New guy - your feedback is much appreciated
Hi guys,
I found this website a couple of days ago. I'm 26 years old and enrolled in a program to become a therapist. I'm doing my internship with mentally ill patients and found out that most of them have been sexually/physically abused in the past. I thought I "moved on" from what had happened to me, but I have been triggered by working with some of the patients. Whenever I see "history of sexual abuse" on their medical charts, it just changes the way I see them, especially when they are men. I sometimes feel like I become almost too empathetic and lose objective perspectives as a therapist.
There were two incidents - when I was 17 and 18. By that age, I was certain that I was gay. I'm from a small rural town, there was no one I could talk to, or share my feelings with. I felt so lonely and isolated. When I was 17, I decided to go to a gay district in a much bigger town. I was desperately in need of "love" - to feel needed and wanted by someone, anyone. At a bar, someone started flirting with me, and it felt so good. He said he was 34. He told me that I was beautiful. He asked me to come to his place with him and I said ok. We took a cab to his place. We're both really drunk and I remember him shouting at the cab driver on the way to his place (now I think about it, maybe he had some issues with drinking). To make it short, we had anal intercourse. I did everything he asked me to do. He didn't use a condom. It hurt so much. When I took a shower, I realized I was bleeding. I thought it was the price I had to pay for "love". I slept over at his place. The next day, he said he had to go to some place and promised to meet me at a restaurant for lunch. He never showed up.
When I was 18, I attended a prestigious summer music program (I don't want to be too specific here...). The dean of the festival, who I believe was 55, took a special interest in me. He was a very respected Christian man and I felt proud walking next to him. He made me feel special. One day, he asked me to perform at his Church on Sunday. I felt honored. After the performance he bought us lunch, and asked me to go to jacuzzi with him. When we're in jacuzzi, he started touching my legs and asked me if it was ok. I said yes. I didn't know what else to say. Again, he was someone everyone respected. Then he asked me to go to his place to watch a movie. While we're watching a movie, he started touching my shoulder and legs, saying, "is this ok?". I said yes. I was completely frozen. Then he asked me to come to his bedroom with him, and asked me to take off my clothes. I don't want to get into details here, but basically, he penetrated me. It hurt like nothing else. I was really nervous and tense, and I think it made it even more painful. I was bleeding for the next three days.
From the age of 18 and 21, I engaged in many self-destructive behaviors. I used a lot of drugs, had sex with complete strangers (over 100 men during this time), and cut my arms every night. I just couldn't sleep at night unless I cut my arms. It was an intense period of my life. Every time I look at the scars on my arms, I think about this dark period.
I have to say that the two incidents hurt me a lot, but I often wonder - was it an "abuse"? It happened when I was 17 and 18, I was supposed to be responsible for my own actions. There are many people here who were sexually abused when they were at much earlier ages. For the first incident, I almost asked for it. "Intimacy" was something I desperately wanted, plus I was drunk. For the second one, I could have said no. Also the fact that I'm gay - according to some people, there's no such thing as rape between two gay men. I keep telling myself that it was my own fault, and also that I'm making it a bigger deal than it actually is. Then why does it hurt so much? After all these years? Part of the reason why I decided to become a therapist is because I wanted to heal myself. One problem I have is that I associate pain and all kinds of negative emotions with sex. When I meet someone who is truly attractive, I just can't imagine having sex with the person. I would like your feedback if there's something you want to say, or something you can relate to. I'm new to this site and your feedback is much appreciated. Thank you. Ken
I found this website a couple of days ago. I'm 26 years old and enrolled in a program to become a therapist. I'm doing my internship with mentally ill patients and found out that most of them have been sexually/physically abused in the past. I thought I "moved on" from what had happened to me, but I have been triggered by working with some of the patients. Whenever I see "history of sexual abuse" on their medical charts, it just changes the way I see them, especially when they are men. I sometimes feel like I become almost too empathetic and lose objective perspectives as a therapist.
There were two incidents - when I was 17 and 18. By that age, I was certain that I was gay. I'm from a small rural town, there was no one I could talk to, or share my feelings with. I felt so lonely and isolated. When I was 17, I decided to go to a gay district in a much bigger town. I was desperately in need of "love" - to feel needed and wanted by someone, anyone. At a bar, someone started flirting with me, and it felt so good. He said he was 34. He told me that I was beautiful. He asked me to come to his place with him and I said ok. We took a cab to his place. We're both really drunk and I remember him shouting at the cab driver on the way to his place (now I think about it, maybe he had some issues with drinking). To make it short, we had anal intercourse. I did everything he asked me to do. He didn't use a condom. It hurt so much. When I took a shower, I realized I was bleeding. I thought it was the price I had to pay for "love". I slept over at his place. The next day, he said he had to go to some place and promised to meet me at a restaurant for lunch. He never showed up.
When I was 18, I attended a prestigious summer music program (I don't want to be too specific here...). The dean of the festival, who I believe was 55, took a special interest in me. He was a very respected Christian man and I felt proud walking next to him. He made me feel special. One day, he asked me to perform at his Church on Sunday. I felt honored. After the performance he bought us lunch, and asked me to go to jacuzzi with him. When we're in jacuzzi, he started touching my legs and asked me if it was ok. I said yes. I didn't know what else to say. Again, he was someone everyone respected. Then he asked me to go to his place to watch a movie. While we're watching a movie, he started touching my shoulder and legs, saying, "is this ok?". I said yes. I was completely frozen. Then he asked me to come to his bedroom with him, and asked me to take off my clothes. I don't want to get into details here, but basically, he penetrated me. It hurt like nothing else. I was really nervous and tense, and I think it made it even more painful. I was bleeding for the next three days.
From the age of 18 and 21, I engaged in many self-destructive behaviors. I used a lot of drugs, had sex with complete strangers (over 100 men during this time), and cut my arms every night. I just couldn't sleep at night unless I cut my arms. It was an intense period of my life. Every time I look at the scars on my arms, I think about this dark period.
I have to say that the two incidents hurt me a lot, but I often wonder - was it an "abuse"? It happened when I was 17 and 18, I was supposed to be responsible for my own actions. There are many people here who were sexually abused when they were at much earlier ages. For the first incident, I almost asked for it. "Intimacy" was something I desperately wanted, plus I was drunk. For the second one, I could have said no. Also the fact that I'm gay - according to some people, there's no such thing as rape between two gay men. I keep telling myself that it was my own fault, and also that I'm making it a bigger deal than it actually is. Then why does it hurt so much? After all these years? Part of the reason why I decided to become a therapist is because I wanted to heal myself. One problem I have is that I associate pain and all kinds of negative emotions with sex. When I meet someone who is truly attractive, I just can't imagine having sex with the person. I would like your feedback if there's something you want to say, or something you can relate to. I'm new to this site and your feedback is much appreciated. Thank you. Ken
