in order to protect my younger brother. I don't think he suffered much if any abuse after infancy. This wolf could take a lot of abuse, but I became a snarling dangerous beast when anybody messed with my brother.

My daughter is still too young , and I'm thinking that I will probably never tell her , my logic being that that will truley sever the abuse. I will however never allow my daughter near her.

Jack we each follow our own path for our own good reasons as far as whether or not to tell others especially our children. Had mine been younger when I remembered I doubt I would have told them then & might never have done so. I'm glad you will
not of course let your daughter near your perp sister and hope she will understand that (your daughter, not your sister!).

As far as anger goes , this is a major problem for me , I seeth with anger and , daydream about exacting vengance . Its funny because I am a big guy and can easily break her neck . But I have controlled it and avoided confrontations when ever possible.

Fantasizing about it and venting anger over it is one thing doing it is another. That you have controlled yourself is remarkable.

Contact with my mother has been completely severed
since I started remembering my abuse, and it was never good before that. She is in utter denial & can do no wrong. Fine she can stay there for all I care. But I won't be there with her. Staying away from her is the best thing for me to do.

Again thank you so much guys for making me feel welcome. I do feel at home here.

Jack

Jack, welcome home!

Victor

PS--I was born in Manhattan near Ground Zero, was there till I was four. Was 9-11 a big trigger for you? It was for me; it really set off my flashback flood. I went back for the first time this past Christmas vacation; it was hard but also
very healing.

If you want see this thread:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001416#000000

and also this thread:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001614#000000

and my post in this thread:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001412#000008

 

[JK]

Thanks Victor , you had me laughing there , reading of your trip to the City , alot of what you said is sooo true , but I think overall we're not that bad.

As far as ground zero goes and 9/11 I unfortunetly was there and witnessed it close up ( picking up bodies etc...)

My thing during this time was overwelming rage to the point where I was shaking . It was very difficult , luckily I had a job to do and it helped.

I'm very new to this and have'nt really understood when or why somethigs triggers my past ,I thing though that sometimes it has to do with children.

Thanks , Jack

 

[Wuamei]

Thanks Victor , you had me laughing there , reading of your trip to the City , alot of what you said is sooo true , but I think overall we're not that bad.

No ya'll couldn't be that bad; after all I was born there!

As far as ground zero goes and 9/11 I unfortunetly was there and witnessed it close up ( picking up bodies etc...)

My thing during this time was overwelming rage to the point where I was shaking . It was very difficult , luckily I had a job to do and it helped.

Jack I can't even imagine how horrible that must have been...

The job you & others like you did is nothing short
of the best of humanity in action.

I'm very new to this and have'nt really understood when or why somethigs triggers my past ,I thing though that sometimes it has to do with children.

Well fellow Manhattanite when you figure it out let me know ok?

It was my auto accident last week that led to my latest flashbacks & new details about my father shaking me as an infant, but also while he was doing so sexually abusing me.

What I've been able to figure out has come by trial & error, with lots of therapy & support.

Jack I'm not surprised if it has something to do with children, since you were abused as a child. I don't think this is uncommon. As you work thru therapy & recovery you will probably find it coming together more & more.

Thanks , Jack

Thank you brother!

Victor

 

[JamesMichael]

Welcome Jack,

Keep talking to us. We can hear everything you've desribed. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. More and more of us are crawling into the light from under our damp depressive rocks. I'm sorry we have abuse in common, but healing, recovering men are the most wonderful men I've ever met.

Congratulations for your appointment with a therapist. Take most excellent wonderful care of yourself as the memories and feelings come forward.

Thank you for boldly sharing your story with us. Some of us ran into the woods to tell get away from the pain. We're trees that will listen. We can provide shelter, shade, and quiet listening.

With high regard and respect for your courage,

JamesMichael

 

[josephd]

Welcome Jack,

I'm very new here myself, but have already received much benefit from being around a group of understanding and compassionate men who can relate to me. Everyone here seems to have that compassion in common... because I think we all know what it feels like to feel that emptiness. To not understand why things have happened the way they have, and how we can undo this cycle that we've been pulled into.

Keep coming, that's what I've been told and it's working for me. Imagine, what it would be like to not have those feelings controlling you... and learning to be free from them! That's my motivation, to be free. Hope to see you around often.

jd

 

[Lloydy]

Imagine, what it would be like to not have those feelings controlling you... and learning to be free from them!

"Imagine" - it can be reality

Dave

 

[ernie]

Hi Jack and welcome, you are indeed among friends. Friends that have gone the path several times and back again. The highs and lows are awful but they do pass. I am struggling now myself in saving a 34 year marriage and maintaining my own self worth as well. It is not an easy thing to deal with this abuse issue but, come here often, a sentence or a quote is sometimes all you need to read to get your strength back and move forward to the next thing. Be proud of what you have, love that precious little girl with all your heart. Stay as strong as you can and seek the help you need.
Bob

 

[JK]

Thanks James , Joseph and Bob for such kind words and encouragement . You have all made me feel very welcome here .

Bob I'm sorry to hear about the marriage problems I hope everything comes out well . I have a suggestion , try this website I've been to in the past its called marriagebuilders.com and Divorcebusting.com that have really helped me with my current relationship.

I have'nt had much luck in that department in the past , but I'm really hopeful with my current girlfriend who I love very much and has been a pillar of strength , love and support for me since I told her .

Dave , do you really think that it does go away ?

I am hopeful to leave all the negativity behind me and live a more productive life.

My sister suggested I start keeping a Journal , kinda as a theraputic thing . Has anyone done that and has it helped ?

Thanks again so very much ,

Jack

 

[outis]

Jack,

I started writing in a tablet last summer when my marriage really got in trouble. Later my therapist suggested that I write about my feelings each night, so I bought a separate tablet and started writing in there, too. Finally, I started writing a file on my computer, because I'm so accustomed to having Backspace and Delete keys to cover my tracks!

So, I'm writing in 3 places now, not every day in each, but I'm still using all three. I think it does help me. Stuff I wouldn't say to anyone I know I can write and it feels like I've let it out of me, or something like that.

Try it, and if it doesn't do anything for you, you're out a couple bucks for paper and ink.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[JK]

Thanks Joe you convinced me , I'm going to start tonight and put my feelings and realizations down daily .

You guys are the best

Jack

 

[Sleepy]

Jack,
I started a journal about six months ago. I found it very helpful actually. I think for me it is really a supplement to my therapy. I noticed that it allows me to clearly organize my thoughts and sort through all the junk that tends to run through my head. And it allows me to air out those thoughts. So when I go to my therapist I feel like I have a clearer understanding of what I want to talk about. Okay, that's my two cents.
Good Luck,
Mike

 

[Lloydy]

Jack
A journal, or any writing is a great way to sort it out. When we write we see the words in front of us and can concentrate on what we mean far better.
I do all mine on the computer, I'm close to 100,000 words now - I have no idea what to do with it all !
But I go back and read stuff I did about 5 years ago and it sharpens my mind and brings everything into focus again.

The temptation when using a computer is to edit what you write when you do go back to it, which can be a good idea. BUT - ALWAYS save every version you do onto a disc, that way you get a comparison. Some things I've written I've got about 5 versions of.
The story, the emotions and the detail I never alter, but I add to them, go into greater depth and explore my ideas more. That's when the comparisons between the first version and the later ones get interesting.

It's a strange feeling expressing emotions on a screen, I have to do mine privately - although my wife has read most of my stuff now. But it's there in front of you, in your face and you can't ignore it.

Whatever method you choose though I think it's one of the most powerful tools we have.
I also took mine to my Therapist who took them away to read, and the next week he'd have something to discuss - or rather something for me to work at !

Dave , do you really think that it does go away ?

I am hopeful to leave all the negativity behind me and live a more productive life.

It can't go away, we can't force ourselves to forget things, hell - haven't we tried that already ?
I think what we learn to do is put our abuse in it's place.
I disclosed to my wife when I was 45 or so, and up to that point my life was dominated by memories of the abuse, sexual fantasy and eventually sexual acting out. Every possible waking moment was dedicated to thinking about this stuff.

I'm nearly 50 now, and therapy ( 1 to 1 & group )coming here and my own efforts - not forgetting my wife and a few close friends, have made my life completely different.

I am no longer dominated by the old thoughts, they faded away gradually to the point that I can't even force my old fantasies to work anymore, they actually kill off any desire to masturbate - and they certainly don't work when making love with my wife. And I relied on this stuff for many years.

I can remember what happened to me as a kid as clearly as ever, but the focus has altered. I actually have it in focus now and I see it for what it was. Four years of someone taking advantage of me and 31 years of confusion.

The confusion was my "negativity" and releasing myself from that has made room for me to become "productive"

It won't go away, but it can be put in it's place.

Dave