New Guy Needs Help!

New Guy Needs Help!
S

SpiritUL

New Registrant
This is my first posting; I will try to keep it as brief as possible:

I am in my forties and have had many of the symptoms of sexual abuse for as long as I can remember. As I move down the road of my recovery process, I remain living a somewhat "tortured" existance. I have clues which pretty much assure that I had been abused but every time the memories start to surface, I feel weak, nausious, and I shut them out. I have used drugs, alcohol and self mutilation to keep the memories (and the feelings) away. Each worked for awhile and then began to stop being effective. It feels like my body knows what happened but won't allow my consciences self to admit it. It feels crazy to me.

I don't feel like I am saying this very well, but has anyone dealt with the overwhelming feeling that they know what happened but can't let it surface?

I feel like its right there, ready expose itself and to let me begin to heal. Could something be so bad that I choose to ruin my life rather than remember it?
 
I first wish to welcome you here. As usual, I hate that you must have such a site, but am grateful it is here.

I can relate so well, to what you say, of what is so bad I can't remember, i would rather do these things to myself then remember. My brain, it chose to split off, into 'others'. These 'others' of me, they hold memories that me, as myself, do not remember, of things that happened. And I ask myself the same question, what the hell is so bad that my own brain will not let me remember? and then, if it is so bad, do I want to?

But yes, i want those memories, because they are a part of me. They are a part of my past, a part of who I am in the present, and to deal with them, that will make who I am in the future. They are part of me, and that makes them important, as I am important, yes? Same is true of you.

I hope you find support and advice here. Answers, you will find within yourself. I wish you luck.

leosha
 
As Leosha said, I'm sorry you need a place like this, but glad you found us.

I have struggled with "knowing" something happened but having very few memories that were concrete. As I have gone to therapy, I have uncovered some of the past, but I always feel impatient. Like I want to know NOW. More recently, I had some vivid flashbacks and wanted nothing more than to push them away.

My therapist has tried to convince me that the anticipation of finding certain memories is worse than when you actually find them. I don't know if I believe that.

It is the most frustrating thing... to doubt yourself. Even after I have recovered memories, I continue to doubt if they really happened. And then I'll look at my life and think, how could they NOT have happened considering my symptoms.

I definately know where you are coming from. PM if you need to.

-Sean
 
Welcome to Malesurvivor.
If you have memories that you are holding at bay your abillity to keep them shut out may collapse and you could begin to experience them in a frightening and vivid form called flashbacks. I have been hospitalized when mine got real bad and this isn't something you can just tough out. Please take care of yourself and seek treatment now. this sight offers excellent tips on finding support and therapy that will help. keep coming here, We're in your corner
 
Welcome here!

I am relatively new here myself. I am in my fourty's and just began to remember some things from my childhood. I had always had the feelng that something happened but I never knew what. Well all of the sudden in august of this year I began having these flashes of the abuse by my mother. People have told me they came because I am ready and able to deal with them. To be honest I am not sure about that but in any case they are here.

I have found them overwhelming and in fact became severley depressed and needed hospitalized. But as time went by slowing I began acepting what happened to me. I do not like it but for some reason I can accept that it was not my fautlt. This was very difficult for me as I thought I shold have stoped it but I was a child and there was nothing I could do. Honestly the little boy was traped and could not do anything. So today I am able see that she was the sick one. While I have in no way found a way to forgive her I have found some peace in knowing it was not my fault. I just refuse to allow her to have such bad influences on my life any longer. While what she did is not my fault, now that I know it is my responsibility to not be a victum any longer. I have begun to stand up for myself and see where all the years of repressing the memories have put me. I do not have to be a slave to these feeling any longer. That said I still relapse sometimes but the suprise to me is that at times I do not. Time seems to be part of the answer for me.

Time does seem to heal and I have learned to let it. I hope you can too. Keep writing here and you will feel the support of everyone who has been there like I do.

Gary
 
Hey SpiritUL,

Well, if you're here long enough, you may find yourself repeating what you said before. I find that I'm about to do that and I apologize to those who read here, if they have heard this from me, before.

I don't know what is worse or more wearying on us than to know and remember every event in the most minor detail or to not remember a thing and suddenly be jolted into realization of something horrible that had happened. Everyone has my sympathy for no matter how you remember it.

I fall into the camp of those who remember it ALL, in living color, in all of its mind bending forms. I thought that nothing could be worse than to have it that close to the surface and to not be able to shake it.

When I started therapy, I scared myself further by thinking that I HAVEN'T remember it all, and any day I would remember THE BIG ONE and die from the fear and anxiety that it would produce.

To get through to this point, I had to adopt the idea that anything was possible, that no matter how terrible the hidden memory, I knew all of the players and KNEW that they were CAPABLE of anything, ANYTHING.

So, here I sit, or there, in therapy, armed with the idea that nothing is going to shake me from this life of discovery, and finally, some health.

I hope that you are able to tame your beast memories and obtain a sense of health that is your due, too.

Welcome, make yourself at home, and get ready to meet some of the finest men you'll ever meet, including Gary, Mr. Edd, Sean and Leosha.

Peace, courage and stength as you work your way through the jungle history of child sex abuse.

May you find Male Survivor the oasis most of us consider it to be.

David
 
Brother,

I endorse everything that had been said already. There's some powerful wisdom in here. As Brother Leo said, I'm sorry that you need us, but I'm glad you found us.

I know from what you speak. I lived over 25 years knowing that "something" was done to me by someone I should've been able to trust, but I blocked it out. Primarily because this sick m**********r manipulated me into loving him and made me give away my dignity for the affection that should've been mine without having to "earn" it. Also, what he did to me during the course of my abuse (documented a couple of months ago in Survivor Stories) was so horrible I repressed it in order to survive.

The memories will come back when you're ready to face them, my brother, but you need to be prepared for your emotions and reactions. When my came back, it was as if the abuse, rape, everything happened THEN and all at once besides. It hurts and it's horrible, but it may be necessary to reclaim what was lost here.

The moderators on this site can point you towards articles that can help you with the subject (and guys, please do!). You are in the right place. You have been courageous in admitting what you have. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. I love you, my brother, no strings.

Peace,

Scot
 
Thank you all for your thoughts. I have been working on this issue for 12 years. I have felt things surfacing in the past. But never like this. I feel like I am going to throw up, I feel anxiety in my legs, arms and chest. I sense a whining scream in the recesses of my mind. I feel anger, no, rage, but can't put a finger on its cause. I am well educated, have attended therapy for 12 years, read as much as I could find on the subject, but I can't seem to find hope. I went from an executive to a handyman. From a big house and a family to living with my parents. I can't seem to go forward, and I can't go back. I would do anything to resolve this torture. What could be so bad? Is there anything I can do? I need hope.
 
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